Sugar Shakes

I was watching Oprah a week or so ago when they had a show on based around that movie “Food Inc“.  Where they talked about so much of the “food” eaten in nearly all households shouldn’t even really be called food – more like, “food-like substances”.  I think that was the term he used.

He’s so right.  Of course this isn’t a new concept, but lately I’ve been “getting it” more than before.  Being back on the program, pretty much all the foods I eat have an expiration date, a very quick one.  And that’s what they say, eat food that rots. LOL.  We stay away from boxed and canned foods, for instance.  That being said – I’m not perfect of course, and I eat other things.  Yesterday I noshed on something a bit before looking at it and was thinking “What IS this… it will do NOTHING for me, just go through.”  It’s only purpose is taste, really.  My body will deal with my decision to put it in my mouth and churn it through, like the faithful machine that it is.

Yesterday, I ate off track.  I didn’t want to because the night before I had my “indulgent meal”.  So, instead of an entire splurge day, I wanted to keep it to just one meal per week.  Then when I cohosted that party, there were finger foods flying left and right which caused my new resolve to fly straight out the window.  My body was really irritated with me.  It bubbled and churned all night and I looked SO bloated before I went to bed, too.  Weird!

I’m looking forward to eating well again today.  That being said, I’m frustrated that my family has planned this BBQ today (despite SNOW outside) – because my bro and sis-in-law are coming into town to pick up their kids who have been at my moms for the weekend.  I so wish my family was the type who’d spend time with a hike instead… but I know this is a common thing – and how could I ever get them to think differently about it?  Most people celebrate togetherness with food – but it seems to be the only way my family does.  For my birthday, I told everyone I wanted to go bowling instead.  We all had so much fun!  But haven’t done an active thing since (unless it’s after the load of food, LOL)

Sigh, oh well.  I’m going to have to learn to navigate these days if I’m going to have permanent success.  So, even though my body is back on the sugar cravings, I’m going to bring my food to the get together today and try try try to survive it well.

If you want to enter, too, be quick about it – she just twittered that she’s gonna shower and then pick a name!!

What am I talking about?  I’m in a race against time to enter TJ’s giveway!!!

I hope I’m not too late, we shall see!  If I am, I’m happy to have found her blog, regardless, looks like there is a ton of good know-how there, not to mention she’s had such admirable, inspiring success!  SO go check her out, too   Unless you already knew about her, of course.  I seem to be one of the last in the know!

Alrighhhht – I also figured in the light of this contest I should learn more about Twitter- Im the last person THERE, too!

Wasn’t my salad cute.

So, weird, yeah, scary salad.  I was pacing around the kitchen wondering what to eat.  I knew I needed something heathy but I didn’t see anything that looked remotely tolerable (yes, I am just that dramatic in my mind).  Not to mention my house has temptation around all corners (yes, I hear you, my lovely readers, telling me to purge my house of these evil sirens that call me to their rocky shores!)  However, they are still there, for now.

I reminded myself how much work I’ve done so far, and how hard it was just to pull through yesterday.  That deserved me to be strong once more and serve myself.. remind myself how great I’d feel in the long run – I need to be happy with that more than the immediate gratification that I seek.

As I cut up my veggies and chopped my baked chicken, plopped down some greek yogurt and a bit of salsa… I felt a little bit of a thrill.  I was naughty.  Me and my naughty salad.  We were going against the grain.  We were REBELS against my old self, we were doing something different… we were moving forward despite all other things…

And my naughty salad scared me.  I felt surprised by my own resolve.  In the past I’ve often gotten through with a lot of help from others – hubman making dinners for me, not having many other options… but this time I have many options and yet I still haven’t reached for them.  It was scary to feel like, now that I’m working hard – if when I fall, will I fall further and harder… will it hurt me even more?  Will it be harder to get back up because of the history of my negative self talk and low expectations of myself when it comes to this issue?

It’s scary.  Sounds odd, Iknow, but if its true for me – it must be true for some of you others out there.  I feel almost like – you’ve gone this far, and you’ve struggled and held on – you can’t be a pu**y now!!  Dont tap out!

The salad scared me because meal after meal, I’m surprising myself with these exceptional choices and it feels so, so strange.  Exciting, but strange and I’m right now so scared of the fall – but trying to trust the process – be scared – but keep going anyway.

Don’tcha just love that first week weigh-in business?  How you drop so much, so quickly?  I know it’s not gonna stay that way, but it is satisfying since that first week is SO tough to hold on and not fall back into bad habits for “just one more day” I haven’t done update photos in ages, but that’s obviously because I gained a whole bunch back.  After I get down lower than 277 (my last photo update), I’ll post again.

So, I am anxious to get out of the 280’s, so I’m looking forward to giving this week my all!

I’m so happy to be posting this entry and saying – I’m doing great!!  I’m doing great and feeling great.  It’s not easy and even just an hour ago I was practically shaking – trying to keep myself from driving to Safeway for a sugar fix.  However, I ended up here at home because I CAN do this, control myself, “I’m the boss” and I found a healthy alternative.  I’ve been visiting Slimgenics daily, pretty much, to weigh in and just stay focused.  Although I’m not so crazy about weighing in, just walking into the center each day is keeping my mind on the goal.  No more of that eating a bunch of tortilla chips and realizing half bag down, “Oohh man what am I doing?!  Arent I trying to like… lose weight or something?”

Anyway, just a few days into things, but I’m happy.  Of course my hardest time of day is still to come.  But I’m looking forward to my weigh-in tomorrow AND getting another feel-great/do-great week under my belt.  It’s scary, though, because I’ve had this great day, great feeling happen countless times, and it’s scary to get excited about it because I feel like I’ll just fall even harder “when” I go back to old ways.  I know, it’s wrong to say “when” but that’s what I’m up against, that talk in my head.  But despite it, I’m fighting it and have been for a few days now, not perfect, but trying, effort, better choices.

Soooo, also I noticed a lot of you guys have planned gifts for yourself when you reach weight-goals or other goals, so I’ve been pondering some of those. I think I’ll put them into a sidebar or something.  So I can see it, work for it, earn it!  I’m going to attempt to put it in the sidebar, we’ll see if I’m successful at that – hahaa

So, its only day two back on the program.  I’m doing okay, but right now isn’t the time I worry about, it’s late afternoon – but I’ll handle it when I get there – I have some plans waiting to be executed if I get the crazy hunger coming on.

Right now I’m eating a plate full of veggies.  Not anywhere near the top 50 of my favorite things, but hopefully with more time my tastes will change so it doesnt’ seem like such torture.  Okay, torture is a strong word – but maybe I won’t eat it with such a sour expression.  I don’t usually take a pic like a lot of you savvy peeps out there, but because it’s so much prettier than what I usually put in my body, yeah, I’m happy about it.  I also had a hard boiled egg that didn’t make the photo op – was busy on the stove…

Alright – so, the center wants me to come in EVERY day for two weeks – since the first two weeks are the hardest.  I went in today, for the 3rd time. I do not like weighing in everyday, that’s for sure.  However, I’m going to report my weight here once a week – every Wednesday since that was when I weighed in this week.

So, my first weigh-in:  293.

Sigh, terrible, shocking, I know.  That came on quick – but I’ve already lost a little and can’t wait to continue to see it go down.

So, I logged on to wordpress today to find out one of my weight loss counselors has found my blog!  Odd and a bit unnerving.  I feel like I can’t be as open with my thoughts as my blog, even though public, only a couple friends know about it.  I don’t want other people who don’t undersatnd me to bring up those deep struggles and issues into everyday conversation if you know what I mean.  Only people who already know about them or can relate.   But I guess having a public blog, it happens and I’m just gonna keep putting it out there.  What I can say to them is, don’t worry about me – just know I’ll get it in my own time,as long as it takes for me to get all aspects of ME in line.  Anyway, yeah – moving on…

I went to the weight loss center yesterday after not having gone for months, it seems.  The reason being, I didn’t see the point in going when I knew about myself, that I might go, but then I’d return home and continue my same behavior.  I guess I wasn’t ready, or just not willing to make changes.  Yeah, that’s part of it – not ready, not willing, not wanting enough apparently.  I know I’ve mentioned this before, but again I started going and looking into lapband surgery.  I’ve been considering weight loss surgery for nearly 8 years now, doing my own research, talking to my family, looking into my insurance – but I never wanted to go through with it.

Recently, though, I decided to move even further and put it on my radar – put it in my near future – like 3-6 months in front of me because I didn’t want to find myself a year from now in the same place, maybe worse.  However, after doing further and further research, of course, like all the other times I found myself turned off by it.

Coley voice one:  I don’t want to be limited!

Coley voice two, looking herself up and down:  That’s obvious.

I didn’t know what to do.  I met with my doctor and asked him if he had anything else I could try before I moved forward with that.  He suggested his own weight loss plan.  That, however, would cost me more.  I talked to hubman about it and he mentioned, although always supportive, how we already plonked down a wad-o-cash for the most recent plan I had tried.  I felt so guilty.  I knew that was coming, and yeah, I already felt like a complete failure – but yeah, he had a right to say it.

I decided to call Slimgenics and see how many weeks I had left before I invested in my docs plan.  I thought that I had about a month left in my plan.  I called and was surprised to find I actually had like 29 weeks left!  This was a shock and I figured – alright, I know the program, we have prepaid time there left… give it another go?  It doesnt’ end there with money, though, I need to refill some of my required snacks pretty soon (cha-ching), so it was a hard decision to make to walk back into the building.

I warned the girl that would weigh me in that i had gained a ton – I didnt want to see her look of shock at the number on the scale.  My look of shock appallment was on my face, or at least behind it, in my mind – I didnt know i had gotten that high.  Man oh man.  She didnt seem shocked… yet, not until she took a look at my records and how low I had gotten and the jump UP I had maid.  She was definitely surprised then.  That totally sucked, but yeah, whatever, you can only move forward, right?

We did some chatting.  Of course the plan is based on disciplined, healthy eating.  I know by following the plan I would once again drop weight and feel amaaaaazing… that is, after the initial complete PAIN of moving past my starch/sugar/carb addiction.  That being said, looking at one of the pre-planned week suggestions, I just stared like a zombie at the eating plan – it seemed soooo imposssssible!  By seeing the lack of sugar/carbs/starch I already could feel the weakness and the way my body would feel – calling out for my fix!

When she suggested I have cut-up celery ready to reach for at any time, like when I watch a movie in theevening, I stood still, nodding and listening – when I really wanted to be a whiny, naysaying teenager and pretend to retch.  I knew it was all wonderful-for-you stuff, but my addiction was going to have another attitude about it, for at least the first few weeks, and first few days to the max!  My only other idea to get through this was to keep INCREDIBLY BUSY!

So, here I am – back on Slimgenics – or at least I’m on day one.  (again) But it’s all I have right now.  I can’t control myself with my magnetic draw towards bread and sugar, so to be honest, a diet of moderation isn’t going to do it for me right now, maybe in the future when my body and habits don’t scream so loudly – maybe someday, which right now feels so unlikely.

… and seriously sh*tty stuff.

I have a post coming, hopefully tonight if I get some time to myself without my looney kids and a massive to-do list in the house screaming to be done – I hope to post.  I need to post about what’s been going on in my head today, what my thought process has been about what’s next and just goodness, golly HONESTY.

I’ve been weighing in at home for a while – now and then, but haven’t stepped on the scale at Slimgenics for a while now.  I did an hour ago.  And boy oh boy…

Reality not just hit me, but knocked me the heck over.  I need to get out there, put it out there, be honest to MYSELF and I’m gonna do it. Watch this space.

Thanks everyone for chiming in with your support.  I feel so bad keeping this blog sometimes because I feel like it’s filled way more with down boohoo posts rather than ones of success and uplifting anecdotes lol

I’m feeling a tad less boohoo, and so yeh, that’s that!  I’m going to get back into checking up on all of you guys, and just trying to find positive feelings throughout the day instead of woe-is-me stuff.

My docs office has their own weight loss plan, so I’m going to be starting that soon.  More cha-ching, of course, but nicole has proven to not be able to go about it by herself, so Im gonna give it a go.  I’ll let you know more as I learn more about what it’s… all about.

I’m avoiding my blog because I’m doing SHITTY!