Another impromptu weigh-in tonight after my work out for two reasons: one, I was curious and two (the truth reason), I was really tempted to get a quesadilla from Chipotle, and needed to see my success to keep me on track.  After my workout, I am proud to say – I weighed in at 283.25.  Ahuh.  That’s right, ladies, 20 lbs down!!!  Gackk!!!

Of course, I ran in for my impromptu weigh-in so I didn’t have my mini-meeting with the ‘counselor’ like I was supposed to and it wasn’t officially recorded, but I saw it and I suuuure liked it.  I am going in tomorrow morning for my official weigh-in… hope the number is still there.  I’m a tad nervous that I’m gonna gain six pounds (sarcasm) by tomorrow morning because my period is due any day now.  TMI?  Oh well…

I had my hip hop class today – it was awesome.  I loved it – I really really worked out hard today, too.  It was day two of the new routine so I had it down this time as was able to put OOMPH into it.  I am soooo sore in my legs since we were doing this squat twist thingy, but it feels so great.  Yay.

Just a quick boast-post because in order to keep up the momentum, we have to celebrate the journey!

Haha, that title made me chuckle.

This is a complete rambly post.  Most of it due to the fact that I’m trying to stay away from the jar of Jelly Belly jelly beans in a jar on the counter.  I’m not even usually a jelly bean person, but they are calling me – the sugar is calling me. They’re there because my baby FINALLY decided she’s ready to potty train!  It’s so awesome!  She showed NO interested and resisted at every turn – so different than her older sister.  But then yesterday I told her as she ran around naked “You need to put a diaper on, I don’t want you peeing on my couch!” and she states “No diaper!”  So I said, “Then you need to use the potty!”  I said this because she would usually refuse and say “No use da potty!” and run and fetch a diaper.  This time she said “ok!” So she ran off to the bathroom to sit on her little potty (which has done nothing the past few months but hold dolls now and then).  A few seconds later she proclaimed that she was done.  I gave a sarcastic look to husband, we’ve heard that before.  Lo and behold, she went!!  We dug out the last of the Easter jelly beans and displayed them on the counter to encourage her.  So there they are, colorful and bright – my eyes dance just as much as hers when she caught sight of them…

So, I’m not feeling too great today.  It’s a lovely day outside and I’d love to get out in it, but I’ve got this headache that is kind of preventing me from being proactive at all.  My body is also feeling really fatigued and sore.  I don’t know if it was just my lack of sleep last night from the headache or if maybe I’m coming down with something.  Both the kids aren’t in tip top shape either – one has a cough, the other a runny nose, so it’s no surprise if I am getting sick myself.  I’m bummed, though, I want my sickness to wait til after my gym class tonight!  So, I really am hoping to make it tonight.

I stepped on my bathroom scale this morning.  It’s off, consistently off about 5 lbs light.  So, when I got on the scale this morning, I knew it wasn’t my “real” weight – but since I’ve used that scale for ages, it was still really neat to see the little needle go under 280′s.  Very, very cool.
It’s really happening.  Why is it so hard to believe?  I mean, I’ve seen that scale hover around 295-297 for months (that is a true weight of 300-302) that to see it dipping down to 278 is surreal!!  A reward.

As for DD’s lol… I haven’t bought any “goal” clothes yet.  I figured most of my reward was to shop when I am actually the size, plus I kept a few things from my thinner days to fit into.  I’ve got these pair of jeans that I got from Victoria’s Secret when I was 17 that I’d love to fit in – even though they’ll be horrendously out of style, I’ll wear them around the house or something – ha!  It’s just the idea of getting into them again.  And I’m being reasonable, the jeans are a size 14 (although they are a small 14 for sure, being VS and all)
But I did want to buy a few things to help me visualize – and also I thought about taking a pic of me wearing something and then continue to take pics over time of me fitting in it better. Wouldn’t that be fun?
So yesterday I found this really cute little sundress at Target – in the Jr’s section!!  So, I came home and thought – I wonder how far I have to go to even GET into it.  I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to get it on at all… but was suddenly taken aback at the size of my JUGS!  I had to hold onto the straps to prevent them from snapping!  In my mid-late teens before I got much heavier, I had pretty medium boobs B.  It was nice getting bigger boobs with weight because it kind of by contrast made my midsection look not so big lol.
But for the first time I looked at my big ol boobs with annoyance.  How was I going to wear these cute lil dresses with THESE in the way??
And then, if they do get smaller, will they be a weird shape and stuff?  Even after nursing two babies, they still are pretty boobs.  If I lose weight, what then?  Surely they’ll go because unlike my mom, I’m not built like a coke bottle.  I want them to be smaller for the sake of the cute dresses and not haveing to wear a HOLSTER wth seven clasps in the back and three inch thick shoulder straps… but if they do shrink, how will they look?  I was pretty bummed at the whole thought of it.  Silly, I know, but sometimes you think – I’m working so hard – at the end of this journey, don’t I deserve something great at the end?  I know, I know, health and weight loss and looking great with clothes on is fab – but I wonder if I’m going to have to put the idea of sundresses to bed?  If I do, it’s all right… there are worse things in life – lol.  Maybe I’ll get a cute little cardigan to go over it
This entry, as rambley as it’s been has been so much because it’s taken me about 3 hours to write it – up and down, up and down – is the life of a mama!  So, the raincloud is lingering in my house and I catch glimpse of it now and then, but for the most part he’s leaving me alone.  It’s a wonderful thing.  The sun is shining after all, the advil is kicking in finally to help with my headache. I can’t wait to workout…

Oh happy day.  Wrong scale, double d’s and all!  If you’ve made it through this useless entry, I applaud you!  It was mostly for me, but if you got through it – I feel spesh

Seeing that number on the scale this morning was very satisfying.  Very.  It means I’m getting CLOSER.  My driver’s license says 280.  To be under that number will be phenomenal!  I can’t wait.  I’ll see that goal soon, I’m sure!   My eating is going well.  I surprise myself everyday.  Honest.  I’ve had this blog for years, surely years.  And have started – wrote a couple entries in a couple days and then deleted them as weeks would go by without an update.  I have to com here and be honest and remember my goals.

So anyway.  The cloud has dispersed some today.  Quite a lot, actually.  The sun is shining and the weather is Mary Poppins.  (Practicly Perfect in every way!)  That always lifts my spirits.  I kept busy.  I dodged having breakfast out with a friend – she asks me every morning to have breakfast out with her – at our FAVE breakfast joint, too.  It’s so hard to resist, but I did.  I came home and had my fuel and then headed back out again.  After picking up my oldest from preschool, we headed to the park where there was a playdate going on in my playgroup, a few moms were meeting there.  I had to go because otherwise going straight home may have brought the cloud back.  We spent some time in the sunshine and we’re all rosy and happy to be home now.  The kids are settled and resting and I’m glad to have moved a bit more and chatted with the moms… got my mind out from “that thing” that’s been bothering me.

Time heals. Each day I hope it gets easier.  I believe it will.  And while I’m waiting for that, I’ll be dropping this weight and going for the gold!  I feel like such a WINNER today.  How silly does that sound? Hhaha… it does sound silly and I’m loving it.  Silly is better than a personal sized raincloud anyday! Oh, and yesterday I got new workout shoes to help prevent further ankle injury and I also got workout pants and a tshirt.  I wore them yesterday and my legs looked great!  Over time, I’m starting to look less obviously like the “big girl” in the mirror.  That’s pretty cool.  It’s obvious I still am, but hey, I’m getting through the routines and having fun doing it.  I don’t feel like I stick out too much, which is  nice.  It will be really neat one day to totally fit in in those mirrors… of course I’ll always be a head above them, lol.

Off to be productive, I’ll update later

I know you all already knew that.  Maybe I should have exercised twice today – earlier today just to lift the cloud and again this evening for my awesome class.  Class was great.  It was hard, of course.  Maybe I should take my inhaler before class. My thyroid is acting up because my muscles were fatiguing really quickly.  My feet kept getting numb from the new shoes… but enough whining, all in all it was a great class.  I came out feeling all glowing and healthy and proud of myself.

Before I went to class I stopped by at Slim 4 Life to weigh in.  I was happy to see a number I hadn’t seen in ages… 285.25 I was down 1.75 lbs!!  I  don’t really want to record it as my “official” weight as I’d like to get a morning reading – so I plan to pop it tomorrow morning for an official one.  I’m hoping it’s a tad lower for a nice, evenin 285!  Woop woop!!  But either way, with my weekend-o-naughtiness, I am just hoping to have any loss at all.

Alright, so like I was saying.  After my class, I drove home.  The weather was lovely and cool, the sun was setting.  I usually rush home, but the girls were quiet in the back, so I turned the music up a bit and rolled down the windows and took my time driving home.  My spirits had definitely lifted.  That thing that threw me for a loop…. yeah, still looped, but a little less so.  It’s got a little less hold on me.  I’m a little nervous about what tomorrow brings – but I don’t want to waste this feeling by worrying about that.  One day at a time, one hour at a time.

Tomorrow is a new day afterall

The cloud is still following me.  That news I found out yesterday threw me for a loop, that’s for sure.  I’m trying to break out of this funk – getting busy and such.  I have to give myself MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR credit, though.  This is quite a low emotional state I’m in.  Yet, I have dodged food temptations today quite well.  I woke up this morning and had a healthy breakfast.  Then I headed out to get new shoes for the gym so I could prevent my twisted ankles.  I had one of my Slim 4 Life bars to hold me off for a bit.  After I found shoes, I decided to go to Target and hunt for a good sports bra.  I have ONE good one – and four terrible, useless ones that I usually have to wear 2 or 3 together and that… prevents breathing which isn’t so good.  I wasn’t able to find any good ones, but something else I didnt find… was my own kid.  My girls are always running around in the store, but for the most part I’ve always got an eye on them.  And if I do lose sight of them, check in the nearest clothes rack and they’re probably giggling up a storm within.

This time she was no where to be found.  I was zooming through the isles looking for that two year old menace.  I have never lost our 4 year old – although she did her fair share of running about in her almost 5 years, she has that sense to stay around me, like a little satellite.  My youngest however, is completely fearless.  Even at a recent fieldtrip with my oldest, my 2 year old was the only one barely visible as she ran over some hill or across a bridge over the river… sigh… that child.  i had never lost her but I knew it was only a matter of time.

I didnt freak out until I told a target employee and he got lots of his coworkers to comb through the store.  I thought I heard crying so I went off zooming in that direction with a whole bunch of associates going through the isles with me.  I didnt come near freaking until we were a full “block” down the store.  My heart rose up into my throat and suddenly I see one of the guys look at me and say “I think… I think they have her.” And two women are holding my baby’s hands as she skips along without a care in the world.  At first sight of her, I had no idea the feelings burning up inside of me.  I burst into tears… and even did the ugly cry with my face all scrunched up like I had eaten a lemon.

Not only had I been dealing with the emotional finding yesterday that makes me feel like I’m walking around with a huge hole in my chest.  But then THIS.  And then concerns about my own marriage. And then feeling like I’m a terrible mother… because I’m so emotionally lost right now, I’m sure I’m a vacant mother as well.  After we checked out, the girls wanted to eat at the Target Cafe.  We used to eat there often.  Have you had their Turkey and Brie sandwich?  Gahh!!!! SOOO delicious.  I wanted it.  Of course I can’t have that, so my girls demanded pizza.  I got them a little pepperoni personal pan pizza to share at home… and two cookies (thank goodness they sell them by the pair – if they sold them in groups of three that would have been hard.)  to take home and have there so that I could have “sensible on-plan” options. As I drove home, my nerves a wreck, my emotional sanity in a worse state, I came up with excuses… could I just SKIP Slim 4 Life weigh-ins this week?  Can I call them and come up with some excuse as to why I won’t be there all week?  Then i could go to Heidi’s Deli and have my favorite sandwhich (the Hell’s Kitchen – which is egg salad, alvacado slices, cheese and bacon on a ciabata bread….. sigh).  I was even tempted to reach over to the little pizza and shove it into my mouth in an emotional outburst on my way home and just get them something else.

I didn’t.  I kept my hands to myself, and my car homeward bounds.  I got them set up and got myself a roasted chicken breast, cauliflower and a clementine.

So in all the ways that I feel horrendous… this is the one thing I can control to make it a positive experience… that i can feel good about.  That I can lift myself up with.  I want food to make me feel better right now in the form of a Strawberry Cheesecake Explosion from Good Times… but that won’t feel good for long.

So here I am.  Counting the hours til my Hip Hop class this evening.  Please, Lord, let me get through it.  Let me get through this.  Let the fog clear up. Make the dark cloud go away.  And in my groaning tones, my lackluster mood… I still am so deeply proud of myself for sticking to this… through LIFE.

Is JUST to eat well.  I’m not going to try to make any miracles, like go work out or have an extra long walk (it’s hideous outside anyway)…  but since I had those days ‘off the good path’ over the weekend, I need all my focus and effort to go into staying on track with my eating.  It’s always hardest after a day (or a meal) off. In fact, I already found myself parked in front of Paradise Bakery, willing myself to drive away.  My kids were hungry and I needed to shop and boy, I would have LOVED a nice sandwich (I <3 a good sandwich).  I was able to drive home, though, promising myself not only was I saving money, but I would be happier with myself in the end.  I begrudgingly ate my lunch here at home, but guess how I feel now?  Great! Physically great and mentally great, too.

Well mentally is semi-great.  Great in the fact that I stuck to my guns and ate well.  Not so mentally in the ways that I am sick and tired of this weather, and I feel like my own persona dark raincloud has been following me around.  But I’m going to change it.  I am working on changing it every moment

Starting now.

Update:  9:05 pm

This day only got more difficult and trying.  In a way I can’t really share, but let’s just say it’s high on the list of “things that suck in life” haha… sigh.  Anyway, I’m looking forward to putting this day to BED.  And also the one thing to come out of it – self growth (even though it doesnt feel like it, it feels more like shyte.) and also the fact that I’ve eaten very well today, all day. I’ll celebrate what I can.

I’ve been off the “good” path this weekend.  I say that because I hate saying off “off track” because it makes me feel like I’ve failed and have to try again.  Just personally, that brings me down!  So, I’m on a path, just not a great one – haha.  I’ve been relaxed and eating as I please – Saturday was the worst.  Today was better, but I had things I wasn’t supposed to.  I’m so apprehensive about weighing in tomorrow.  After my fab weigh-in on Friday and all, I don’t want to see a gain on the scale.  But I suppose I need to face the truth to see just what a couple days off the good path can do to my journey and my hard work.

So yep, nothing too much to report.    The weekend has been busy and it’s disappointing that a new long week is already starting – but probably a good idea since I am more focused during the week.  I had my two BFFs over yesterday, that is always good therapy lol…

Woohoo, I weighed in this morning and was down 3.5 lbs, which makes 16.25 pounds total for my first month!  Of course I had expectations of grandeur that I’d lose 25 lbs – but then I realized… that’s like a pound a DAY.  haha, not gonna happens since I’m working out 3 times a week – I’d need to make that like 6 times a week, three hours a day – not gonna happen!  However, I was really pleased with today’s result.  I’m now 287 lbs.  Reached my first goal to get out of the 290′s!  So it’s a wonderful thing to celebrate

I was so frustrated with how the weight just insisted on hanging around, losing and gaining a half pound here and there.  I’m happy!  And it gives me the encouragement to keep going.  I’m halfway to 30 lbs!  And that’s really somethin!  I haven’t been under 280 in at least three years!  So, that’s my next goal – under 280 – because then I’m under the weight it says on my drivers license!  That’d be cool!

Weird fact, I got my driver’s license and I’ll always remember that day.  I was on WW and had lost 8 lbs and was feeling good.  I went to get my license because I was 21.  I was actually 275lbs, but I said out of habit, 280.  And you won’t belieeeeve what the fat, ugly woman behind the counter said to husband!  “Wow, whatever it is you’re feeding her, you need to stop.”  We seriously couldn’t believe it.  Husband isn’t one to stand up for me and (it kind of hurts my feelings even more looking back at it) and I just chuckled uncomfortably.  Blech.  Some people come into this world and say “How can I bring down everyone I meet today?  As long as I bring down one person, my day is a success.”  Blech!

But this entry isn’t about her, it’s about my success and celebrating that.  I’m safely under 290 (never completely safe but I’ve got a little wiggle room) and I’m heading down to my next goal of under 280!!  And I’m aiming to reach that goal in a month’s time

So, I went.  It was the third time I did this hip hop routine.  So, how is it that it gets harder each time?  How???  Well, on one hand I understand.  The first time I fumbled around not knowing the movements and trying to get it.  The 2nd time I perfected the choreography, so I worked harder because I wasn’t pausing to understand and was doing all the movements.  The 3rd time, today, I knew the choreography perfectly and right away, so I was putting extra oomph into each movement – and MAN… today was no doubt the hardest yet.  That’s a good thing, I know, but sometimes I wonder how would I know if I was pushing myself too hard?
Well, for one… a few times I felt nauseus.  And then… about 10 minutes from the end, I rolled my left angle.  YOUCH.

Thing is, I have a long history of spraining and twisting my ankles.  It’s happened so many times, people in my life had become unphased to suddenly me disapppearing from eye level (and ending up sprawled on the floor).  In fact, I knew it was happening in the nanosecond of movement, that before it rolled completely, I tried with all my might to correct it.  However, in doing so, I feel like I may have made it worse – but hurting some ligament or something because I felt a pop in the opposite side of the roll from the attempt to correct, stop the rolling.  Blugh.  I hopped through the rest of the class.  But the real pain set in when it was still and I was driving home.  When I got out I hadn’t realized how stiff and swollen it had gotten.

Plus I’ve got such a busy day tomorrow!!  Argh!  Great timing.  Anyway, one of the personal trainers told me to start wearing Cross-trainers, so looks like I’ve got some shopping to do.  I was doing all that side to side motion in running shoes.  It’s just so hard for me to find shoes that are comfortable and fit well and that I like the look of because I’ve got such big ol’ feet that nothing comes in my size in women’s shoes.

Anywhooo – in the end, I did work out and I ate very well today.  Makes me happy   Keeping my eye on the prize… it feels so good… unlike my ankle.

I guess I should stop working out in these, and maybe it wouldn’t have happened:

Someone, encourage me to go to the gym tonight – because I soooo don’t wanna!!!