So, as you know from my previous post, this morning I weighed in at the beginning of my day 5 and I had lost another 2.25 lbs putting my grand total to 7 lbs! Very nice!! Well, today was hard to get through, not so much because I was tempted to eat, but it was hard emotionally. I’m just stuck in this lull, this rut, this unmotivated, emotionless rut. I swear. It has to have something to do with the sugar/carb withdrawl! Because I can’t even fake energy and enthusiasm, even if I want to! My sister-in-law (SIL) was over at my mom’s place and brought her three kids. I could hardly even manage a smile to SIL and hunt the kids down to attack with smooches like I usually do.
My mom asked if I was tired and weak and maybe not eating enough. The truth is, she might be on to something, but it really isn’t that bad. I think I could probably handle 150-300 calories more per day, but my energy isn’t being affected terribly. I don’t get terrible hunger pangs, just regular “feed me soon” reminders – lol. So it couldn’t have been all about that.
But then this evening I went to Target to go get a couple things. I was talking on the cell to BFF and mentioned how I’ve been really mean to myself lately. I’ve been saying mean things in my head. It’s the weirdest thing ever because I have NEVER been one to do so much bad self talk. I mean, I am a normal person who gets in their moods about “Blech I feel fat, why me, why did I do this blah blah” but I’ve also been one to own up to my body, what I’ve done to it and how it’s been under my control (or rather out of control) but it’s nothing I was hateful about. My inner monologue hasn’t been so terrible… at least I didn’t think so.
I’m continuing – as hard as it is to admit – doing WELL on the program. Day five nearly down. And it’s as if my inner demons (sounds all scary) realizes that hunger and habit aren’t going to “get me” to give in. And so it’s come out in other terrible ways. Here I am, I’ve just lost 7 lbs. And I’m telling myself in my head how disgusting and huge and ugly I am. So unattractive, don’t deserve this n that, pathetic excuse, lazy, useless, blah blah blah, terrible wife, mother, daughter, friend… it’s the strangest thing. I have always tried to give to those around me so that they’d feel loved and yet here I was insisting I was the opposite – being so mean to myself. BFF told me as weird as it was, it made sense. She’s right. It really does. And y’know what else? I’m actually starting to think it might be a good thing?? It’s like in the movie, Labrynth, when they are starting to go the right way, all the stone walls are telling them they’re going the wrong way to lead them off course.
I don’t know why I’m doing that to myself, but I know for a fact that I’m doing WELL. I want success so much, I’m going to continue to venture forward through the unseen, to the places that I haven’t been before, to discover new things about myself and most importantly, heal the ones that have held me down so long. Like my mother said days before that seemed so prolific, “You’ll still be all the wonderful things about you. You’ll just be letting go of the things worth letting go of. You’ll no longer be held down by them.” It’s a beautiful though, really. My weight seems to have been my definition, my plight, for so long. I am more than my weight struggles. And I’m interested to see what’s waiting to reveal itself – and most of all prove to myself that this, what I’ve wanted for so long, is in my control. It’s really quite an amazing thought. And I wonder what other mountains I’ll suddenly want to climb, and what else shall be revealed to me about myself. Is life just one long journey of self discovery? It’s been pretty interesting so far.
