You’ve GOT to be kidding me!!

This was me when I stepped on the scale and I saw the number that flashed across the screen.

And not in a good way.

I gained THREE POUNDS!!???  Seriously.  The thing was, I knew it.  I got on the scale this morning at my house and saw that I was heavier.  But I tried not to worry about it because it’s not an accurate, dependable scale.  So, I knew I might gain but hoped that I’d be pleasantly surprised because I’ve been doing SO. WELL!

Seriously, I can say this proudly.  I have been on and off of some sort of diet for as long as I can remember!  I think I first got on Weight Watchers at 13 or 14!  And before that I was teased for my weight and totally noticed it.  I remember trying to think of ways to lose weight as early as aged 6.  I have always cheated, always sabotaged myself, always given in, always given UP.  Always made the choice to do these things.

THIS TIME, I’ve been making different choices.  More times than I can even explain, I’ve continuously successfully stayed away from temptations and when I gave in, I was VERY limited about it.  Very!  So, it’s just so shocking and seems so unfair.  I can admit, though, I AM only my “cycle”  such a nice way to say it.  I’m hoping this has something to do with it and it will drop off very soon what I should have lost otherwise.  But to be honest, it’s still not a good enough reason for me.  I should have just “lost less” rather than GAINED. Ughghgh…

Alright, so I realize that I have yet to have been on this program for two weeks and I’m still down 6 pounds.  This is a GOOD thing.  I just can’t believe it’s only been under two weeks.  It feels like ages since I was able to give in to my emotional binges and grazing all day long.  Mleh.

However, I still have things to be proud of.  I can’t quit, that’s just ridiculous.  What would that bring me exactly?  More weight, that’s it for sure.  I know in my heart that I’ve been eating very well.  So really, I can just deal with that and continue doing it.  My body has no choice but to respond eventually, right?  I got home and I was like “Seriously,I don’t want to figure out what I need to eat that’s healthy.  I’m bummed about that gain and I just want to numb it for a bit, just for a bit.”  I got out Archer Farms Spanikopita’s from the freezer and turned on the oven… preheating…

I opened the box and peered in at them.  Was I really going to let these lovely little golden brown triangles derail me?  Was I really going to let them contribute to yet another bad weigh-in in a few day’s time?  Just because I wasn’t super happy, was I willing to risk losing this wonderful feeling I’ve had?  No way.  It’s SO not worth it.  I don’t feel good in my soul when I get off track.  And me giving in “just this once” – for one thing is a total lie.  Plus, giving in ‘just this once’ makes it easier to ‘just one more time’… ‘just this weekend’… no way, none of that.

So, I turned off the oven and put the box back into the freezer.  I sighed as I filled my bottle of ice water… and dragged my feet to the fridge to find something healthy and fresh to have instead.  I ate it.  It wasn’t that amazing, it wasn’t an experience.

And I felt great.

I felt great because I didn’t give in.  I don’t want to “start over” and every time I allow my will to be stronger than my weaknesses, I win.  I win all the time, and it’s a way more wonderful feeling than what I had been feeling so often before.  I need to redefine my idea of success.  It isn’t only seen on the scale.  It’s seen in the everyday, in the choices I make not just each day, not just each meal but each hour.  This evening I SO BADLY wanted to delve into the french pastries (yes, that are STILL sitting in the fridge, looking beautiful and tempting)… instead I got out my chocolate shake mix Thermo Snack.  Something I’m allowed to have and such a healthy choice, too.  Low cal, low fat, high protein.  To be honest, my body hasn’t felt this great in a long time.  That is success in itself!!  I have to keep reminding myself that the numbers will follow.  They will.

I have decided to do a hip hop aerobics class tomorrow.  It should be interesting.  I’m a bit nervous about how I’ll be able to keep up, but it’s okay if I march in place for half the class.  The fact is, I’ll get better all the time by sticking with it.  Soon I’ll be bounding all around, maybe even in the front row!  Plus, classes help the time pass quicker and I can’t flake out 20 minutes in!  I’ll let you know how it goes.

Tags: weight gain, weight loss