Binge

Pronunciation:

\ˈbinj\

Function:

noun

1 a: a drunken revel : spree b: an unrestrained and often excessive indulgence <a buying binge> c: an act of excessive or compulsiveconsumption (as of food)

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Could I have shoveled it in any quicker?

Last night I consciously binged.  Ugh, it’s so hard admitting this.

I was hungry last night.  Since I feel consistently most of the days, just a little bit hungry, it’s becoming a bit harder for me to read my body’s signals of when I need to feed myself.  It was too late to do so anyway, but I was so hungry, I couldn’t focus. So, I went into the kichen and decided I still didn’t have the glass of milk I needed.  I opened the fridge and thought “just one slice of turkey will be great”… down goes one slice.  down goes two.  Suddenly i am putting three more slices between two slices of bread with miracle whip and a slice of cheese.  I inhaled it, mmmm. I should have stopped there.  But then it became some sort of shark week feeding frenzy.  I went to the pantry, rice krispies cereal!  Down went to bowls of it – each accompanied with a tsp of sugar.

Seriously?

I wasn’t completely in lalaland.  I sat with the feeling.  After the sandwich, I felt okay.  I should have stopped.  After the first bowl of cereal, I hardly even gave my stomach a moment to sit – I got up immediately and poured that second bowl.  I did it completely for emotional reasons.  I even remember my stomach being uncomfortable at this point.  I shoveled it down anyway.

I sat on the couch, watching Lost, and feeling and being in the moment of my body.  I never really really knew why I ate so much before.  But now that it had been a while since my last emotional binge, I could feel the difference.  I was completely calm, my body was much more still, I was content to sit and watch tv and relax.   What drove me to it?  Why not drink the milk and at least wait a few minutes?

That calm feeling, how else could I get that?  I need to figure it out.  The night before i was able to resist temptation – was it because I had exercised that day and terefore was ready to relax in the evening?  Did I have some sort of nervous energy inside?   I need to experiment with ways to find that calm.  This time, it won’t come in the form of distraction.  I can often distract myself from wanting to snack from boredom and such, but when I’m looking for inner calm?  I need to have a plan of action.  It’s quite amazing, really, when you start to really really really pay attention to your body.  It isn’t so simple.  There are all sorts of reasons that I have been eating!  Simple restricting my calories wasn’t going to be good enough.  Not for me.

So, I did feel plenty guilty afterwards.  But I really tried VERY hard to not get too upset about it.  To quote a friend from my blogroll (Wishful shrinking), “A successful person gets right back up and keeps trying. So, honestly, I haven’t failed in my attempts to lose weight. I’ve only been knocked down a few times. You never really fail until you give up.”

I keep trying to reinforce this idea in my head because I feel like I’ve been wraught with failure when it comes to my weight.  And this causes myself to throw my hands into the air and go back to unhealthful eating.  But I’m going to take this, realize maybe it had to happen in order for me to be aware.  I need to remember that nine times out of ten I need to give myself the credit for making the right choices and rejoice in those and learn from the 1 out of 10.  These all might be happening to equip me with the tools for continued success.

I’m looking forward to today.  I’m going to try out a new aerobics class this afternoon.  Begin the day without last night’s behavior hovering over me.  Go through the day with the continued perserverance, maybe even stronger this time.  Because surely being more aware is strength in itself.