day in
and day out
That’s what this process feels like. It almost feels negative, even though for most part I know and feel it’s positive. But the other day I came out of the gym and smelled some fantastic food. I knew I couldn’t have it and I drove on. I drove through the drive-thru for the kids, resisted. Came home and saw Easter candy, resisted. Made dinner for kids, resisted. Ignored food commercials. Saw husband prepare his own dinner (leftovers from Easter) – delicious mom’s leftovers. Resisted. Had George Foreman grilled chicken and steamed cabbage instead. I feel like this entire existance now is about resisting all food. But since food is on my mind so much, I feel like I’m resisting all food. I mean, food is a really cool, enjoyable, positive part of life – and here I am constantly resisting and rejecting it. Even though many times the recipes I use are enjoyable, or at least fairly so, in general they’re not the flavor festivals that I enjoy.
I look at the whole pictures, yes, there are other things I feel way more positive about. Like being in control and feeling great and full of energy. But the reason I felt bad was largely in part of the amounts of food I had, my emotional binges, eating mindlessly, not listening to my body’s cues. Now I’m so strict, it’s taken the joy out and i seem to be fixated on the next time I’ll allow myself to enjoy a meal first and foremost.
BFF and I have talked about the amazing dinner we will have when we visit NY around my birthday in September. But until then, there is a lot of holding out to be done, as well as after that amazing meal. It’s so frustrating. Night time is the hardest time.
Last night I went to bed to write in my journal and maybe watch a bit of tv. He was watching something I was completely un interested in. I had no clue what to do. Even the sound of his tvshow was annoying me. But I didn’t want to go downstairs because of how hungry I was and I didn’t want to risk it. Eventually I coudln’t even concentrate on my journal so I headed downstairs. I figured I’d go back downstairs and watch my DVR’ed new episode of Lost. As soon as I sat down there in the dark was when the kitchen started to call me. As soon as I had settled into the couch, it began. The seduction. Haha, makes me laugh to think about it, but it’s always at night these days – when I’ve been “good” all day and I’m alone at night… the seduction.
So, I gave in. I put some Harvest Cheddar sunchips in one of the kid’s little baby bowls. Sure I overfilled it a but, but that’s pfft. The least of my worries. I ended up grabbing some of the Easter candy I’ve been resisting at every turn. All in all, I probably had around 8 of those tiny little Dove eggs. They’re only about an inch long, but still. The WAY that I gave in to them wasn’t so great because I didn’t savor them. I chomped them down.
Then the last thing I did was grab a handfull of Cheddar Cheese Nips. They were completely tasteless after the flavor explosion that was Sunchips and chocolate. So yeah, fairly annoyed with myself.
Thing is, I can’t keep doing this. Every other night is going to catch up with me! I had a deelish baked apple that evening and was satisfied after that. But by the time late night rolled around, my stomach of course was empty and growling. I just need to get to bed earlier, I think. Because I’m SICK AND TIRED of feeling hungry and having a growling stomach every. night. I’ll just have to kick husband out of the bedroom if that’s what it takes.
Because when I do this, when I loosen the reins, I’m just an inch closer to dropping everything in this balancing act that is the delicate first few weeks. I hope I can do better. I will give it what I can. But I make no promises because … I know myself enough. I’m feeling pretty down on myself this morning. I hope it doesn’t wreak havoc and ruin another day. We all have our moody days. It doesn’t help that it’s a dreary day outside and I’m babysitting so I can’t leave the house (not enough car seats)… blech.
I’m having a really hard day today. I want to order pizza and inhale it. I know this is wrong. Maybe it’s the weather, but mostly it’s a bunch of things getting to me. But I’m so close to ordering a damn pizza… I need to just busy myself. As pathetic as it may seem, I’m just warning you now. I’m going to edit and update this post all through today whenever the urge takes me. Just one day at a time… I hate how food affects me so. I hate that there are emotions I experience and don’t know how to identify or handle them.
I need a job. But I could only get one at night, after 7pm and not so late that I lose sleep – gotta get up with the kids, afterall. Hmm… I need out of this house where I can never stay on top of anything and can’t get a moment of peace from the loudest little girls on the planet. Sorry, I guess I’m just having a woe-is-me day and I’m about to resort to pizza to temporarily fix it.
