day in
and day out
That’s what this process feels like. It almost feels negative, even though for most part I know and feel it’s positive. But the other day I came out of the gym and smelled some fantastic food. I knew I couldn’t have it and I drove on. I drove through the drive-thru for the kids, resisted. Came home and saw Easter candy, resisted. Made dinner for kids, resisted. Ignored food commercials. Saw husband prepare his own dinner (leftovers from Easter) – delicious mom’s leftovers. Resisted. Had George Foreman grilled chicken and steamed cabbage instead. I feel like this entire existance now is about resisting all food. But since food is on my mind so much, I feel like I’m resisting all food. I mean, food is a really cool, enjoyable, positive part of life – and here I am constantly resisting and rejecting it. Even though many times the recipes I use are enjoyable, or at least fairly so, in general they’re not the flavor festivals that I enjoy.
I look at the whole pictures, yes, there are other things I feel way more positive about. Like being in control and feeling great and full of energy. But the reason I felt bad was largely in part of the amounts of food I had, my emotional binges, eating mindlessly, not listening to my body’s cues. Now I’m so strict, it’s taken the joy out and i seem to be fixated on the next time I’ll allow myself to enjoy a meal first and foremost.
BFF and I have talked about the amazing dinner we will have when we visit NY around my birthday in September. But until then, there is a lot of holding out to be done, as well as after that amazing meal. It’s so frustrating. Night time is the hardest time.
Last night I went to bed to write in my journal and maybe watch a bit of tv. He was watching something I was completely un interested in. I had no clue what to do. Even the sound of his tvshow was annoying me. But I didn’t want to go downstairs because of how hungry I was and I didn’t want to risk it. Eventually I coudln’t even concentrate on my journal so I headed downstairs. I figured I’d go back downstairs and watch my DVR’ed new episode of Lost. As soon as I sat down there in the dark was when the kitchen started to call me. As soon as I had settled into the couch, it began. The seduction. Haha, makes me laugh to think about it, but it’s always at night these days – when I’ve been “good” all day and I’m alone at night… the seduction.
So, I gave in. I put some Harvest Cheddar sunchips in one of the kid’s little baby bowls. Sure I overfilled it a but, but that’s pfft. The least of my worries. I ended up grabbing some of the Easter candy I’ve been resisting at every turn. All in all, I probably had around 8 of those tiny little Dove eggs. They’re only about an inch long, but still. The WAY that I gave in to them wasn’t so great because I didn’t savor them. I chomped them down.
Then the last thing I did was grab a handfull of Cheddar Cheese Nips. They were completely tasteless after the flavor explosion that was Sunchips and chocolate. So yeah, fairly annoyed with myself.
Thing is, I can’t keep doing this. Every other night is going to catch up with me! I had a deelish baked apple that evening and was satisfied after that. But by the time late night rolled around, my stomach of course was empty and growling. I just need to get to bed earlier, I think. Because I’m SICK AND TIRED of feeling hungry and having a growling stomach every. night. I’ll just have to kick husband out of the bedroom if that’s what it takes.
Because when I do this, when I loosen the reins, I’m just an inch closer to dropping everything in this balancing act that is the delicate first few weeks. I hope I can do better. I will give it what I can. But I make no promises because … I know myself enough. I’m feeling pretty down on myself this morning. I hope it doesn’t wreak havoc and ruin another day. We all have our moody days. It doesn’t help that it’s a dreary day outside and I’m babysitting so I can’t leave the house (not enough car seats)… blech.
Tags: binge, weight, weight loss
