I think …. rather, I’m sure I’ll always be an addict inside.  Last night was the night I was going to allow myself to have a naughty meal.  I wasn’t going to gorge myself on food but I was going to have FRIES from Red Robin.  I haven’t had them in months and I’ve been thinking about them everyday.  I’ve done well for three weeks and I was going to allow myself.  So I planned on going and (bringin my own dressing – haha!) get a salad, an order of fries and a chocolate malt – half, to share it.  I would satisfy my cravings and move on… for another 3-4 weeks or so.  I was soooo excited!  Not only have I been eating at home for th past few weeks at each meal, but watching our money and having young kids and babysitting, I’d been stuck at home a lot without a nice reason to get gussied up.

So last night was going to be a get pretty night and we’d head out to Red Robin.  Gussied up to go to Red Robin?  Im not talking cocktail dresses, people.  Plus, I needed somewhere loud enough to take my kids (2 and 4… very loud).  The weather was bad already… but it just got worse.  It was already blizzard conditions by 3pm, and when husband came home he already had that look “We’re not going anywhere.”

I even surprised myself with how much this turn of events put me in a rotten mood.  I felt like I had been so deprived for weeks, AND stuck in the house, too, so I couldn’t even escape the desperate struggle much of the time, not even for a walk to the park for a couple hours.  Blah.  Being stuck in the house for years is something that other stay at home moms can get.  It drives you MENTAL, sometimes, it really does.

I was so disappointed.  I went upstairs and filled up my shoe-box sized tub for a bath.  I needed some relaxation.  But my tub is SO. SMALL.  But the fact that I’m also a 290 lb woman… pretty much stick two inches of water in there, I’ll get in and suddenly the water is pouring over the edge.  Lovely visual huh?  Sorry.  I was cramped and in no time, my kids were screaming and banging on the bathroom door because they wanted to go out to eat, too, and they wanted pizza and they wanted IN the bathroom with me and they wanted the purple pony with the pink hair and sister wouldn’t give it…

UGH.  I held my breath and took my legs OUT of the bath in order to lie down and dunk my head under water in efforts to drown out the sound of my dear, dear children.  It muffled it sufficiently while I listened to the beat of my own heart and the drip from the fauctet… plunk… plink… and I pondered the major hold that food had on me.  And the feeling I get of anxiousness and frustration when I can’t have it.  I remember this feeling from being like four years old, when my weight problem first started.  Hmm… what happened aroudn that time?  I have an idea that I won’t share here but yeah, for moms, one of your biggest fears for your children, specifically your daughters.

Anyway, people say that you have to stop covering your emotions with food and find the root causes.  In this process I have uncovered a few root problems, but what exactly am I supposed to do with them?  Talk them out with a counselor, i have done, but it doesn’t break the cycle.  Or perhaps this IS the process – you identify, you process and this is why that this time on my weight loss journey, I have been having success… maybe more success on many levels that I still haven’t yet acknowledged or seen.

Hm.

Moving on, i was majorly bummed.  I didn’t want to eat anything else, I wanted what I wanted.  Time continued at the girls begged for pizza so we ordered some.  I was REALLY REALLY SURPRISED at how my favorite pizza really wasn’t all that impressive – I seriously thought the heavens were going to open when I tasted it.  Eh, it was okay.  I had two slices, and really could have left the 2nd as I wasn’t impressed.  But even stopping at two is crazy for me.  It used to be closer to five.  My stomach already didn’t like the feeling, so I was okay with stopping.

I was even more thrilled to find I hadn’t gained any weight this morning.  It was like a little gift.  I am happier than ever to continue on this journey.  One meal at a time.  One issue at a time.  And one blog at a time haha.  I need to start a non-weight goals list.  One of the first ones on there is to noticeably fit better in that darn tub!