Sugar Shakes

5:15 pm – I’m off to the gym.  It’s been a week, and that week had some naughty eating in it.  Wish me luck that I come back alliiiiiiive!

8:16 pm – Woah nelly, that was way harder than last time. Maybe because I ‘gave it my all’ from the get go instead of kind of getting comfortable with the movements first. I was having a really hard time. There were times when I was tempted to just march in place, or even go off to the side and lean on the wall and hug my water bottle and towel. But I did make it through, I was visibly exhausted, but i got through all the choreography, each and every time then went through it. No one can say a dang thing about “the big girl” because she’s keeping up with the rest of them! They didn’t have to know I was an inch from my breaking point – no, no!

I’m glad I went. It gives me such a renewed sense of direction and dedication.

Why is it when I titled this blog entry “A New Day” I felt like a failure?  It’s SO dumb!  But y’know what, I’m making the changes to be more positive and to change the way that my mind works, so I will focus on the fact that I was aware, I held back and resisted where and when I had the strength to. I was sick yesterdayand the last thing my stomach was going to handle was a bunch of protein and veggies!  I couple days off the trail, doesn’t render me lost forever, right?

So, I haven’t stepped on the scale, but since I don’t feel like there is a hole in my stomach that I must have gained weight.  blech, but it’s okay.  I have been so … uncaring about my weight and diet for so long, that I do not want to go on the other end and become all obsessed.  I am making small moves in the right direction in so many ways.  That’s what sets “this time” apart from all of the other times.  When I look in the mirror, I see my potential instead of ignoring my body completely or focusing on the bad things.

Been feeling a bit down lately.  I’ve been working hard at being SUPERMOM for quite a while now, but man… I’m ready for something different.  I’m happy I had to opportunity to stay home with my children for the first few years, but my goodness – it’s HARD and I’m ready to start contributing to my household in another way.  That being said, I’ll always be part supermom… because at the end of the day, the kids arent going to raise themselves and the house certainly isnt going to clean itself.   But I’m ready to kind of check out the weather in the job world – even though everyone is competing like crazy for the open jobs, for my own sanity, I need to get ‘out there’ as well.

Lots to think about.  It feels close to impossible and a bit discouraging especially when husband says stuff like why should I work for hours and hours when he can make in one hour of freelance what I would make in two days on the wages I’d make.  It’s so fruuuustrating!!!  I am actually a photographer.  But obviously during the tough economic times, people aren’t dropping hundreds on a professional photographer for portraits!  I would love to find something in this field that is more steady….

Anyway, lots to think about.   But trying hard, hard, hard to keep my health a priority.  Not to mention my marriage  lets’ not forget that husband and I lived in separate homes and dated others for a YEAR before he moved back in in February.  Blehghghg…

My mom also reminded me, in the creative field that i want to be in, my looks can’t help but play a role.  So losing weight would benefit me there, too.  When she says that, though, blehchch, it makes me feel like my current look is working against me.  UGH!

Okay, this has been a random entry hasn’t it.  Just multi-tasking and running back and forth between kids, housework and blogging.  Which also shows how badly I multi-task, eh?  focus, focus…

* Photo by Ladyhawk365