I know you all already knew that.  Maybe I should have exercised twice today – earlier today just to lift the cloud and again this evening for my awesome class.  Class was great.  It was hard, of course.  Maybe I should take my inhaler before class. My thyroid is acting up because my muscles were fatiguing really quickly.  My feet kept getting numb from the new shoes… but enough whining, all in all it was a great class.  I came out feeling all glowing and healthy and proud of myself.

Before I went to class I stopped by at Slim 4 Life to weigh in.  I was happy to see a number I hadn’t seen in ages… 285.25 I was down 1.75 lbs!!  I  don’t really want to record it as my “official” weight as I’d like to get a morning reading – so I plan to pop it tomorrow morning for an official one.  I’m hoping it’s a tad lower for a nice, evenin 285!  Woop woop!!  But either way, with my weekend-o-naughtiness, I am just hoping to have any loss at all.

Alright, so like I was saying.  After my class, I drove home.  The weather was lovely and cool, the sun was setting.  I usually rush home, but the girls were quiet in the back, so I turned the music up a bit and rolled down the windows and took my time driving home.  My spirits had definitely lifted.  That thing that threw me for a loop…. yeah, still looped, but a little less so.  It’s got a little less hold on me.  I’m a little nervous about what tomorrow brings – but I don’t want to waste this feeling by worrying about that.  One day at a time, one hour at a time.

Tomorrow is a new day afterall

The cloud is still following me.  That news I found out yesterday threw me for a loop, that’s for sure.  I’m trying to break out of this funk – getting busy and such.  I have to give myself MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR credit, though.  This is quite a low emotional state I’m in.  Yet, I have dodged food temptations today quite well.  I woke up this morning and had a healthy breakfast.  Then I headed out to get new shoes for the gym so I could prevent my twisted ankles.  I had one of my Slim 4 Life bars to hold me off for a bit.  After I found shoes, I decided to go to Target and hunt for a good sports bra.  I have ONE good one – and four terrible, useless ones that I usually have to wear 2 or 3 together and that… prevents breathing which isn’t so good.  I wasn’t able to find any good ones, but something else I didnt find… was my own kid.  My girls are always running around in the store, but for the most part I’ve always got an eye on them.  And if I do lose sight of them, check in the nearest clothes rack and they’re probably giggling up a storm within.

This time she was no where to be found.  I was zooming through the isles looking for that two year old menace.  I have never lost our 4 year old – although she did her fair share of running about in her almost 5 years, she has that sense to stay around me, like a little satellite.  My youngest however, is completely fearless.  Even at a recent fieldtrip with my oldest, my 2 year old was the only one barely visible as she ran over some hill or across a bridge over the river… sigh… that child.  i had never lost her but I knew it was only a matter of time.

I didnt freak out until I told a target employee and he got lots of his coworkers to comb through the store.  I thought I heard crying so I went off zooming in that direction with a whole bunch of associates going through the isles with me.  I didnt come near freaking until we were a full “block” down the store.  My heart rose up into my throat and suddenly I see one of the guys look at me and say “I think… I think they have her.” And two women are holding my baby’s hands as she skips along without a care in the world.  At first sight of her, I had no idea the feelings burning up inside of me.  I burst into tears… and even did the ugly cry with my face all scrunched up like I had eaten a lemon.

Not only had I been dealing with the emotional finding yesterday that makes me feel like I’m walking around with a huge hole in my chest.  But then THIS.  And then concerns about my own marriage. And then feeling like I’m a terrible mother… because I’m so emotionally lost right now, I’m sure I’m a vacant mother as well.  After we checked out, the girls wanted to eat at the Target Cafe.  We used to eat there often.  Have you had their Turkey and Brie sandwich?  Gahh!!!! SOOO delicious.  I wanted it.  Of course I can’t have that, so my girls demanded pizza.  I got them a little pepperoni personal pan pizza to share at home… and two cookies (thank goodness they sell them by the pair – if they sold them in groups of three that would have been hard.)  to take home and have there so that I could have “sensible on-plan” options. As I drove home, my nerves a wreck, my emotional sanity in a worse state, I came up with excuses… could I just SKIP Slim 4 Life weigh-ins this week?  Can I call them and come up with some excuse as to why I won’t be there all week?  Then i could go to Heidi’s Deli and have my favorite sandwhich (the Hell’s Kitchen – which is egg salad, alvacado slices, cheese and bacon on a ciabata bread….. sigh).  I was even tempted to reach over to the little pizza and shove it into my mouth in an emotional outburst on my way home and just get them something else.

I didn’t.  I kept my hands to myself, and my car homeward bounds.  I got them set up and got myself a roasted chicken breast, cauliflower and a clementine.

So in all the ways that I feel horrendous… this is the one thing I can control to make it a positive experience… that i can feel good about.  That I can lift myself up with.  I want food to make me feel better right now in the form of a Strawberry Cheesecake Explosion from Good Times… but that won’t feel good for long.

So here I am.  Counting the hours til my Hip Hop class this evening.  Please, Lord, let me get through it.  Let me get through this.  Let the fog clear up. Make the dark cloud go away.  And in my groaning tones, my lackluster mood… I still am so deeply proud of myself for sticking to this… through LIFE.