So, I suppose I don’t know the last time I was this weight.  Surely, though, I didn’t think it would make such a difference in my clothes.  It’s great fun, but also a very strange phenomenon… getting smaller. I mean, I look in the mirror and yeah, I see a little bit of a difference.  I can’t really point out anything specific, but I look a bit less … inflated.  I’m not saying any of this to be mean to myself, honest, just observations.

I went out of town on Friday night to spend the evening with my best friend.  Earlier that day I decided to buy an outfit to wear that evening, should we go out.  I knew I needed a smaller size in my jeans because washing them in hot water was no longer doing the trick.  I had bag-butt.  I bought a size smaller and was pleased when I zipped them up without any struggle at all, they fit perfectly.  I bought a size down in the top I bought as well.  That was neat.  I felt good in the clothes.  Not fabulous in the dressing room like twirling and admiring myself-fabulous, but putting everything on and going Hm, not bad.  Hm, eh.  Hm, not bad. There was never any… “UGH!!!”

I went to my friends and she totally saw a differece in me.  I suppose the fact that she doesn’t see me everyday is what makes that difference because husband (and others) can’t tell at all, which is a bit disheartening, but no matter, I’ll show him the progress pics when the changes start to be more obvious.  We got dressed for the evening and I felt quite purdy.  It was nice!  We went to a dance club, which is rare for me.  I haven’t been to a club in YEARS, I’m sure.  But it wasn’t too busy where we were, and BFF’s boyfriend was DJ-ing, so it was nice to just hang out and chill and chat.  Towards the end of the night, though, we got up to dance.  It was fun… until.  New pants decided they were still a tad too big.  I spent the last couple hours connnnstantly pulling them up.   Im sure I looked ridiculous, but if i hadn’t, I was stepping all over the bottom of them and they were starting look like harem pants.  Irritating.

SO then I realized I need to return those pants for a smaller size.

That’s where the confusion sets in.  I’ve only lost 23 lbs.  How can this translate into two sizes down in jeans?  And not to mention Lane Bryant sizing in their jeans is all weird.  I was a seven.  I bought a six last night.  To grab a five would seem really quite odd, though.  So you may say “Who cares!  IT’s awesome to have to go down another size!  Just do it!”  I know, right?  I should think that.  But for some reason I feel this need to just keep the jeans… because surely something is up and there is no way I could have gone down two sizes.

I have read many blogs where people who reach their goal weights, or have lost considerable amounts of weight continue to go for their old sizes when shopping.  You’d think we’d proudly be poring over the racks to find our new smaller size.  So, I plan today to go in and exchange the jeans.  By golly it feels weird!  I seriously have thought through the process.  Returning the jeans up to the cashier and feeling like a complete fraud. Haha!!  I surely hope being so honest in my thought process here doesn’t make me sound like a crazy person.  Oh dear…

So, I munch on naughty snacks at like 3am on Saturday.  The whole Saturday was spent being quite naughty with my eating in fact.  That being said, it’s Sunday now and I’m going to do my best to snap out of it and not allow my off-track eating spread over the span of days and days until mid week when I’m finally able to snap out of it!  Maybe getting those smaller jeans on will do the trick

Just a quick update – had another weigh-in today, down .75 for a total of 23 lbs down.  Very nice.

I can’t wait for two more pounds – not only will that make me in the 270s, but also 25 lbs down.

Woohoo!  So, I thought my 10 year high school reunion was next month.  Turns out it’s mid-July!!  Soooooo that gives me even more time to achieve a weight goal and feel great!    I’ll still be considerably heavier than I was in High School, but who cares, right – so long as I’m healthy and happy and hanging out with old friends.  It’s just nice to have somewhat of a goal to aim for, yknow?

Sooo – now that I have SEVEN AND A HALF weeks to go – I can TOTALLY go for the “big goal” of 269.  Wouldn’t that be just awesome?  That’s around 1.6 lbs per week.  And um yeah, that’s TOTALLY achievable!  That IS the goal I have set and that IS the weight I will reach by then!  Plus, Bee’s 5th birthday is soon after – it’d be great to host her party feeling and looking great with way more energy!!

Goal by HS Reunion is 269.  That is a loss of 12 lbs.

*Shhhh, I have a secret!  I’m really excited to have more time and am gonna work hard, get in my water, eat well (or strive to do all these things each day) … in hopes that I could even have a 2.5 lb loss each week.  It’s a reasonable goal at my current weight, that would mean just over 18 lb loss by the reunion, putting me at around 262.  That’d be DAMN cool!!

I know, all this numbers talk means nothing to ya’ll but it’s my blog – so woohoo!! I get to daydream all I want!  Wooty woot!!

I also have other “time” goals.  Like my b-day and my trip to NYC with my BFF is mid Sept, too.  My super goal by then was to reach my “I met husband” weight of 235.  I think I will, instead, go for a reasonable, healthy goal of 249 – which is awesomely under 250 – amazing!  And would require me to lose 32 lbs and about 2lbs per week.  Plus, I got married at 245, so that’d still be quite amazing to be so close to that!

I have other wish-goals, too… like 199 by my 9 year marriage anniversary.  That’s about 8 lbs a month, aggressive but doable.  Either way, so long as my weight is heading down, and my health on the up slope – I’m pleased

How good it feels to be moving forward again.  I’m down 5 lbs (like 5.25, but on my weight-loss page, it says 4.75 because I forget to record some other weigh-ins and had to balance it out, blah blah) and seeing 281 on the scale this morning was amazing!  It’s SO stinkin’ close to the 270s… that is a beautiful thing!  This is a rushed entry, but I’m feeling good which is so, so nice.

Plus, I totally remembered a week or so ago that my High School Reunion is in ONE MONTH!  Or less!  Crazyyyy!!  I want to come up with an goal that will get me excited (to be under 270) but more reasonable  (275?)… I’ll think on and update later…

Welcome back, Me!!

Facing the music and returning, does.  As Fluffy would say, this is, “A Journey of Perseverance.”  One of the most true things I’ve ever heard!

So, I’ve been off the fab-wagon for a while and yesterday was my first day that would be considered “good” again.  It would have been perfect, but I felt like I was starving and my stomach eating me from the inside out, so late in the evening I had fruit and lite yogurt.  Could have been worse, surely.

So, another day, and already I’m going to be met with MAJOR temptation.  Why?  Oh because it’s a holiday weekend and this obviously means my family is all getting together for a big ol’ BBQ and in true brown-fashion, the entire shindig is going to revolve around food.  Sigh… it’s gonna be near impossible.  Frowntown.  But what I’m aiming for is a general change of habits in my whole life – which means, doing well, being sensible, no being OBSESSED and hovering and circling the buffet area like a satellite…

I just realized that I almost always start my paragraphs with “So,” or “Anyway,” – I’ve had to stop myself lots of times.  Then I realized, do I go off on tangents a lot?  And the “So” and “anyways” is me trying to get back to the point?  If I have done this, and it’s irritated you, my apologies.  Just try to imagine how scattered my own mind is…

Bad day, Good day?

Moving forward (or So, or Anyway…) this morning hasn’t started off so hot.  Maybe in other ways, it’s been great.  I was supposed to babysit this morning, so I rose bright and early ready to receive my 15 month old part-time kid.  I went to get dressed to find our dog had vomitted on her bed, near the closet.

Sigh… it’s gonna be a bad day.

I get dressed and take the bed downstairs and tossed it into the garage to deal with later, after part-time kid arrived, so I wouldn’t miss hearing the doorbell.  I dragged my feet around, opening the windows to let the gorgeous sun shine in – it was going to be a beautiful day.  Lucky us!  I plopped down at the dining room table since husband had left his laptop out to check my email. I get a phone call from the kid’s mom.  (She’s already 15 minutes late) and she says that she won’t be coming by afterall. Really irritated because  not only did I wake up earlier than I had to, I could have had spoon time with husband since it’s a rarity for us.  I feel like these people never consder the value of my time.  If she was sick with fever and red throat now, surely she was 30 minutes ago.  Sigh.  Bad day?  I never watch kid on Sunday, so it was a last minute thing they asked me and I agreed – everyone can use more money these days.

I set the phone down and hear the birds chirp… sigh, it will be a good day, I just won’t be getting that haircut I wanted.  I plop back down to play bejeweled on facebook.  Stolen moments!  I am awake, all is quiet – awesome!  Good day!

I suddenly hear the thunderings of a 115 lb Rhodesian Ridgeback mix… I looked up just in time to have my stomach turn at the SPLASH… she vomited (four times as much this time) onto our carpet.

Nice.

I have no clue how to use the steam cleaner – could that thing look more complicated, seriously?  I use the nifty new intercom feature on our new home phones.  I intercom husband who is upstairs.  I ask him how to use the blasted thing and bark that surely our dog has some sort of disease or virus that will cost us millions.  Bad. Day.

He offers to come and clean it up for me.  Good day.  Very.

Now in the midst of trying to write this entry over the span of an our – lots of good and bad things are happening in between… although I have a digging starved feeling inside (something I sadly have to get used to), Bee (my 4 year old daughter) is eating her cereal and “reading” a Curious George book but supposedly today it’s about a caterpillar on a boat.

Ahh randomness.  I am you and you are me.

I’ll end this entry with – I REALLY HOPE I STAY ON TRACK TODAY!!!  Oh I didnt tell you, for every half pound i lose between this holiday weekend, when I weigh in Tuesday – I get a free week of weight loss at Slim 4 Life.  I wonder if that means I’m reimbursed?  Probably not… pshht.

It was really nice getting up this morning and not having GAINED weight like the recent mornings.  Woot!!

But that’s gonna change!  I’ve been eating off track for several days now, and I haven’t exercised since Friday!  I have a class tonight that I’m looking forward to.  Even though the torture of feeling so deprived each day with such restricted eating was terrible, there was always a deeper satisfaction in what a gift I was giving myself and the fact that the scale was going down.  Now, I am not only dealing with the scale going up, but the disappointments in myself and feeling guilty.  No worries, I’m not wallowing in it, I’m going to take back that power.  I remind myself today is a new day and a new chance to get the momentum back because it is within my grasp!

One thing though, we REALLY need to go grocery shopping.  Of course we have tons of food in the house, but not much out of cans and boxes and our perishables are well… perishing.  So that needs to happen.

Anyway, I’m going to just focus today not so much on portions but sticking to my LIST and getting in lots of water.  I’ve been having way too much salt lately, and that’s a big change and I can feel it in my body.  I haven’t weighed in this week so I need to go do that, too.

I’m sure I’ll be back more often whining about this and that – but also rejoicing about doing good for myself which now that I’m reminded of “the other side” of the fence, is so much more satisfying!  It’s gonna be a lovely day outside, I hope I can make it lovely inside me, too.

I had husband snap some pics of me yesterday before we left to see the ‘Flight of the Conchords’ in concert at Red Rocks Ampitheatre!  Red Rocks first off, is such an incredible location, has to be one of the most beautiful EVER, and just seeing one of our faves there, was really fun.  We went early and ‘tailgated’ … a first for me.  Don’t blame me, I’m brown.  It was fun, but of course nothing on my “allowed” list was there, so I tried to focus on fruit – since it was really the only ‘healthy’ thing there.

Anywho, as for my pics.  I was hoping to see some huge difference, alas, no.  Then I realized I didn’t take those pics in the beginning, I was already 11 lbs down by then.  So, the difference in my befores/currents is only 9 lbs.  I think I might have more neck, but that’s about it.  I have to admit, I felt a bit low-self-esteemy from seeing my current pics.  I talk a good game pretty often about looking great, but I look tired in that pic… not so keen on having my picture taken either.  I was also irritated beacuse when we tailgated, we did so with husband’s coworkers.  One of his coworkers is mid-30s, or older and she acted so young.  To a point it was annoying and gross because she had on this shirt that says “Swallows” and then this belt buckled shaped like a razor that said “shaved” – and I’m like seriously?  Does this make you feel young?  It makes you look ridiculous, that’s what.  But then on the other hand I thought, gosh, do I act too old?  I dunno… she was in way better shape and sometimes I wonder if I’m too serious or something – I dunno, I dunno.

Anywho, yesterday was an exhausting day emotionally too.  Two friends of mine are really ‘going through it’ with their spouses.  One of them, she and her husband decided to separate and this has really flipped her upside down, poor thing.  The other, they were already “separated” but living in the same home, he had become jealous over the weeks and already was unbalanced after his return from the war, that he ended up pulling a gun on himself and she ran out of the house to hide behind a tree with her kids, afraid he’d turn the gun on them.  Jeeez… and here I am worrying about myself, huh.  It was especially disappointing because her husband had spent a lot of time with me on the phone because he didn’t have anywhere else to turn who was willing to listen and talk, and I’m so disappointed in the whole situation but know it’s not my fault that I could’t fix it… blegghhg.

Anyway, It’s another busy day and I should be preparing for it.  I hope you all are doing well and smiling.  It’s a beautiful day over here   A new day, hopefully with a bit less drama for my dear friends.  Go see my pics in my Progress Pics page!