Alright, so I was my old self over the last week.  Heck, who am I kidding, I’ve been the old-habits-me for months now.  But moving forward, I stepped on the scale this morning and should have been horrified.  The number was NOT good, 279… and I have NO doubt I’m actually in the 280s like I swore I’d never get back to, because my scale usually weighs me a couple lbs lighter than the ‘big scales’ at the weight loss center and my gym.

I wasn’t surprised, though, because my behavior supports exactly that – weight gain.  It’s boohoo-y how fast I put it on.  As much as I feel stuck and like a failure, I’m not wallowing in it – that’s not gonna serve me.  That energy is best put into trying to limp and pull myself along in a forward motion.  I’m still, slowly, reading the Dr. Phil’s Ultimate Weight Solution and it’s had some exercises, writing stuff, that has been neat to do – and also questionnaires which have brought some surprising realizations about myself – not shocking, but still things I hadn’t thought of before about myself… like the fact that from the questionnaires, it does NOT seem like I’m wanting to lose weight enough.  I mean, it’s obvious in some ways – because duh, I’m gaining weight and not working towards a healthy lifestyle.  However, I also feel like I want it more than anything!  But the quiz points to the opposite, so I continue to read to see what I can do to remedy that.  It’s also done a lot of looking towards the way that I speak to myself not only about my weight, but about my capabilities… so yeah, that’s about it.  The book is a bit slow – like I feel like he says “I’m gonna tell you this and that and this and that…I’m gonna!” and it’s like – well… anytime now… I already bought the book so now’s a good time… lol.

Tomorrow I’m starting Jillian Michael’s SHRED with my girl, Tammy.  I’m nervous… and excited.  I had been planning on doing the workout a couple times BEFORE starting the program – 30 days nonstop!!  However with how busy (and unmotivated) I’ve been, I haven’t – so tomorrow will be day one!  Today, my focus is watching my points, staying in my range and also going for a 30-40 minute walk.  Just getting moving again.  I haven’t been to the gym in almost two weeks – oh the shame!!!

Bah.  Anywho, my family and I – the family manager especially – has been so busy!  Just like all of you this time of year, Im sure, so it’s not excuse, but I have been pretty nonstop.  I want a new calendar and a day planner so I could WRITE IN workout time and also help myself preplan dinner and stuff.  I wish my printer worked, then I could just print  simple one out.  Nothing’s stopping me from jotting one out with a Sharpie, though, haha.

Anyway, just checking in with you all and letting you know where I am and what I’m up to. Since Ive put on a good 10 lbs (hardly good, but you know what I mean) I am starting to feel heavy again and notice it on my body which sucks.  Gotta just get moving in the other direction.

My friend reminded me of a great quote,

“A year from now, you’ll wish you had started today.”

Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving doing what you wanted most to do – whether it was to be with a loud bustling group of family and friends or maybe having a peaceful evening with your closest loved ones.  I hope it was wonderful (and you didn’t get as stuffed as me!)

Here are my two wee ones that I’m over the moon thankful for

I don’t know the last time I “started on Monday”.  It always seemed like some crazy curse to me.  I’ve always done “in the morning”.  And more often the past few months “next meal…” which I know is the healthiest.  However, I recently got into contact with an old friend and I’m soooo excited about it.  I totally think she needs to start blogging because she’s hilarious, wise, thoughtful and just has such a wonderful attitude – come on, woman, you know I’m talking to YOU!

Anywho, she is “starting on Monday” and wants me to join her there.  So, as you know I’ve been limping along each day for the past few … ahem… months. Moving on, my friend and I decided to “start monday” so she said “eat whatever you want because Monday’s coming!”  So I did.  And you know what i realized?  Umm.. yeah… my idea of “bad days” up until this weekend – was NOTHING.  THis weekend, I ate whatever my chubby midsection desired… and I felt miserable!  I felt on a sugar high much of the time, followed by sugar lows.  I felt tired and bloated.   My body was SO not used to this sort of indulgence and it was interesting in a few ways.  I’m happy to say – I do NOT eat nearly as badly as I used to.  These days when I feel I’ve had a “bad day” – it’s my NEW version of what a bad day is beacuse this weekend as I allowed myself to splurge, it was nothing different than what I did this time last year, but I could no where NEAR put away as much as I used to!

And the second thing I learned was, I thought that’s what I wanted – I thought I wanted to indulge… but yknow what.  It doesn’t feel as good as I thought it would.  Not at all.  And the funny thing is, I’m SO excited about Monday now!!! lol

So, I know – starting Monday – never a great idea – but I’m glad I did it this way.  But after this high calorie weekend – I’m sure my body is going to be hissing at me for more come tomorrow.  Well, here it comes!

I tried a new class last night.  Even the name was intimidating.  “Strike!”  It was as hard as it sounded.  First off, there were no heavy people in there… just me.  Mmmkay.  But I obviously was standing outside of the room at the right time.  I stood there, reading the description, debating on whether to go in or not, when some woman approached me and practically pulled me inside “It’s fun, it’s awesome, you’ll love it!”

“Is it really hard?” I asked, sounding wimpy, I’m sure… but it just blurted out.

“It sure is, but you can do it!” she shouted with a smile as she skipped to the front of the room.

I should have guessed.  She was the instructor.  Small, but built like an athlete.  Or maybe more like a pitbull?  She was cute, but man, I had no clue what was coming.  That girl was a powerhouse!  That class was more difficult than it looked the times I had gazed through the window at it.  I was breathing so hard that I couldn’t help but make the “tired ugly open-mouthed” face during the workout… and I didn’t care.  Several times during the workout I thought to myself.. “Seriously?” and “You’ve GOT to be kidding me.” and “What was I THINKING?”  We did these horrendous things called helicopters with these weighted bars and we twisted them and spun them above our heads and right and left like samurais with a bo staff.  And man, it worked every muscle of every shape and size in my back, shoulders and obliques.  Craziness.Did I mention we also wore weighted gloves?  What starts out as “Oh not too bad, it’s only 10 lbs total” suddenly feels like 50lbs as the time goes on!

Usually when I make it through a class, I’m pumped and excited and I feel so accomplished.  After this one, I felt exhausted and miserable!  But….

I got through it.  And the best part of that – is I’m SOOOOO not wanting to undo that hard work today!

So, even though today I can’t raise my arms above chest level… I’m smiling

Just a few thoughts, but want to tell you to please leave me a message with your vote on my hair poll!! Thanks

Okay, before the hair stuff, I wanted to say that I went to weigh-in this morning at the Slim place (agian, I’m breaking up the name so I don’t come so high on search engines – lol) and I was surprised that there was a little flicker in me that wanted to get back on their plan, even with just very small changes this week, very small.  I brought my DD to the doc for an appt and got home.  I made her lunch and then hopped online to check blogs and email and such.  NExt thing I know I’ve been chowing down on Harvest Cheddar Sunchips (UM.. YUM!) and haven’t a clue about how many servings I’ve actually had.  Maybe three??

It sucked because then I thought – oh keep going, try again tomorrow.  DUMB WAY OF THINKING!!!  Plus, the horrifying part was the WEIGHT that came up on the scale when I went in today.  Seriously… shameful.  Just. shameful.  I can’t believe how much weight I’ve put on in just two months.  Alright… should I admit it.  Okay, my weigh-in this morning was 279.5.  Sigh… that’s 11 lbs in two months.  And 6 lbs in three weeks!!!  Gasp!!!

But then I came upon Jenn’s post here, and it was so what I’ve been thinking, feeling.  Ahh this blogging community stuff is so important, isn’t it?  Because as I had that feeling of just giving in – I knew I couldn’t.  I knew I couldn’t let that slip dictate my entire day.  Just like I can’t allow a few bad months to dictate the months to come.

Okay, onto other things – that might not seem important, but it kind of is right now so thanks

Hubby and I are in a battle, lol, over my hair.  I’ve had long hair my whole life, pretty much up until our separation in 2008, when I chopped off my hair into a bob because I had always wanted to try it.  I loved it!  However, now we’re back together and I want to make him happy so I’ve been growing it out again.  But right now it’s at this horrid in between stage that I’m hating… blegh… and I really want to go short again, it would make ME happy and it is MY hair.

However, in the ways that I give hubman his way these days, he gives me my way in other ways.  So, he doesn’t have requests with my looks except for this, so I respect that.  But as silly as it might sound, my hair actually gives me a daily irritated feelings and it doesn’t make me feel as confident because I don’t think long hair suits me anymore.  So, here is a photo of me with long hair and also a photo of the hairstyle I want to try out!  I say – cut it – it will always grow back.  And dh says “Please dont” and when your hubman feels so strongly about something like that, you really want to please… but it’s my hair!

Hello all, just letting you know, I’m still here.  A quick update to let you know I’m looking forward to joining Tammy and her friends in their Jillian Michael’s Shred venture!  Thirty days in December!  However, I fear this video so much I’m wanting to work out more just to prepare for it!  This “holiday” business has never affected me more than this year.  I mean, sure, I ate a lot every other holiday season, but this is the first time I’m conscious about my eating this time of year and man is it hard!  I am gathering up low fat substitute recipes to use so I can enjoy with less guilt – but the fatty in me also says “It just wont be the saaaame” – who care Coley if it’s still good!! lol  I have even avoided eating some traditional favorites so I dont’ turn my nose up at my low fat versions   Spoiled, me.

Alright everyone just popping to let you know I’m not wallowing in sadness and failure over here.  Actually looking forward to becoming a force – but man, it’s not an easy time of year to do it (as if any time is easy haha, but now is harder!) but at the same time, how about ringing the New Year in feeling great, closer to goal in mind, body and spirit and not limping over the New Year line “starting over” like I do every. darn. year!

  One can hope!

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be such a downer blogger.  But I just posted the below post, trying to find some glimmers of hope in which to control myself, my obese habits of an obese person.  But the truth is, as I mull around my kitchen looking for things that certainly won’t help me, and I won’t find them there anyway… I feel like – how dare I even blog at all?  What is the point, really.  I don’t want to be all defeatist.  But seriously, what am i doing blogging?

Sure, at one point I lost over 30 lbs… but what NOW, WOMAN!!!

I deleted the name of the program I’ve been on because when you typed it into a search engine, my blog comes up so high on the list.  I don’t think I like that.  Either way, as you all know, I was going to take a break from that program because I wasn’t working it. I felt it was too restricted – for me – and I wasn’t sticking to it – my fault.

However, they’ve been calling to check on me and today I called back to let them know.  I told them how I felt great on the program, but I wasn’t making it work.  I wasn’t sticking to it.  I would go to the meeting and smile and nod and they’d often be so sweet about it – but then I’d go home knowing I wasn’t going to do anything right.  Blah!  That’s MY fault.

Anyway, that being said, I haven’t been “good” for a long time now.  I agreed to go back in and talk to her about things.  I honestly don’t know what will come of it.  But it’s nice to have someone think of you when you’re exhausted and floating alone, it seems, in a pool where you’ve been forever.  I know they continue to throw me a lifesaver, so many people do… and yet I just kind of fiddle with it as it floats nearby me.

I don’t know what that’s about, but I also don’t know when I’m gonna figure it out.  And I certainly can’t wait til some magic day that happens before I make success for myself.

So, that’s where I am… same place where I always am.  Maybe even in a worse place, because if I wake up at night, these thoughts keep me up for hours.  But all I have right now is “I’m not giving up” and so far, not much else.

It’s something though.

On another note – I saw that Kat recently got herself a fabulous new gym bag for reaching a weight loss goal!  I think I want to do that for myself!  Little gifts!  You want that, Coley?  You can have it… just gotta go GET it…