No, not my before and after photos – because yeah, lets’ just say I don’t see those anytime soon.

No matter, I love looking at before/during/after photos!  Last night I was just browsing some vloggers I follow on youtube and one sprung to mind that I hadn’t checked in a while.  Her youtube name is “Citydoll” and I watched her blogs as she journeyed through getting weight loss surgery.  She was denied at first, I believe, and the whole process was very emotional for her.  However, after she got her surgery, she rarely posted vlogs.  Because, like many others, she was busy out living her life!  So, I had gotten out the habit of checking on her so I did yesterday and as just shocked at her new self!  If you’d like to see her before and after (although she wants to lose more – even though she looks fab as she is) – check her here.  Such a gorgeous girl despite her weight:

Before: (go to 3:45 for full body shot)

After: (go to 3:05 for full body shot)

So, when I saw her I was like, Gah!!!  I felt frustrated with myself because I was fat before when she was, too.  And now she’s thin and I’m still fat.  That being said, I should be happy that I have shed weight at all, right?  It’d be worse to be over 300 still.  Anyway, I started looking at more before/afters at obesityhelp.com.  All of those people in the before/afters gallery have lost weight with weight loss surgery.  However, I find them still to be very motivating just seeing what is possible, you know?  That being said, I sometimes do get bummed for a little while because I just don’t feel like surgery is an option for me.  I’ve been considering it on and off for about 8 years and just can’t bring myself to go any further than casually discussing it with my PCP.  It’s real surgery, it’s so permanent, even if you only get the band, its IN there all the time.  You can’t overeat for the most part, which is good, but that means you’re eating half a cup of food for THanksgiving?  I don’t think I want that!  I think it’s a great tool for many, and who knows what the future will bring.  But I really really really want to be able to accomplish weight loss results without having to undergo surgery.

So, anyway… yeah, that’s been my thought process lately.  I want it, I want it.  I see what’s possible and how amazing they look and I hear how happy they are in their blogs and such, and I want that… just without the surgery part.  It seems so impossible much of the time, but I can’t stop trying!  I also have this fear of losing too much weight which I’ve heard a lot about on blogs and vlogs – people who cant keep weight on – can you imagine that?  That would be scary!!  Or some lose their enjoyment in food completely!  That wouldn’t be cool!  I’m sure for some people, it’s a great tool, but I don’t wanna lose that.

Just wanna be healthy, active and to feel pretty and normal!

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Just one day weekend was okay – could have done better, could have done way, way, worse.  Not too bad – stayed on track, using my weekly flexpoints thingies.  Today I’m trying to be stricter and also do my Shred and get in a half hour extra cardio past that.