So, its only day two back on the program.  I’m doing okay, but right now isn’t the time I worry about, it’s late afternoon – but I’ll handle it when I get there – I have some plans waiting to be executed if I get the crazy hunger coming on.

Right now I’m eating a plate full of veggies.  Not anywhere near the top 50 of my favorite things, but hopefully with more time my tastes will change so it doesnt’ seem like such torture.  Okay, torture is a strong word – but maybe I won’t eat it with such a sour expression.  I don’t usually take a pic like a lot of you savvy peeps out there, but because it’s so much prettier than what I usually put in my body, yeah, I’m happy about it.  I also had a hard boiled egg that didn’t make the photo op – was busy on the stove…

Alright – so, the center wants me to come in EVERY day for two weeks – since the first two weeks are the hardest.  I went in today, for the 3rd time. I do not like weighing in everyday, that’s for sure.  However, I’m going to report my weight here once a week – every Wednesday since that was when I weighed in this week.

So, my first weigh-in:  293.

Sigh, terrible, shocking, I know.  That came on quick – but I’ve already lost a little and can’t wait to continue to see it go down.

So, I logged on to wordpress today to find out one of my weight loss counselors has found my blog!  Odd and a bit unnerving.  I feel like I can’t be as open with my thoughts as my blog, even though public, only a couple friends know about it.  I don’t want other people who don’t undersatnd me to bring up those deep struggles and issues into everyday conversation if you know what I mean.  Only people who already know about them or can relate.   But I guess having a public blog, it happens and I’m just gonna keep putting it out there.  What I can say to them is, don’t worry about me – just know I’ll get it in my own time,as long as it takes for me to get all aspects of ME in line.  Anyway, yeah – moving on…

I went to the weight loss center yesterday after not having gone for months, it seems.  The reason being, I didn’t see the point in going when I knew about myself, that I might go, but then I’d return home and continue my same behavior.  I guess I wasn’t ready, or just not willing to make changes.  Yeah, that’s part of it – not ready, not willing, not wanting enough apparently.  I know I’ve mentioned this before, but again I started going and looking into lapband surgery.  I’ve been considering weight loss surgery for nearly 8 years now, doing my own research, talking to my family, looking into my insurance – but I never wanted to go through with it.

Recently, though, I decided to move even further and put it on my radar – put it in my near future – like 3-6 months in front of me because I didn’t want to find myself a year from now in the same place, maybe worse.  However, after doing further and further research, of course, like all the other times I found myself turned off by it.

Coley voice one:  I don’t want to be limited!

Coley voice two, looking herself up and down:  That’s obvious.

I didn’t know what to do.  I met with my doctor and asked him if he had anything else I could try before I moved forward with that.  He suggested his own weight loss plan.  That, however, would cost me more.  I talked to hubman about it and he mentioned, although always supportive, how we already plonked down a wad-o-cash for the most recent plan I had tried.  I felt so guilty.  I knew that was coming, and yeah, I already felt like a complete failure – but yeah, he had a right to say it.

I decided to call Slimgenics and see how many weeks I had left before I invested in my docs plan.  I thought that I had about a month left in my plan.  I called and was surprised to find I actually had like 29 weeks left!  This was a shock and I figured – alright, I know the program, we have prepaid time there left… give it another go?  It doesnt’ end there with money, though, I need to refill some of my required snacks pretty soon (cha-ching), so it was a hard decision to make to walk back into the building.

I warned the girl that would weigh me in that i had gained a ton – I didnt want to see her look of shock at the number on the scale.  My look of shock appallment was on my face, or at least behind it, in my mind – I didnt know i had gotten that high.  Man oh man.  She didnt seem shocked… yet, not until she took a look at my records and how low I had gotten and the jump UP I had maid.  She was definitely surprised then.  That totally sucked, but yeah, whatever, you can only move forward, right?

We did some chatting.  Of course the plan is based on disciplined, healthy eating.  I know by following the plan I would once again drop weight and feel amaaaaazing… that is, after the initial complete PAIN of moving past my starch/sugar/carb addiction.  That being said, looking at one of the pre-planned week suggestions, I just stared like a zombie at the eating plan – it seemed soooo imposssssible!  By seeing the lack of sugar/carbs/starch I already could feel the weakness and the way my body would feel – calling out for my fix!

When she suggested I have cut-up celery ready to reach for at any time, like when I watch a movie in theevening, I stood still, nodding and listening – when I really wanted to be a whiny, naysaying teenager and pretend to retch.  I knew it was all wonderful-for-you stuff, but my addiction was going to have another attitude about it, for at least the first few weeks, and first few days to the max!  My only other idea to get through this was to keep INCREDIBLY BUSY!

So, here I am – back on Slimgenics – or at least I’m on day one.  (again) But it’s all I have right now.  I can’t control myself with my magnetic draw towards bread and sugar, so to be honest, a diet of moderation isn’t going to do it for me right now, maybe in the future when my body and habits don’t scream so loudly – maybe someday, which right now feels so unlikely.

… and seriously sh*tty stuff.

I have a post coming, hopefully tonight if I get some time to myself without my looney kids and a massive to-do list in the house screaming to be done – I hope to post.  I need to post about what’s been going on in my head today, what my thought process has been about what’s next and just goodness, golly HONESTY.

I’ve been weighing in at home for a while – now and then, but haven’t stepped on the scale at Slimgenics for a while now.  I did an hour ago.  And boy oh boy…

Reality not just hit me, but knocked me the heck over.  I need to get out there, put it out there, be honest to MYSELF and I’m gonna do it. Watch this space.

Thanks everyone for chiming in with your support.  I feel so bad keeping this blog sometimes because I feel like it’s filled way more with down boohoo posts rather than ones of success and uplifting anecdotes lol

I’m feeling a tad less boohoo, and so yeh, that’s that!  I’m going to get back into checking up on all of you guys, and just trying to find positive feelings throughout the day instead of woe-is-me stuff.

My docs office has their own weight loss plan, so I’m going to be starting that soon.  More cha-ching, of course, but nicole has proven to not be able to go about it by herself, so Im gonna give it a go.  I’ll let you know more as I learn more about what it’s… all about.

I’m avoiding my blog because I’m doing SHITTY!

The kids are back in school, so that keeps me busy, too – they arent full day/full week so Ive got a lot of driving each day to do – also keeping them busy here at home.  Its been freezing out for weeks, so keeping them busy in the house is a challenge as well.

Speaking of back to school – I’m interested in going back, too, but I have no clue what I want to do!  I’m not intersted in the medical field – even the idea of it makes my head spin.  So what else, what else…

My eating since the weekend hasnt been great – before that, though, I was doing so great.  The weekend always throws me of – my schedule and eating chaos seem to go hand in hand!

Alright – this has been an all over post – but Ive got an extra kiddo in my care today – so let me go make sure they’re not writing all over the walls

UPDATED with pics!

Thank you, Katie J, for awarding me the Beautiful Blogger award.  These little gestures sure do make a girl’s day.  So thank you, Lovely Katie, for bestowing the lovely on me!  Before I get into who I will pass it onto, just a quickie update.  I am in the middle of day 2 of being on plan!  Hurray!!  It feels great in some ways, and it feels really difficult in other ways.  I’m glad that when I had the urge to binge on popcorn, I told myself to nosh on an apple and turkey instead.  I did!  I added 2 tbsp of peanut butter in there to top my last few apple slices and shock-horror, it added on a whopping 190 calories all by it’s lonesome!  But I don’t want to go the lowfat peanut butter way as there’s so much sugar!  Bah!  I’ll just have to enjoy it less, and 1tbsp or something.  Anyway, still going strong and really happy about it.

Worried about working out tonight, though.  I might leave working out alone for a week, actually, to let myself focus on my food intake and not have to deal with the appetite surge I get when I work out – at least not just yet.  Anyway, all right, my lovelies, here are some beautiful bloggers that I’d like to bestow the lovely on

The rules of this award are to tell you 7 things you don’t know about me and to pass it on to 7 other recipients. So here goes on the 7 things and I will post the 7 recipients below.

1. I got married at 19 and am approaching my 9 year wedding annivesary.  I love my husband, but don’t recommend getting married at 19!

This was us in York, England – I was 18!

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2. My dog is  Rhodesian Ridgeback mix.  She’s massive and she’s awesome.  I’ve never loved another dog like I do her – I always just thought I was a “cat person” (I am) but I guess it just took the coolest dog to come along.  When people were nutso over their dogs I just didn’t get it – I do now!  – She has a permanent mohawk down her back   She’s so fierce!

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3. I live in Colorado, I love it and I hate it.  I have a saying about Colorado – It’s cold, it’s was just cold, or it’s about to be cold.  (But when it’s hot, boy, it’s HOT!)

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4. I lived in Japan for almost seven years during my “formative” years – and still miss it very much.  I have dreamed of going for my 30th, but I still haven’t started saving up – haha

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5. I had paranormal activity in my house for a prolonged period in 2008.  I never would have thought it would happen to me.  Sorry if you think I’m crazy, but you don’t know until it happens to you.

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6. I watch music videos, or at least have them on for at least an hour a day.  I also dance to them and try to learn the choreography – haha!  What a sight that must be.  Good exercise, though!

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7. I play the piano and the tenor saxophone!  But piano mostly – it’s been a while on sax!  It’s a bit loud for my kids… pets… neighbors…

and seven beauties

1.  Beth at Fatbuster

2.  Tammy at Tammy’s Tale

3.  Carissa at Have you seen my weight?

4.  Kat at Secrets to Losing 100 lbs

5.  Jenn at Watch My Butt Shrink

6.  Solace at Reduced To Ashes

7. Kim at Wishful Shrinking

TOM – ouch.

Moving on.  Had an off-plan weekend, but feeling really ready to get back on track this week – and make it through next weekend too!  However, I was talking to one of my friends and she was like – maybe instead of worrying about calories and weight loss, maybe our goal for this week should be being mindful of …. corn syrup!  And sugar in general. Because we’re both addicted!

Also, I’m just really really wanting this.  I was over at Carissa’s blog, and homegirl hit 199!!!  Onederlad – da da da dahhh!!!  Congratulations, woman!  You deserve it and are looking fabulosity!

Alright, yes, it’s a quickie post but I’ve got a busy day ahead!  Keep up the good work people!

for why I’m still overweight.

Sure, there are tons of emotional, deep reasons why I eat for comfort – but I’m going to keep with the feeling I’m at right now.  It’s the number one reason why I give in and over eat – every single day (but. not. today.).  This feeling.  This feeling, the struggle, the deep desire – my body is going CRAZY right now for sugar, carbs, starch, salt – heck, anything indulgent, I feel like I NEED it.  Yes, sugar is addictive and these withdrawls are real.

I eat pancakes… maybe twice a year – if that!  They’re not my thing.  But guess what I want today?  You guessed it.  I want big fluffy, heavy pancakes with butter and lots of syrup – and oh em gee, i probably shouldnt have even typed that “out loud” because the desire just intensified!  But my body seriously is saying – you need to have what you’re used to having and pancakes is what you need!

I went grocery shopping today and I was really surprised by my body’s reaction to the foods it saw, and of course, wanted.  My mouth was actually watering!  Could have been embarassing!   My give-up mentality kicked in and I put many things into my cart – only to take every ounce of strength I had to remove them again.  I did this over and over again!  Eventually I left with just two NONOs.  I’m glad I didnt have more, but I’m still bummed that they’re in my house… taunting me.  I could donate the food to my kid’s school… we’ll see if it gets there.  But because I was hungry, I am now having some soup with a slice of toast. Its helping a lot.

It’s scary.  I was on the phone with a friend of mine.  I texted her while I was in the grocery store – and when I got home, she called saying “PUT DOWN THE PANCAKES!!!!”  She was too late, they are here.  However, they are NOT made and she helped THAT happen for sure!  But I talked to her about this long journey and since she is doing the pool with me, she said today she realized, as if we didnt know before, but it’s hit us for real like a mac truck, this isn’t going to be easy.  Because we want to stay this way, not give in every other day or everyday at the end of the day. Quieting the voice that tells me each and every day if I don’t eat, I will starve because every bit of peice is going to disappear from the planet.

Bah!  The things that pass through my head each day as I try to continue to make good choices.  It’s overwhelming and so complex and yet so simple – but it feels like sooo much.  Anyway, my reason for typing this was to just get it out – figure it out – help the insano cravings to pass… and they haven’t… but it’s not screaming so loudly.

Must. think. of. summer.  that works for me, so I’m working with it…

Oh and like my phone-friend said, “What do you want more… pancakes, or hotness?”

And she’s so right.  Hotness. haha and if vanity is getting me through the day and away from the pancakes – so be it.

So, I started that pool with my friends – where we all put some moolah in and one of us will win the stash each month.  Good stuff.  Well, it was mildly helping the past few days.  I was cutting back a little and making better choices, woohoo – but I wasn’t doing “great” – it was “stay the same weight” behavior – not gain or lose.  However, this morning upon talking to two of the other gals… they are doing so well – and now I feel a motor behind me!  It’s on!!

Also, while reading Jenn’s blog, I saw her posting her daily menus. Although I’m not sure, someone suggested that she had used Sparkpeople to document her eating, so I’m going to try to do the same!  We shall see how that goes.  I have been doing well today – however, I just went into the fridge to get a drink for the kids and I spotted ONE last peice of “better than sex” cake… sigh… My mouth actually watered and I had to slam the door shut because my mind was already reaching for a fork.  It’s amazing how quickly that happens.  Like Jasper, when Bella got a papercut…

Yep, a Twilight reference, let’s move on…

Anywho, I thought about throwing it into the trash to save myself – but then I remember last time I did that hubman was bummed – so i will force him to eat it tonight, because I’ll only fight the urge for today and today only!!  And I’m gonna have to move it into the garage fridge because it still calls me.

Will update soon!  Right now I’m having fun on polyvore!  Woohooo!