Sugar Shakes

for why I’m still overweight.

Sure, there are tons of emotional, deep reasons why I eat for comfort – but I’m going to keep with the feeling I’m at right now.  It’s the number one reason why I give in and over eat – every single day (but. not. today.).  This feeling.  This feeling, the struggle, the deep desire – my body is going CRAZY right now for sugar, carbs, starch, salt – heck, anything indulgent, I feel like I NEED it.  Yes, sugar is addictive and these withdrawls are real.

I eat pancakes… maybe twice a year – if that!  They’re not my thing.  But guess what I want today?  You guessed it.  I want big fluffy, heavy pancakes with butter and lots of syrup – and oh em gee, i probably shouldnt have even typed that “out loud” because the desire just intensified!  But my body seriously is saying – you need to have what you’re used to having and pancakes is what you need!

I went grocery shopping today and I was really surprised by my body’s reaction to the foods it saw, and of course, wanted.  My mouth was actually watering!  Could have been embarassing!   My give-up mentality kicked in and I put many things into my cart – only to take every ounce of strength I had to remove them again.  I did this over and over again!  Eventually I left with just two NONOs.  I’m glad I didnt have more, but I’m still bummed that they’re in my house… taunting me.  I could donate the food to my kid’s school… we’ll see if it gets there.  But because I was hungry, I am now having some soup with a slice of toast. Its helping a lot.

It’s scary.  I was on the phone with a friend of mine.  I texted her while I was in the grocery store – and when I got home, she called saying “PUT DOWN THE PANCAKES!!!!”  She was too late, they are here.  However, they are NOT made and she helped THAT happen for sure!  But I talked to her about this long journey and since she is doing the pool with me, she said today she realized, as if we didnt know before, but it’s hit us for real like a mac truck, this isn’t going to be easy.  Because we want to stay this way, not give in every other day or everyday at the end of the day. Quieting the voice that tells me each and every day if I don’t eat, I will starve because every bit of peice is going to disappear from the planet.

Bah!  The things that pass through my head each day as I try to continue to make good choices.  It’s overwhelming and so complex and yet so simple – but it feels like sooo much.  Anyway, my reason for typing this was to just get it out – figure it out – help the insano cravings to pass… and they haven’t… but it’s not screaming so loudly.

Must. think. of. summer.  that works for me, so I’m working with it…

Oh and like my phone-friend said, “What do you want more… pancakes, or hotness?”

And she’s so right.  Hotness. haha and if vanity is getting me through the day and away from the pancakes – so be it.