Recent thoughts and being found

So, I logged on to wordpress today to find out one of my weight loss counselors has found my blog!  Odd and a bit unnerving.  I feel like I can’t be as open with my thoughts as my blog, even though public, only a couple friends know about it.  I don’t want other people who don’t undersatnd me to bring up those deep struggles and issues into everyday conversation if you know what I mean.  Only people who already know about them or can relate.   But I guess having a public blog, it happens and I’m just gonna keep putting it out there.  What I can say to them is, don’t worry about me – just know I’ll get it in my own time,as long as it takes for me to get all aspects of ME in line.  Anyway, yeah – moving on…

I went to the weight loss center yesterday after not having gone for months, it seems.  The reason being, I didn’t see the point in going when I knew about myself, that I might go, but then I’d return home and continue my same behavior.  I guess I wasn’t ready, or just not willing to make changes.  Yeah, that’s part of it – not ready, not willing, not wanting enough apparently.  I know I’ve mentioned this before, but again I started going and looking into lapband surgery.  I’ve been considering weight loss surgery for nearly 8 years now, doing my own research, talking to my family, looking into my insurance – but I never wanted to go through with it.

Recently, though, I decided to move even further and put it on my radar – put it in my near future – like 3-6 months in front of me because I didn’t want to find myself a year from now in the same place, maybe worse.  However, after doing further and further research, of course, like all the other times I found myself turned off by it.

Coley voice one:  I don’t want to be limited!

Coley voice two, looking herself up and down:  That’s obvious.

I didn’t know what to do.  I met with my doctor and asked him if he had anything else I could try before I moved forward with that.  He suggested his own weight loss plan.  That, however, would cost me more.  I talked to hubman about it and he mentioned, although always supportive, how we already plonked down a wad-o-cash for the most recent plan I had tried.  I felt so guilty.  I knew that was coming, and yeah, I already felt like a complete failure – but yeah, he had a right to say it.

I decided to call Slimgenics and see how many weeks I had left before I invested in my docs plan.  I thought that I had about a month left in my plan.  I called and was surprised to find I actually had like 29 weeks left!  This was a shock and I figured – alright, I know the program, we have prepaid time there left… give it another go?  It doesnt’ end there with money, though, I need to refill some of my required snacks pretty soon (cha-ching), so it was a hard decision to make to walk back into the building.

I warned the girl that would weigh me in that i had gained a ton – I didnt want to see her look of shock at the number on the scale.  My look of shock appallment was on my face, or at least behind it, in my mind – I didnt know i had gotten that high.  Man oh man.  She didnt seem shocked… yet, not until she took a look at my records and how low I had gotten and the jump UP I had maid.  She was definitely surprised then.  That totally sucked, but yeah, whatever, you can only move forward, right?

We did some chatting.  Of course the plan is based on disciplined, healthy eating.  I know by following the plan I would once again drop weight and feel amaaaaazing… that is, after the initial complete PAIN of moving past my starch/sugar/carb addiction.  That being said, looking at one of the pre-planned week suggestions, I just stared like a zombie at the eating plan – it seemed soooo imposssssible!  By seeing the lack of sugar/carbs/starch I already could feel the weakness and the way my body would feel – calling out for my fix!

When she suggested I have cut-up celery ready to reach for at any time, like when I watch a movie in theevening, I stood still, nodding and listening – when I really wanted to be a whiny, naysaying teenager and pretend to retch.  I knew it was all wonderful-for-you stuff, but my addiction was going to have another attitude about it, for at least the first few weeks, and first few days to the max!  My only other idea to get through this was to keep INCREDIBLY BUSY!

So, here I am – back on Slimgenics – or at least I’m on day one.  (again) But it’s all I have right now.  I can’t control myself with my magnetic draw towards bread and sugar, so to be honest, a diet of moderation isn’t going to do it for me right now, maybe in the future when my body and habits don’t scream so loudly – maybe someday, which right now feels so unlikely.