I’ve been feeling a bit more positive lately, which is definitely nice.  There are things in my life that are going better than ever, which is so exciting and i feel so blessed.  Especially since this part of my life – the weight, the issues, the emotions of my own stuff – are having such a hard time.  I’m so thankful that I’ve got the balance there, otherwise who knows where I may have let myself fall to.

But I’m back here to check on your blogs, root you on and hope you can keep doing the same for me!  I appreciate all of you who check on me from time to time, it means a lot not to feel given up on or forgotten even though I tend to do it to myself a lot.  So, THANK YOU

I’m not sure what’s coming for me, but there is a little  smile, that is curiously looking forward to it… and to also see what I can make happen for myself!

That’s how I’ve been feeling, my title above.  I’ve felt like I’m almost untouchable inside myself.  And another part of me is working to pull myself out of this place.  It’s not that I’m feeling completely gloomy or anything (the sunshine finally breaking through the skies helps lift me especially) but when it comes to where I’m at in my soul, my weight, my emotions, my past, my addictions, my habits – Ive felt like that’s almost separate from myself.

It’s so important for me to keep up with YOU guys.  I checked on many of your blogs today and already it’s got my mind really, really wanting to join you again in fighting the good fight.  It’s not that I’m NOT doing it, but it’s slow going…

Anyway, reading your blogs woke me up a bit, shook me up a bit.  Reminded me that this is a journey, not a race.  There are bends in the road… but that doesn’t mean I’m not moving forward!

The title, btw, was an excerpt from a sonnet by Hartley Cooleridge.  I was introduced to it by one of my favorite movies “Sense and Sensibility” – ahhh.  Even if you’re not into period films – I’m not always, this one really touched me – love it!

…a new feeling of hope.

It’s not like I’m rarin’ to go and get back on track, lose weight and stuff – but there is a new awareness, a new hope inside of me.  I’m going to continue on this journey, but allow myself to take it slower.  Make small changes, slowly and over time with the plan that it will make them more permanent changes, so that with each new habit I bring forth, it will be easier – not so many things at once.  I know this will be the key for long-lasting success.
I had my appt with the new counselor on Sunday morning.  It was difficult, actually.  She is really wonderful and perfect for this need, I think.  Very supportive and understanding.  That being said, she is also action based, which is exciting for me.  I will have to see her every couple of weeks as it’s all out of pocket to pay for.  Thing is, she wants me to stop focusing on losing weight for a month or two.  This is hard for me since with Slimgenics, you prepay for your time and if I ‘take this break’ to work from the inside, out, then I will be losing the time I’ve already paid for with Slimgenics.  That being said, I completely see where she’s coming from. While we work on the inside stuff, the behaviors will be easier for me to follow, to commit to, it won’t be this constant drowning feeling that I tend to have the past several months (or my whole life) when it comes to weight loss.  At least, that is our goal.

Anywho, things from my past that have beeh haunting me for years, have suddenly taken a more direct approach.  They’ve been shouting and refusing to be ignored and pushed down – so now is the time to take them head on so that I can finally move forward.

Move forward into growth, or backward into safety.

~ Abraham Maslow

I contacted an addictions and eating disorders counselor today.  She doesnt take insrance, so this wont be cheap.  But yknow what, Im gonna go to one meeting with her – what’s the harm, eh.  Fingers crossed i get closer to figuring my shit out and stop letting it hold me down over and over again.

I’m sick again.  This is SO strange.  I’ve been getting sick quite often the past year and that is SOOOO unlike me.  I used to get sick about ONCE a year – maybe twice, and if I did, it last one DAY and wasn’t that bad – I’d still be fine to do normal stuff.  And maybe every other year I’d get so sick that hubman would have to take one day off of work to help me.  But the past several months, sick sick sick.  I’m home alone, so hubman isn’t staying, but with the new job he doens’t really have the option to.  But I don’t understand why I get sick so often now?  I take a multi-vitamin, I started taking it regularly about a month ago – so I didn’t expect this already.  Maybe it has something to do that this is the first school year where both my girls are in school?  Even though one goes MWF and the other T/Th?  Anyway, so yeah, I’m sick.

My throat hurts really badly and I can’t breathe well, not to mention I have that Labyrithitis again, which is SOOO difficult to just be awake with, let alone manage a house and kids.  UGH!   So bleh, sorry I’m whinging, but my biggest worry is that I’m off with my eating and today going to try hard to get back on track but as you all know, those “first days back” are so darn tough.

How did your Valentine’s day go?  Mine was lovely (other than being sickish, of course)  I’m so happy to say it was lovely, too, because I’ve had many not-so-lovely ones the past few years.  5 and 4 years ago, hubman and I were in a not-so-lovely part of our relationship, so they were just ok.  Three years ago, we had just separated only two weeks before – so NOT good at all.  Last year, he had JUST moved back in and I had a hard time being in the same room as him, it just felt so unnatural to share the house again with someone who I felt I had been in a war with the previous year.  And after all the hard work we’ve put into it, patience, perseverance and all those things that marriage takes – I’m so, so proud and pleased to say I had a great Valentine’s day!

Hubman got me Super Mario World, the new on for the Wii – mostly for me and my 5 year old, as she always wants to play a game with me but her little video games are one players – this should be interesting – ha!  And he also got me those really ugly looking Sketchers shoes with the round bottoms.  Yes, Yes, I know, they’re so WEIRD looking.  However, I was doing some reading as to why I saw so many women wearing them and what the big deal was that they’d put aside how strange looking they were?  And I was really intrigued to read that it helped many of them with back pain.  I’ve been having so much back pain that we’ve been looking into a new mattress, I’ve been putting so much effort everyday into paying attention to my posture as well.  So, he was able to find those things in my size (they only came in the style – extra ugly since I wear a hard-to-find size) but I was amazed when I put them on how much impact, pressure and weight they take off of your spine  when you walk, it’s like the pressure is put more on your arch, but so evenly that it doesn’t hurt there either, and immediately my back felt “cured” – although we’ll see the long term impact of them, because my back still hurt when I took them off.  Also, though, they’re called “Shape-Ups” because they’re supposed to work-out your legs and butt.  I don’t know if I’ll see any difference, but I do notice a slight tension in my butt when I walk, but mostly I notice my calves burning after a while – it’s not so obvious that it feels like a strenuous workout, but you do notice the difference.  Anyway, I do recommend them at this point – but I sure wish they came in more styles in my big ol’ size!  The photo to the right are NOT the ones I have, but mine are all white, and so a photo of them pretty much looks like a photo of nothing, they blend in with the background, lol.

Anyway, maybe after a month or so, I can give a review of them

Okay!  So, that’s about it – had a great Valentine’s day, and other than being sick, am in good spirits

How are YOU?

Huzzah!  A loss from last week, good stuff!

Of course I am  happy with the loss, however there is a part of me that is like – blurgh!  Because I could have done better, but I can’t be mad at that – I just have to realize it was a success!  So, shoosh Coley on having to find the pooh in everything!!

I am pleased with the loss and heck, I’d be lucky to have that loss each week.  My concern has been that I’ve been working SO. HARD. and then on the evening I inhale whatever is in sight – even when I’m not hungry, I do it (so I realized last night).  Last night, I started to nosh on hershey’s kisses, the potty-rewards for my youngest.  I bought them knowing I do NOT like Hersheys. They’ve been there for months and of course now I start to poke at them.  So, I had several last night and I was like – alright, I feel satisfied now, I don’t need anything else.  Then I baked cookies, at FOUR of them and inhaled a slice of cherry pie (that I dont even care for cherry pie and its been sitting in the fridge for a while now, slowly being pecked at by my husband.)  I purposely got cherry pie because I don’t care for cherries.  So, what this what meant to say was – even when Im not interested in the things in my house, I find myself inhaling them at night – and practically undoing the HARD work and incredible food choices that I have been making each day.  SO, I’m lucky that I lost weight – however, Im actually up from last Friday – sigh!

I really want to continue this week STRONG, and of course i want to continue forever strong.  Something I am also celebrating other than my lovely weight loss, is the fact that my mind and resolve is still strong and I believe, strengthening – even when it takes a dip each day (yes, each day) I’m still here – and honestly, that’s something to be happy about

I was watching Oprah a week or so ago when they had a show on based around that movie “Food Inc“.  Where they talked about so much of the “food” eaten in nearly all households shouldn’t even really be called food – more like, “food-like substances”.  I think that was the term he used.

He’s so right.  Of course this isn’t a new concept, but lately I’ve been “getting it” more than before.  Being back on the program, pretty much all the foods I eat have an expiration date, a very quick one.  And that’s what they say, eat food that rots. LOL.  We stay away from boxed and canned foods, for instance.  That being said – I’m not perfect of course, and I eat other things.  Yesterday I noshed on something a bit before looking at it and was thinking “What IS this… it will do NOTHING for me, just go through.”  It’s only purpose is taste, really.  My body will deal with my decision to put it in my mouth and churn it through, like the faithful machine that it is.

Yesterday, I ate off track.  I didn’t want to because the night before I had my “indulgent meal”.  So, instead of an entire splurge day, I wanted to keep it to just one meal per week.  Then when I cohosted that party, there were finger foods flying left and right which caused my new resolve to fly straight out the window.  My body was really irritated with me.  It bubbled and churned all night and I looked SO bloated before I went to bed, too.  Weird!

I’m looking forward to eating well again today.  That being said, I’m frustrated that my family has planned this BBQ today (despite SNOW outside) – because my bro and sis-in-law are coming into town to pick up their kids who have been at my moms for the weekend.  I so wish my family was the type who’d spend time with a hike instead… but I know this is a common thing – and how could I ever get them to think differently about it?  Most people celebrate togetherness with food – but it seems to be the only way my family does.  For my birthday, I told everyone I wanted to go bowling instead.  We all had so much fun!  But haven’t done an active thing since (unless it’s after the load of food, LOL)

Sigh, oh well.  I’m going to have to learn to navigate these days if I’m going to have permanent success.  So, even though my body is back on the sugar cravings, I’m going to bring my food to the get together today and try try try to survive it well.

If you want to enter, too, be quick about it – she just twittered that she’s gonna shower and then pick a name!!

What am I talking about?  I’m in a race against time to enter TJ’s giveway!!!

I hope I’m not too late, we shall see!  If I am, I’m happy to have found her blog, regardless, looks like there is a ton of good know-how there, not to mention she’s had such admirable, inspiring success!  SO go check her out, too   Unless you already knew about her, of course.  I seem to be one of the last in the know!

Alrighhhht – I also figured in the light of this contest I should learn more about Twitter- Im the last person THERE, too!

Wasn’t my salad cute.

So, weird, yeah, scary salad.  I was pacing around the kitchen wondering what to eat.  I knew I needed something heathy but I didn’t see anything that looked remotely tolerable (yes, I am just that dramatic in my mind).  Not to mention my house has temptation around all corners (yes, I hear you, my lovely readers, telling me to purge my house of these evil sirens that call me to their rocky shores!)  However, they are still there, for now.

I reminded myself how much work I’ve done so far, and how hard it was just to pull through yesterday.  That deserved me to be strong once more and serve myself.. remind myself how great I’d feel in the long run – I need to be happy with that more than the immediate gratification that I seek.

As I cut up my veggies and chopped my baked chicken, plopped down some greek yogurt and a bit of salsa… I felt a little bit of a thrill.  I was naughty.  Me and my naughty salad.  We were going against the grain.  We were REBELS against my old self, we were doing something different… we were moving forward despite all other things…

And my naughty salad scared me.  I felt surprised by my own resolve.  In the past I’ve often gotten through with a lot of help from others – hubman making dinners for me, not having many other options… but this time I have many options and yet I still haven’t reached for them.  It was scary to feel like, now that I’m working hard – if when I fall, will I fall further and harder… will it hurt me even more?  Will it be harder to get back up because of the history of my negative self talk and low expectations of myself when it comes to this issue?

It’s scary.  Sounds odd, Iknow, but if its true for me – it must be true for some of you others out there.  I feel almost like – you’ve gone this far, and you’ve struggled and held on – you can’t be a pu**y now!!  Dont tap out!

The salad scared me because meal after meal, I’m surprising myself with these exceptional choices and it feels so, so strange.  Exciting, but strange and I’m right now so scared of the fall – but trying to trust the process – be scared – but keep going anyway.

Don’tcha just love that first week weigh-in business?  How you drop so much, so quickly?  I know it’s not gonna stay that way, but it is satisfying since that first week is SO tough to hold on and not fall back into bad habits for “just one more day” I haven’t done update photos in ages, but that’s obviously because I gained a whole bunch back.  After I get down lower than 277 (my last photo update), I’ll post again.

So, I am anxious to get out of the 280′s, so I’m looking forward to giving this week my all!