I keep coming here and typing out whole posts and then just keeping them as drafts.  Had a tough time with someone very close to me recently and it’s got me all in a jumble.  But don’t forget me – I’ll update for real soon

It feels like I’ve always been fat.  And certainly for most of my life it’s true – I’ve always been overweight, is the better term.  I’ve been obese, though, for the past 10 years, thought, so I can;t even REMEMBER the “just overweight” days.

I know a lot of people want to “get back” to a certain weight when they felt great and felt great about themselves.  I never knew what that was like.  I even though, maybe if I had “thin days” then I could aim to “go back” to those.  But these days sometimes I feel like WHY am I denying myself this or that, WHY am I sweating and huffing and puffing – being thinner is a myth for me… everyone can do it but me… for me, THIS is my size, no other options.  It was like imagining a different color that no one has ever seen – can’t imagine it, right?  I explained it to hubby, it was as if when we has doing his pull ups in the bathroom door where his pull up bar occasionally hangs, can he do those pull-ups and imagine the guy on the front cover of Muscle & Fitness?

“No, not at all.”

Exactly my point.  Sometimes even though I KNOW I’m working towards health and fitness and feeling better – I can’t visualize it – it’s like a fantasy.

THEN…

Then today I got a notification on facebook.  Someone from high school has tagged a photo of me.  I wonder what it is?

“A photo of me from the reunion?” I think to myself.  Oh no, I’m tagged, I hope I don’t look fat!

In fact, I don’t look fat… AT ALL.  He’s scanned a posted a photo of me… from high school.  I had never seen this photo before as I have very, very few from those days – before digital photos were all mainstream.  I was just… shocked.  And immediately I wanted to curse my exboyfriend, my boyfriend at the time, who was always wondering WHEN was I going to lose weight, and so he made me extremely conscious about how BIG I was.  This… is what I thought was fat.

I’m thinking I was anywhere between 190-210 here, and about a size 14. (I’m 5’11″)

So, I showed my friend and she asked “Do you think it will motivate you?”  At first I thought, oh yeah definitely, but then as I thought further, I thought – probably not.  I feel like that was never me, I feel like it was another life, even.  Maybe I need to do more visualizing or something.

Thing is, it’s not like that weight is unattainable.  I’m not one of those people who wants to get to my high school weight of 118, LOL.  This is doable… but I have to BELIEVE it within myself.. thats a huge part of it…

right?

EDIT!!!  I do NOT want to weigh 118!! No, no, no! lol, what I meant was – I’m not aiming for some ridiculous weight (in my head, is 118 lol) – I’ve never been 118… at least not since I was under 9 years old!!

Melh.  I hit a NEW LOW!  Don’t get ready to congrats me – that really means the opposite – I’m gaining weight like a eatin’ fool.

Yesterday, my parents (hurray for moving back to the states!) took both my children for the day which meant that hubman and I got a rare day together to hang out!  We decided to drive out of town, not far, to another really great little city and walk their downtown which is so lovely and it was a gorgeous, sunny day as well.

Before doing our walk, we were both hungry and leaving lunch too late, so we popped into a cute pub and got lunch.  Um.  Yum.  Oh yeah… yum.

Afterwards, we got our dog and started walking around and enjoying the area and the weather.

Ahem.  I know what’s the new IN thing for summer.  You wanna know?

BOOTY SHORTS.  DAISY DUKES.  It wasn’t THAT warm out, but every other girl walking around had the shortest of short denims on, with sweaters and boots even… but no matter what – booty shorts everywhere!

I felt really bummed.  Not because I want to wear daisy dukes, but it reminded me that my beloved favorite season – SUMMER – is around the corner, but I’m existing in this warm Spring day in jeans and a hoodie… and unless I take action, the PROMISE I made myself last summer – that I woudln’t spend another summer completely covered up in the HEAT – that promise will be trashed.  Do I have no respect for myself and no trust in my own word?  I told myself it wouldn’t be the same this summer – and it will be exactly the same if not worse unless I make changes TODAY.

—– EDIT::  Sorry, I had a whine session earlier today – sorry to those of you who stumbled upon it!

I was recently contacted by some nice people over at ichange.com.  They invited me to learn more about their site and what they offer.  It’s a weight loss/support site and to be honest, I don’t know much more at this point.  However, they’re offering 30 days free to my readers if you’d like to check things out with me.  I figured it won’t hurt me to try out something new.  So I thought I’d share this link with you since it’s time sensitive. Click here to learn more:  Sugarshakes group at ichange.com

I will let you know more about it as I learn more.  It’s a new program, new site, so I’m eager to check things out.  Anything out there that offers support and assistant for a healthful way of life is good in my book!

So, I was talking to hubby about HOW to I keep myself accountable with my eating?  I thought about joining WW, but we’re in the process of finding ways to cut our expenses, so I didn’t need to have another bill.  Also with having stopped (again) the other program I was on, I’m just wondering how do I get that accountability to myself back?

I mean, I started out this morning eating well.  Then as I cleaned the kitchen, I reached for some cookies and as I was doing that I thought, “Hey!  What am I doing?  I don’t need these!”  So, I put them back quickly.  But it’s strange, it didn’t even occur to me before reaching them.  So, hubby google chatted me during a rare nonbusy moment at work and said “I can weigh you weekly.”

When i read that, I stared at the computer like this:

I don’t want to cause trouble or drama between hubman and I.  I don’t know if this is a good idea to have him weigh me in.  I already feel scared having him SEE the number.  He knows I weigh about what I do – but actually seeing it – I’m sceeered.  That all being said, it DOES get me feeling like I want to work at this…

Should I let him do my weigh-ins?  Or does that sound like bad news bears?

It’s so neat!  I opened this to write a new post and as I sat to write that,at the exact same time, a beam of sunshine broke through the clouds and warmed my back through the window behind me.  I’m still smiling about it now.

Jenn bestowed upon me, The Sunshine Award. Thanks Jenn!!

I got a new AWARD!! I love it! I feel so beloveddd! Really,we bloggers just jot down our random thoughts and feelings so much to help us organize our own frazzled thoughts – but to know that people out there care to read what you put out there, and give you things like cute little awards – it means SO much Thanks to everyone, btw. I’m going to pass this award on to just a few sunshiney people – I seriously need to update my blogroll so I can easily remember everyone during times like this.  I wanted to give more out, but many of you have already gotten this award:

Have you seen my Weight?

Fat Buster

Tammy’s Tale

Doing a 180

Plumptious

So, another topic. I went to see my counselor on Sunday and she is just so awesome.  I hadn’t seen her for three weeks and I wish I could see her more often, but alas, moolah stuff.  So, I left feeling like I got “a lot done”.  She was cute because she said “You worked hard today” and it’s so true, I did.  I am starting to realize SO MUCH more about myself.  I am SO HARD on myself, so so hard to the point it’s almost paralyzing.  Her saying I worked hard that day, made me feel embarassed.  I wanted to say, I didn’t do anything.  But that’s a lie, I did do a lot – I did a lot of ‘work’ in that session and it’s okay to be positive about yourself and not constantly focus on what you need to improve.  One of my favorite sayings, “You see mainly what you look for.”  I must start to look for very different things in my life, I must!  She told me, and I already knew it, but it’s more true and real than I had let myself consider before – this is SOOOO not just about food, not even close about the weight – allll just a symptom of so many other things, and I have to work on those things.  I need to be KIND to myself, my body and my soul – and doing that will help me get my weight in line.  Anyway, so yeah, that’s how that went.  I’m excited for the next few weeks, see what else I learn, what else I see.

It also brings me to this book that had an excerpt in this month’s O magazine.  A book called, “Women, Food and God” – has anyone out there read it before?  I’m going to …. okay, I was going to get it from the library.  Alas, everything mentioned in O Magazine sends women into frenzies, so there are 20 holds on one copy of the book.  I guess I’ll be buying! lol  It would be a worthy read, I feel, even if you’re not religious.  From the part I read in O Magazine, it was highly relatable and really gets you thinking deeplly about things that you only had seen on the surface.  I’ll tell you more when I get my fingers on the book!

Hey all!  Just letting you know I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth – because I know you totally thought that, since the earth is flat and all, it’s possible for us all – watch out!  But I’m ALSO NOT hiding and eating in denial… I’m eating and completely doing it in the open and am not in denial.  I almost wish I was, then it woudln’t feel so shameful.  Sigh!

Alas, never give up on the COLEY ONE!  Just like the evil looking cat to the left, I could still surprise ya (and myself for that matter…)

I’m sick AGAIN.  I’ve got a terrible case of strep, AND pink eye in one eye.  My 5yo also had double pink eye.  Seriously, I used to get sick a couple times a year – and both times were no biggie and NOW?  I feel like I’m never completely well!  People have told me that it’s the fact that I have two children in school this year – although both of them arent in full time.  My mom thinks maybe our house has mold or something – we live in a dry climate and our house is 8 years old, but now I’m starting to believe her because we’re always sick!  I don’t know what to think, but I can’t possibly live like this!  Agh!!

Anyway, over the weekend I was completely useless, so much so that I ended up staying at my moms so she could help with the kids.  I am on meds but don’t feel like my throat got the memo, it’s painful to swallow, I can’t sleep… ugh.  Anyway, weight loss is again, low on my list – I just want to be able to function!  Anyway, I haven’t weighed myself in a while, but I am dealing with some new issues with self esteem.

Weird.  This blog is so not a weight blog, it’s just a “What’s happening in Coley’s head NOW?” haha… I’ll have to chat about that soonish, but it’s ugh, not a good thing.  Anywho – I’m doing alright, though!  Just learning more about myself, and that means my weaknesses, all the time – gotta strengthen those – it’s all part of the living, growing process that is getting to be the best me, right?

I’ve had Bob Greene’s “Best Life Diet” book for a while now.  Picking it up here and there.  I never went through with the plan because I felt it was too slow going, too gradual – not RESULTS IMMEDIATELY based.  Ha.  If only I started back then… but enough of that!  Since my youngest has been in tumbling, while my oldest is in school – I’ve been bringing the book with me for the one-per-week 30 minutes I have completely alone (well, except for the other loud mothers talking about banal and facile things) – I’ve been able to get through a lot of the book and yeah, it’s been making me think and BELIEVE that gradual is the way to go – and if it’s for anyone, it’s for ME.
So, right now I’m on stage one of the Best Life Diet… kind of.  I don’t know if I’m going to stick with it’s eating plan, I’ll see as I get into it.  However, month one on the plan is pretty much no diet change – it’s exercise, not eating late, eating breakfast, drinking lots of water and that’s about it.  I’ll pick up the book and let you know exactly – but it’s in the car right now.  But these changes are changes I CAN make.  I’m comfortable with making them now.  They’re not too overwhelming.  Yesterday, I went to the gym – it’s been a while since I had gone and it felt GREAT to be there.  I walked 1.25 miles.  Not very far, but it got me moving and felt good.  I rewarded my soul with a sit down in the eucalyptus steam room and a shower – uninterupted by my own children, since I was at the gym – haha.  That felt REALLY great, I must say – just having time to myself without rushing around and hearing my kids fight.  My youngest was in school, my oldest in the child center – which I’m so happy is incredible because my kids like to go – so I don’t have too much momguilt about leaving them there.  It was great!

The rest of the day, I chose water over other drinks and limited myself to one diet soda – which eventually I will cut down to very ocassionally, but for now, these baby steps are working for me – and making me feel like less of a complete failure and that does wonders for the soul, too.

Today, after coming back from dropping my oldest at school, I put the 3yo on her bike and we took the dog for a walk in the sunshine – SUCH a wonderful break from all the grey, snow and drear we’ve been having since SEPTEMBER, it seems.  So, yay, I got in a few more steps.  I’m still planning on getting to the gym today – so that will make me really smile.

SO yeah, that’s what I’m up to – gradual approach.  I’m hoping this gradual approach and breaking away from “everything is failure if not perfection” will do me a lot of good.  Because maybe it will become easy, habit even, so when I introduce other life changes, it won’t be so overwhelming!

I stumbled upon this excerpt today:

“A Buddhist principle is that all suffering is in the mind. I pondered this concept: beauty suffering is grounded in the mind. If I eliminate or change what I think about and focus on, then it follows that I can end my suffering and struggle with my body. My body is not the root of my suffering, my mind is. And equally, my body is not the root of my happiness, my mind is.

{Let that sink in a moment}

It’s all within, and it is all about YOU“

That is an excerpt from Steph’s blog, Back in Skinny Jeans.

I have only stumbled upon her blog today, but I’m eager to read more

Because reading that alone, not that I didn’t know it already, the simplicity of the statement really helps me.

Even though what I have going on doesn’t feel simple, and it will need time and help working out the kinks – it is what it is and I need to move forward and not bring everything to a halt while I work on the stuff.  So yeah, had to share that – it meant a lot to me and a great way to start my day!