It feels like I’ve always been fat. And certainly for most of my life it’s true – I’ve always been overweight, is the better term. I’ve been obese, though, for the past 10 years, thought, so I can;t even REMEMBER the “just overweight” days.
I know a lot of people want to “get back” to a certain weight when they felt great and felt great about themselves. I never knew what that was like. I even though, maybe if I had “thin days” then I could aim to “go back” to those. But these days sometimes I feel like WHY am I denying myself this or that, WHY am I sweating and huffing and puffing – being thinner is a myth for me… everyone can do it but me… for me, THIS is my size, no other options. It was like imagining a different color that no one has ever seen – can’t imagine it, right? I explained it to hubby, it was as if when we has doing his pull ups in the bathroom door where his pull up bar occasionally hangs, can he do those pull-ups and imagine the guy on the front cover of Muscle & Fitness?
“No, not at all.”
Exactly my point. Sometimes even though I KNOW I’m working towards health and fitness and feeling better – I can’t visualize it – it’s like a fantasy.
THEN…
Then today I got a notification on facebook. Someone from high school has tagged a photo of me. I wonder what it is?
“A photo of me from the reunion?” I think to myself. Oh no, I’m tagged, I hope I don’t look fat!
In fact, I don’t look fat… AT ALL. He’s scanned a posted a photo of me… from high school. I had never seen this photo before as I have very, very few from those days – before digital photos were all mainstream. I was just… shocked. And immediately I wanted to curse my exboyfriend, my boyfriend at the time, who was always wondering WHEN was I going to lose weight, and so he made me extremely conscious about how BIG I was. This… is what I thought was fat.
I’m thinking I was anywhere between 190-210 here, and about a size 14. (I’m 5’11″)
So, I showed my friend and she asked “Do you think it will motivate you?” At first I thought, oh yeah definitely, but then as I thought further, I thought – probably not. I feel like that was never me, I feel like it was another life, even. Maybe I need to do more visualizing or something.
Thing is, it’s not like that weight is unattainable. I’m not one of those people who wants to get to my high school weight of 118, LOL. This is doable… but I have to BELIEVE it within myself.. thats a huge part of it…
right?
EDIT!!! I do NOT want to weigh 118!! No, no, no! lol, what I meant was – I’m not aiming for some ridiculous weight (in my head, is 118 lol) – I’ve never been 118… at least not since I was under 9 years old!!
Look how cute you were!
If anything, this picture should show you that you don’t have to be 150 pounds to like what you see.
BUT – why not just work toward eating healthy and moving more? Work toward creating a lifestyle that makes you feel good, that gets rid of the FOOD GUILT? The weight loss will automatically follow…
That number on the scale is just that – a number. It doesn’t mean anything, but boy, it carries a lot of weight and baggage, doesn’t it?
The longer I go on this journey, the more I know I need to work toward living a healthy life, rather than trying to hit some arbitrary number.
*steps off box*
Hope you’re doing okay!!!
Hey Jenn! Thanks for the comment
Yes, you are right! Working towards being healthy and feeling great should NO DOUBT be the goal – no doubt about it. But it’s not something that gets me into ACTION, unfortunately! Alas, one day I’ll get back on the wagon… one day sooner than later!!
I think you look great in that picture! I always thought I was so huge back in the day, and compared to most of my friends I was, but I’d love to be that weight again now. Looking back I think I look good and why was I so self conscious? I was 5’3 and 150lbs in hs, so a little overweight, but not too bad. After hs I grew another inch taller and lost 20 pounds, but still felt too big, even though for the first time ever my thighs didn’t touch.
I guess it’s all about babysteps!
Am I reading that right, you are 5’11 and want to be 118 lbs? I’m 5’4 and don’t want to go below 125!!
Oh no!!! I certainly DO NOT want to weigh 118. Heck, I do NOT want to weigh anything under 160 in fact! My ultimate goal is 180-ish, give or take 5!
What I meant was, I’m not one of those people aiming for some nearly unnattainable goal of their youth – like 118 – the number is attainable… in the real world, just not in my own brain!
What a fabulous picture! And a fabulous motivation. I hate how some people can really poison our perception of ourselves.
ah! gotcha! i was thinking ‘wow she always sounded so level headed until this’ hahahaha!