Sugar Shakes

I don’t know why I titled this entry that, I just felt like it.  So, hello again all!  Not a whole lot new to report.  I just wanted to say that I finally started reading, “Women, Food and God” and so far, it’s been a great read.  I already recommend it!  I’ll let you know at the end how I feel, but so far, it’s been a positive thing.

Ew, my blog is so plain and ugly – I need a revamp!  On my long to-do list… sigh…

Also – I wanted to touch a bit more on my “victim” phase that I chatted briefly about in my last entry.  I’m very aware that I’ve been very focused on my excuses and my reasons of why I’m fat – the reasons behind the eating and definitely feeling like a victim.  I think, though, that I feel like I’ve given them their time and I’m ready to move forward.  Not feeling gung ho, but I feel movement.  Obviously this isn’t a traditional – proactive – health blog since I haven’t been planning much, or seeing much body success – but my mind has had tons of growth which is wonderful.  I’m starting to feel more calm from within, which has been deeply needed.

Ermm, weather around these parts has been pretty unpredictable.  We had tornados one day.  The next day, perfect sunshine and heat.  The next day (yesterday), it snowed.  And today, completely sunny and cool.  Odd!  I haven’t been to the gym in a while, but have been making myself go out on more walks – even if we just have a two hour window of fabulous weather, I take full advantage!

One of my best friends is getting lap-band surgery, very soon.  As you know, I’ve been thinking about some sort of weight loss surgery for years.  I always go back and forth.  I find myself thinking about it again now, knowing that she’s moving forward, but still it’s not something I’m moving forward with.  Still other things I need to handle, deal with, work through, etc – but it’s on my radar, we’ll see.  I will be interesting to see her go through the process.  She’s scared and nervous but very, very excited   I’m happy for her.  She lost over 120 lbs a few years ago, and has gained half back, so I know she’s very frightened of continuing to gain, so I support her decision very much.  But still, not sure I’m ready.  That being said, other than her, everyone else in my life is against it – lol… alas, no one else is fat!!!

Blah blah blah, I’m still drinking tons of water.  I’m SO in love with it now, it’s so funny.  Every single time I drink it I am just so pleased about it and say a little prayer to God, thanking him for access to such beautiful, clean drinking water.  I have had a few sips of soda here and there, but nothing like before.  I had a couple in the last two weeks – I’d like to get it down to around once or twice a month, that’d be good.  However, when does the constant peeing STOP?  Seriously… I was tempted to ‘ask my doctor about overactive bladder’ lol…

I don’t think this is carpal tunnel.  I actually have carpal tunnel in my right arm.  But man, if what I had over the weekend was carpal tunnel – then I certainly need to do something.  It was crippling, hide in the bathroom, hypeventilate and cry type of pain.  The pain radiated from the shoulder blade and soon it would out of nowhere, pinch the nerve and my entire arm, hand and fingers would go into a tight spasm, my arm was hard as rock!

I went to the ER and then during the week, so my regular doc.  I need to start physical therapy – or see a chiro and massage therapist.  He talked about how tight my shoulders were.  We’ll see.  That all takes moolah and will have to wait a few weeks.  Until then, I’m working on stretching and trying to keep my stress levels down.  It definitely does have something to do with a pinched nerve, though, maybe also stress induced.

Anywho – recently I stumbled onto this blog, and read a few of her 100 reasons she was being successful in her health goals.  And I realized that I’m definitely in the “victim” phase.  But at least I’m realizing it and am looking forward to leaving that thought process behind!  I am planning on doing Weight Watchers and having my husband weigh me.  If it feels uncomfortable or doesn’t work out, I’m open to joining meetings, too – just not in the next month as we’ve got to realy watch our coins for the next few weeks.

Anywho – that’s where I am!  The weather is lovely and I’m looking forward to getting on my bike again.  We plan on teaching our 5 year old how to ride a regular bike soon.  Up til now, she’s been using a balance bike, which has been awesome, but you have to like walk when she uses it lol, but if she’s able to keep up a bit, I’ll be able to install a seat on my bike for the youngest and we’ll all three be able to get out.  Should be great!

I want to write a blog entry like everyday.  I type them out, have to get up and do something like pick up a child from school or take them to tumbling class or something that I save it as a draft and either forget about it – or come back and start writing a new one.  My drafts folder is so long!

I’m  doing alright.  I’m not on the weight loss wagon, unfortunately, but I’m doing well.  I was having some problems with pains in my arms that were insanely painful and causing my arms to seize up and my fingers to clench up closed and stiff.  So weird!  I ended up in the ER, and I had TWO weddings to photograph that very weekend and really struggled through them both.  What terrible luck since TWO of my friends were getting married the same weekend of all this!  Terrible timing.

Ahw well, anyway.  I successfully went soda-free for two weeks.  I had a diet dr pepper yesterday and o.m.g. it was SO good!  But I still won’t be getting them into the house, or else I’ll go back to my one-a-day habit.  I have however, in only two weeks developed a love affair with my water bottle – I feel naked when it’s not with me.  I just hope I’m able to get over this constant peeing though – it’s ridiculous.  I feel like I should start a book just for the bathroom, I’d finish it a few days…

tmi?

Hehe… anyway, just wanted to check in.  I’m considering formally joining Weight Watchers with my mom.  Have you seen the Jennifer Hudson commercials? She looks so vibrant and healthy.  Good stuff.  Alright- must run and catch up on all of YOUR blogs!  I can’t wait to hear how you all are doing

Ugh, Friday I wound up in the ER.  Nothing life threatening, mind you.  But I was dealing with bouts of a crippling pain in my arms.  Mostly, my left arm.  It stars with a severe burning sensation in my left shoulder blade, and the pain intensifies pretty quickly, throbbing in my left arm, and eventually causing the entire arm to cramp up to the point my fingers can’t be opened up, even if I tried pulling with my other hand.  The pain of this experience is severe, and when it’s over, it’s still sore and has that pain of it threatening to worsen again.  This continued to happen until i didn’t know how I’d get through the day.  It was horrible

I was sent home with muscle relaxers and major pain pills.  What’s that supposed to help in the long run, though?  THe weekend was terrible, too, especially since TWO, yes, TWO, of my friends were getting married – on Sat and Sun, and yes, I was the photographer for both!  I Felt so bad about letting them down, but I did my best.  And happily, our mutual friend at the 2nd wedding, was a photographer and filled my shoes.  But seeing as the girl getting married is ALSO a photographer, you want MORE from yourself on such days… but unfortunately, she got only a fraction of me   Oh well… it was a lovely weekend, despite my pain.  That was so severe at times, that I had the brides pulling on my arms in the case it could be a trapped nerve – and sometimes I’d find a shady corner or end bathroom stall in which to allow my pain to take over as I breathed heavily through it.

The pills from the doc didn’t seem to help much.  Rather, they disabled my arm from being able to completely cramp… which in turn just made my arm sore and threaten for longer…   What seemed to help the most, was an acid-reducer.  I took this because I had zero appetite and felt “up to here” with being full even though I’d hardly eaten for days.  That’s sure something I wish would stick with me, but without the pain thank you.

Anyway, I had a docs appt this afternoon.  I need to see a chiro and a massage therapist.  Cha-ching, but if it helps me feel better and relieve some the headaches I’ve been having repeatedly – can you say flashing geometric-shaped wriggling eye snakes?  HORRENDOUS!!! If you’ve had them, you know exactly what I mean… I get chills just thinking about them – BLUGH.

So… does anyone have any experience with reflux or gerd that has caused a lot of arm/shoulder blade pain?  How about reoccuring tension headaches and occular migraines??

All these things with me recently have really made me realize I need to take more care of my health.  Vanity being last on the list…

Just a short entry for now.  I just had to tell you all something.  Ever since my last blog entry, I haven’t binged.   I haven’t eaten with some drive or purpose.  Granted, I haven’t tried to control myself and I certainly haven’t denied myself anything (except for soda, which I want one so badly right now!)   But since I’ve come to terms with the whole unworthiness, those deep negative feelings that I didn’t want to approach, deal with, confront… I haven’t binged or felt any strong desire that had some sort of uncontrollable feeling behind it.

Sure, there were times when my helpings at dinner were too large – but when I was done, I was done.  I was offered ice cream one time!  Everyone was making banana splits.  So, my mom told me to go up and make myself a sundae.  (I’m anti banana because I’m sorta allergic, or more like sensitive to them)  Anywho, I sauntered on up there and was like “where’s the chocolate fudge?”

Mom:  “It’s the chocolate chips, you just have to heat them up.”

I thought for a second and was like “Neh…” and just went back and hung out in the living room with the family.  I’m sure I got a couple weird looks.  Coley? Turn down ice cream?  Alas I did.  I just didn’t want it enough.  But that had never stopped me before!

As for my little 21 days things, someone mentioned that it’s 28 days.  I do believe that – I’d assume it takes longer to break a habit as well.  I still have not had any soda.  I have eaten past 8pm, though.  I have been making more efforts in the morning – although not always getting to the make-up part, I’ve gotten hair at least presentable and I’ve been dressed in clothes that are perfectly acceptable haha!

So yeah, just an interesting thing I noticed. I’ve accepted how I feel deep down, I see how feeling those things have brought me here and so many places in my life, believing those things deep down – and being more conscious about being more accepting of not only me as I am, but also accepting of feelings of anxiety rather than trying to push them down – it’s been kind of neat to experience.  We’ll see how the weeks continue…

Is it really only 21 days?  Hm.

I dropped my youngest at school today, and I had my oldest and the little one I babysit.  Getting three girls ready and together and lunchbox made in the morning and backpack put together, makes for pretty busy mornings.  I always show up at preschool, kids looking great, me looking like I just rolled out of bed… backwards…. without having passed a mirror along the way.  I find it so intriguing that half of the moms look ready for the day, and then even more intrigued by the moms who look like 10s.  “That’s commitment!” I’d always say to myself.  I’d tell myself, they must be morning people!  What lucky husbands they have, LOL!

One of the gals there, she’s newer and she’s always rushing about – but she’s cool and we chat now and then.  Today I stopped her and asked – during a particularly scary looking morning for me – “What time do you wake up in the morning?”

hotmom: “6:45!”

baglady (me): “Are you a morning person?” I ask this because she must just pop up in the morning and go from 1 to 10!

hotmom:  “I do my hair and blowdry it the night before.”

baglady: “If I wash my hair the night before, it’s sticking straight UP in the morning!” (as if that’s the only thing keeping me from looking so good)

hotmom: “Ask my husband, I’m not normal.  The dishes are done and the house is vacuumed as well.  And I went to be at 2:45 in the morning!”

badlady: narrowing my eyes “I really need to up my game… hm…”

On the way to my car, I ran into another friend – who was already dressed to the nines as well, but thank goodness, she’s my friend enough to know she’s not like that 100% of all mornings (almost, though) and she certainly was more like yours truly, just two years ago.  I chatted away and admired her little fashionista ways.  Back in the car, my bff called and I talked to her about these women who’s “on the ball-ness” is just so amazing to me.  Then I realized, I was also talking to the friend who never leaves the house without make-up. She and I talked about these women and how it must just be habit for them now.  And judging by my parking lot friend, it’s something that you can make happen for yourself.  You’re not resigned to “the way you’ve been since you got married.” haha, poor hubman.  It’s habit for her to put on make-up.

Hm.

So, if you’ve followed my blog at all semi-regularly, you’ll know very well, my journey towards weight loss has been pretty close to a complete halt.  In fact, the cold hard truth of it, is I’ve gained back nearly all the weight I lost.  It royally sucks, but I’ve earned back every pound, sigh. I also haven’t been able to summon up the motivation or discipline to continue on the good path.  So, since I can’t promise to even get through one amazingly healthful day of eating, I’m going to do a 21 days commitment, of just a few changes.

Food has always been such a hurdle for me, so I’m going to make a few changes and they are big.  And they could lead to even more changes.

I have a hard time sticking to these things – so it’s only 21 days, which will pass in the blink of an eye anyway…

For 21 days I will:

*  Give up diet soda

*  Get “extra” ready in the morning, dressed thoughtfully (not sweats and a tshirt), and leave with decent hair and some quick make-up at the least

*  Conscious exercise 3-5 times per week

*  No eating past 8pm

Please don’t judge me.  It’s hard to put out there that I leave the house looking like a bathroom sponge during the morning school rush.  I never leave in pajamas at least!  But the clothes I choose usually feel pretty similar.  hehe.  My hope for this 21 day challenge is, these things will cause me to feel better about myself and my abilities, and in that tone, that positivity will reach its little fingers into other parts of my life – like the ability to eat healthier.

Confession time:

I’m not saying these things to look for pity.  It really is about realizing what we’re made of and why we do what we do, why we think how we think, act how we act, etc…  and learn more about myself is part of what it takes to move forward in betterment, right?  For the first time EVERRRRR with so much clarity, I realized, I think I’m worthless.  Okay, boohoo me, blah blah, drama pity party.  I’m not looking for that.  And yes, in the light of day, I know that I have worth, am worthy of love, worthy of a good life and capable of all three and more.  But there is something deep down in me, that feels like I am worthless.  I’m not sure why, it’s probably been there since childhood, though, I feel that.  But now that I’ve realized this – it’s actually bringing clarity to other things that have been going on with me for the past 10 years and longer.  Especially in the marriage.  I am feeling some guilt and upset about things i’ve put my husband through.  I always felt he didn’t love me at all.  He didn’t like me, etc.  And I just felt like it was his fault that I didn’t feel loved.  And even though he is guilty of being removed from me and not investing more time and energy into me and us, it’s not all on him.  I thought he didn’t love me because I thought I was unloveable.  I felt like there was nothing about me that would be loveable, so surely he didn’t love me.

You can see the vicious cycle, right?  Someone I confide in recently said, “Do you think God wants you to feel that way?”
Certainly not!  Just as I wouldn’t want my daughters to feel that way about themselves!

My goal now – is to focus on those changes for 21 days – and remind myself at all times, I am loveable, I am worthy and I AM capable of so much.  I AM capable of reaching my goals.  I AM capable of having what I work hard for, I AM deserving of good things.  And with that, I also will realize in that, that when I work towards things and a healthy body and life, I CAN have those things with the actions to get me there.  I really feel like it’s been why I haven’t been able to make real movement for so long, because I hadn’t gone this deep and “started form the beginning”…

I really, honestly feel I’m onto something.  And there is no shame in going around in circles all these months, there is no shame in knowing less than that person over there, for I have wonderful abilities and gifts and talents that others don’t.  I am worthy, I am capable and I am oh so very valid and valued in this world.  Especially to me

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good.  That’s exciting, isn’t it?  Especially for me.  I’ve been sick for months now, and sometimes it seems like my sicknesses would overlap!  Most recently, I’ve been having tension headaches, that eventually moved into pain in my neck shoulder and part of my back.  It seemed to get worse by the day, and then hubman and I had a tiff and it seemed to seize up completely!  So much pain and very limited movement – made for a miserable girl.  It’s amazing how feeling a bit well lifts the spirits so!  So, although I’m not 100% yet, I’m pleased.

The neck pain and tension headaches… have been tension, obviously.  I never knew that I kept so much tension there, but I do now and will try to remember to continue stretching especially in times of stress. See that photo over there, I feel like that’s where my own hand has been for over a week now.

So, I’m happy that I woke with a feeling of possibility.  The sun is shining and although part of me can’t help but linger on the fact that summer is near and I’m STILL… not … where I’d like to be health wise – I need to focus on that renewed sense of possibility.  No more of this focusing on the negative – but it is something that needs practice.

I have a new plan of action, even!  As you know, I’m really trying to rid of that negative voice in me that hollers noon and night so what I’ve been thinking is, instead of going “You can’t have that, woman!” I’m going to think, “It feels SO awesome when I have a great day under my belt.  I feel so much energy and pride… etc”  I’m really hoping that those thoughts will ‘feed’ me in a way, feed that anxiety that I have – even if just a bit, like a nicotine patch.  Maybe not everytime, but hey, it’s worth a go!  So, today is the first day I’ll be putting it into practice.