21 days to create a habit and some more confessions

Is it really only 21 days?  Hm.

I dropped my youngest at school today, and I had my oldest and the little one I babysit.  Getting three girls ready and together and lunchbox made in the morning and backpack put together, makes for pretty busy mornings.  I always show up at preschool, kids looking great, me looking like I just rolled out of bed… backwards…. without having passed a mirror along the way.  I find it so intriguing that half of the moms look ready for the day, and then even more intrigued by the moms who look like 10s.  “That’s commitment!” I’d always say to myself.  I’d tell myself, they must be morning people!  What lucky husbands they have, LOL!

One of the gals there, she’s newer and she’s always rushing about – but she’s cool and we chat now and then.  Today I stopped her and asked – during a particularly scary looking morning for me – “What time do you wake up in the morning?”

hotmom: “6:45!”

baglady (me): “Are you a morning person?” I ask this because she must just pop up in the morning and go from 1 to 10!

hotmom:  “I do my hair and blowdry it the night before.”

baglady: “If I wash my hair the night before, it’s sticking straight UP in the morning!” (as if that’s the only thing keeping me from looking so good)

hotmom: “Ask my husband, I’m not normal.  The dishes are done and the house is vacuumed as well.  And I went to be at 2:45 in the morning!”

badlady: narrowing my eyes “I really need to up my game… hm…”

On the way to my car, I ran into another friend – who was already dressed to the nines as well, but thank goodness, she’s my friend enough to know she’s not like that 100% of all mornings (almost, though) and she certainly was more like yours truly, just two years ago.  I chatted away and admired her little fashionista ways.  Back in the car, my bff called and I talked to her about these women who’s “on the ball-ness” is just so amazing to me.  Then I realized, I was also talking to the friend who never leaves the house without make-up. She and I talked about these women and how it must just be habit for them now.  And judging by my parking lot friend, it’s something that you can make happen for yourself.  You’re not resigned to “the way you’ve been since you got married.” haha, poor hubman.  It’s habit for her to put on make-up.

Hm.

So, if you’ve followed my blog at all semi-regularly, you’ll know very well, my journey towards weight loss has been pretty close to a complete halt.  In fact, the cold hard truth of it, is I’ve gained back nearly all the weight I lost.  It royally sucks, but I’ve earned back every pound, sigh. I also haven’t been able to summon up the motivation or discipline to continue on the good path.  So, since I can’t promise to even get through one amazingly healthful day of eating, I’m going to do a 21 days commitment, of just a few changes.

Food has always been such a hurdle for me, so I’m going to make a few changes and they are big.  And they could lead to even more changes.

I have a hard time sticking to these things – so it’s only 21 days, which will pass in the blink of an eye anyway…

For 21 days I will:

*  Give up diet soda

*  Get “extra” ready in the morning, dressed thoughtfully (not sweats and a tshirt), and leave with decent hair and some quick make-up at the least

*  Conscious exercise 3-5 times per week

*  No eating past 8pm

Please don’t judge me.  It’s hard to put out there that I leave the house looking like a bathroom sponge during the morning school rush.  I never leave in pajamas at least!  But the clothes I choose usually feel pretty similar.  hehe.  My hope for this 21 day challenge is, these things will cause me to feel better about myself and my abilities, and in that tone, that positivity will reach its little fingers into other parts of my life – like the ability to eat healthier.

Confession time:

I’m not saying these things to look for pity.  It really is about realizing what we’re made of and why we do what we do, why we think how we think, act how we act, etc…  and learn more about myself is part of what it takes to move forward in betterment, right?  For the first time EVERRRRR with so much clarity, I realized, I think I’m worthless.  Okay, boohoo me, blah blah, drama pity party.  I’m not looking for that.  And yes, in the light of day, I know that I have worth, am worthy of love, worthy of a good life and capable of all three and more.  But there is something deep down in me, that feels like I am worthless.  I’m not sure why, it’s probably been there since childhood, though, I feel that.  But now that I’ve realized this – it’s actually bringing clarity to other things that have been going on with me for the past 10 years and longer.  Especially in the marriage.  I am feeling some guilt and upset about things i’ve put my husband through.  I always felt he didn’t love me at all.  He didn’t like me, etc.  And I just felt like it was his fault that I didn’t feel loved.  And even though he is guilty of being removed from me and not investing more time and energy into me and us, it’s not all on him.  I thought he didn’t love me because I thought I was unloveable.  I felt like there was nothing about me that would be loveable, so surely he didn’t love me.

You can see the vicious cycle, right?  Someone I confide in recently said, “Do you think God wants you to feel that way?”
Certainly not!  Just as I wouldn’t want my daughters to feel that way about themselves!

My goal now – is to focus on those changes for 21 days – and remind myself at all times, I am loveable, I am worthy and I AM capable of so much.  I AM capable of reaching my goals.  I AM capable of having what I work hard for, I AM deserving of good things.  And with that, I also will realize in that, that when I work towards things and a healthy body and life, I CAN have those things with the actions to get me there.  I really feel like it’s been why I haven’t been able to make real movement for so long, because I hadn’t gone this deep and “started form the beginning”…

I really, honestly feel I’m onto something.  And there is no shame in going around in circles all these months, there is no shame in knowing less than that person over there, for I have wonderful abilities and gifts and talents that others don’t.  I am worthy, I am capable and I am oh so very valid and valued in this world.  Especially to me