I’m a photographer and have been working a lot lately.  Which is a good thing, but it also makes me attached to the computer a lot – so when I have free time – the last place I want to be in the computer.  I’m sorry to my readers for neglecting this blog, and sorry for my friends that I havent checked up on you in a while.  I’ve been journaling on paper each night, which I’ve been doing for years and is theraputic to me, but I shall return!!  When work slows down, which it’s likely to do soon

I hope you’re all lovely – please don’t forget about me!

Being a rebel – meaning not doing well.  Trying to be aware, I think it’s a backlash of reading the book, and I expect and will make sure it’s temporary.  The writer herself mentioned after she made the revelations that she describes in her book, there was a time of backlash somewhat…

Other parts of life are going well, although a little bit stressed since I’ve had a lot of work to do, all at once and it’s nearing the end of the school year for the girls and babysitting.  Other than my health, I’m happy and content so that really helps the situation.  My body doesn’t feel strong, though, and I’m just going to continue to do what I need to do to get my head in order and my body will follow

I almost forgot to add the reason I logged on – I started a new medication several days ago and it makes me SO. TIRED.  I hope this doesn’t last much longer – I’m so tired, I deep breathe all day as if I AM sleeping, I’m always fighting nodding off – at one point I thought it was unsafe for me to drive!!!  Also – being so tired just makes me crave carbs and sugar!!

I stopped by my gym last week and met with a few personal trainers.  I chatted with one in particular that I really like and think she will be a great match for me!  Leave it to me, too, to choose the most expensive one!!  She’s awesome though and now I’m doing what I can to FIND the money to make it happen.  Really exciting!  I’ve always loved working out once I get past the first few horrid weeks – so I’m pretty excited!

Did you guys catch Geneen Roth on Orpah the other day?  What timing!  Just after I was waxing poetic about how great the book was!

And that includes Fathers who appreciate the mother’s of their children and their own mothers, and children who appreciate their mothers and grandmother’s… ah, it was a good day for me.

I finally finished reading that book, Women, Food and God – and oh boy, it was great!  It had such an awesome message that was so fitting for me especially, but I’d imagine so many people would benefit from it.  It’s not heavy in religion, so it would be fitting for so many readers no matter your faith.  I highly recommend it.  It’s not a diet – not even close, it’s about the relationship and the thoughts and words you have for yourself… the author talks about ‘walking through the door’ of your eating habits and seeing what’s behind it… it’s not just about the food.  We all know that deep down, don’t we?  And it’s also not about restricting and desciplining yourself to within an inch of your sanity either… because that’s not living.  Really good book, gotta read it for yourself.  And it’s a smooth read.  Not like some where you have to take notes and review them before continuing lol – although there were many parts that I read and reread to just get things through the skull

Anywho, I have more updates – but seems like time online is something I don’t have much of these days.  Which is a good thing about life – going to live it

The weather has such a wonderful affect on my mood.  It makes me feel so positive, so hopeful.  Right now things in my life are kind of off track.  I’m doing the work emotionally to figure things out, to become my whole self – and finally I’m in a place where I’m willing to get back into the game of changing my health for the better, so I’m happy about that.

I’ve been thinking about doing that Couch to 5K that so many of you fabulous bloggers have done.  It’s pretty neat to think in three short months, you could jog 3k!  Woop woop!  Already, just imagining jogging feels strenuous! lol…

I’ve got such a busy week ahead of me, it’s exhausting.  So,on that note – it’s the perfect time to get my body moving!

Ohh! I also wanted to come on here to say something really quick!

There have been so many times… countless, hundreds of thousands of tims where I’ve struggled – wanting to eat something and telling myself No.  Most of the time, I’d give in and eat it.  Many times, I’d resist and I’d feel SO proud of myself – but it’d take some effort.

Just now, in the kitchen as I put together a picnic snack for the kids – for a park visit after school – I was tempted to grab a bag of snacks for myself.  I thought to myself immediately – you’re not hungry – and like without missing a beat, I tossed it back into the cabinet.  I shut the cabinet and thought to myself, “you’re thirsty” – so I’m sitting here with water now – feeling pretty cool.  It wasn’t hard.  It was only… conscious.

Nice.

Oh yeah – and thanks everyone for checking in on me and leaving a message   It means SO much to know you all are out there

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I’m not sure… have I set a time/weight goal yet?  Probably have.  Just goes to show you how successful I was at that as I can’t even remember.  And goodness knows, this could be a really bad idea.  Alas, I was over at Tammy’s blog and I remember she had a goal to lose a certain amount of weight by a certain time, and she is doing mighty fine now!!  So, guess what, it’s my blog, I’ll do it if I want!  And if I slip and fall off and become a lazy bum who doesn’t follow through, I delete this post and pretend it neverrr happened.  I know, such a slacker way of doing things.  I don’t always want to be that sort of person who doesn’t follow through with a challenge.  I hope I can change that, but I know myself enough to know past behavior doesn’t make this so exciting.  Also, I’m just in that place with myself right now.  Victim-y, remember?  However, moving forward, trying to change it – baby steps.

A big step already just saying it out loud that I want to lose 50lbs by my bday.  That gives me just over 19 weeks.  Yeah, you read that right.  That averages out at 2.6 lb loss per week.  Doable, but it will take hard work.  I figure, it’s a good goal, and any loss would be FABULOUS since it’s been ages since that’s happened, Le Sigh!  Speaking of Tammy, though, I must make sure I don’t start off my tough new challenge with her most recent post – mug cake!! Gahh!!!!  Run!!  Do not google!!

Here are my plans for the first two weeks.

1.  30 minutes of exercise 6 days a week.  It’s ONLY 30 minutes, heck, walk the dog… my area couldn’t possibly be anymore HILLY.  I could even get on the bike and ride to Sprouts to pick up something… in the evenings when hubman is home… I’ve yet to figure out a way to bike with two tots.  I’ve tried pulling them both in the trailer, but oh em gee, my five year old certainly is too big for that by now, it’s ridiculous.  One time we were on a bike ride.  Hubman had them attached to his bike.  He had me, mid-hill, try to take over since he was so tired.  I was STANDING on his pedals, and we still didn’t budge! lol

2.  Woohoo, I’m happy to report – I am STILL super-water-girl.  I feel like I drink an insane amount of water per day.  Truth is, though, I think I only get in about 32 oz, and I know I should be getting closer to 64 oz.  But with how much I’ve been peein’, I can’t imagine spending half my days on the john.  Meh!!  So yeah, I want to stick with water and continue to work up to more.  And also drink a cup before each meal. UPDATE: I just realized the huge canister I use to keep my water in… IS 64 oz! Woohoo! I’m wondering if I should drink even more. I read somewhere you should divide your weight in half and drink that many ounces of water. I’d drown.

3.  Eat breakfast within an hour of waking up and make it serious FUEL, not just a teensy little Acitivia.

4.  Keep under 2000 calories per day.

5.  Stop eating 2 hours before bedtime!

That is my 2 week plan.  I shall add more to-do after the first few weeks, but I absolutely can not overload myself!

May 1, 2010

Weight:  292.2

As you can see, I’ve put on a lot of weight.  I’m almost exactly the same weight I was this time last year.  It’s very frustrating.  But I’m just trying hard to get my head in the right place and I think I’m getting there… and I want to start putting some action behind it.  Start feeling strong physically again.  I’m afraid of creeping up back to my highest weight.  I just can’t be havin’ that!