Seriously!  Thanks for your great comments and messages, I really appreciate the love!  I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but there is this weird clique thing that goes on between surgery peeps and ‘do it au naturalle” peeps and I’ve worried about maybe getting some hate.  But I haven’t.  Not from YOU guys anyway – much love!

Okay, so how am I doing?  I’m doing okay.  I feel like I’m healing well.  Energy goes in and out.  In one day, out the next.  Today was an out.  That’s kind of disheartening because you find yourself worrying about things, thinking the worst – like maybe you’re getting sick, maybe something’s wrong, maybe this won’t work out afterall…

I stepped on the scale this morning, and I’ve actually gained about a pound.  Interesting since I’d been dropping weight like you wouldn’t believe.  A few days before this, my weight loss had stopped – it just stay the same for a few days and then today with the gain, it was kind of strange.  I started to think I had done something wrong.  Thing is, a lot of the weight I probably dropped, was water weight – not being able to chug down water like I used to.  So, I sip, sip, sip all day long and maybe I’m rehydrating, which is a really good thing. And this is gonna sound weird, but to be honest, I kind of needed a break from the weight loss.  This whole journey is something no one could have told me, well – not that I’d fully understand.  It’s surreal and odd, and even though weight loss is your goal, seeing the weight go down so quickly is also disheartening and foreign and it’s hard to connect yourself with the scale anymore.  Where there was years when I felt like my weight was part of WHO I WAS (terrible, huh?) – I feel strange about it now.  The weight goes down, and I forget how low it will be when I hop on the scale, so I’m kind of happy for the pause, the break in the weight loss.  I want to be HEALTHY first and foremost, so losing weight slower is way great and I think it will continue that way.

I’m definitely mourning food.  Because I recently cooked this incredible meal for hubman to say thank you for the fact that he’s been perfection since I’ve come home from surgery.  He’s been JUST perfection.  So helpful, taking initiative, making sure I’m comfortable and all without question or GUILT – which I give enough to myself, especially now.  Anyway, I made him this amazing dinner and so I pureed some and had some myself.  It was sooo delish, it was incredible – even I was impressed lol.  But after three bites, I was DONE – full to the brim and it REALLY pissed me off inside.  I just felt so stolen from.  My stomach was STOLEN (um, voluntarily paying for this isn’t stealing Coley) and now I can’t have that feeling that I desire.  I mean, it’s ridiculous – I payed for this, I wanted this, but man – coming to terms with having your choice taken away from you is this crazy-in-the-head thing.  Add to that, I read this post today on obesityhelp.com about this woman having second thoughts about getting surgery because she wouldnt be able to chug this or that, or that she’d have to eat healthy stuff before carbs, sugars, etc – and she was reluctant and the change.

And that’s exactly what I’m going through.  I KNOW to have success with my health and this surgery – CHANGE must take place – so all the things I miss and I’m moody about – in order to have EVER had success, I was going to have to change.  Many people who’ve had success with the VSG tell me that food just becomes not so important anymore (that makes me sad) but they say, it’s NOT sad, you eat, you enjoy it and you get busy doing other things.  It’s not like you used to do – dinners that go on and on and on and on… followed by desert.  My mind , even though I knew it would have to change and I thought I was making those changes – no, I was aware, but awareness was just the first step.  The surgery has forced me to act on those changes and man… tough… but necessary.  For me, anyway.

So yeah, interesting thoughts.  I’m not happy about surgery yet.  I want to feel FULL and numbbbb – numb to what?  Dunno!  Life is beautiful!  But I have a habit of zoning out, to let me forget about all the stuff that needs to get done that isn’t and I sure do miss my drug!

Alas, I’ll take it day by day, and slow down and breathe (as I’m forced to do) while I discover all the other things in life that don’t involve my addiction.  Like COOKING!!! hahah, sounds funny, but seriously, I’ve taken such a delight in cooking lately – I guess since I can’t be INTO it, being with it in some way has definitely brought satisfaction.