My friend posts this photo of me that she snapped while I was working.  I’m a photographer – so usually I am the one behind the camera – no one is allowed to take a photo of me!  I cringe when I see them pointed in my direction.  I saw this one that she ended up posting on facebook (don’t dare ever tag me!) and I cringed at the thought of seeing it, but when I did see it I just though… “Oh… I look like me.”

That is a GOOD thing, ya’ll!!  Yes, I said ‘y’all’.  I didn’t say “Ugh, my chin… ughh my cheeks, ughh my noseee” – I just thought, cool, I look like me.  It definitely has something to do with my weight loss, but it also has something to do with my frame of mine.  Gone are the day-afterday-afterday-afterday of feelings of failure for what I didn’t accomplish that day.  I’ve let go of the dialogue that has obviously been playing for years over and over in my mind, even if I didn’t realize it at the moment.

Instead of seeing a photo of myself and analyzing my shortcomings, I just saw me.

And that made me smile.

I was very pleased this morning to see my weight at 273 point something.  I don’t remember the point something because I weigh myself every morning and that point something can be something to obsess over.  I was just happy to see the 3, after the 7.  During the week, my weight rose as high as 276 to my vast displeasure.  I’m happy that we’re headed in the right direction again.

Nothing too new here… unless new counts as

That’s right, not only did hubman say YES, since he is the deciding factor in this family-unit gig, but the truth is, I decided YES and me being so sure about it, caused hubman to be in agreement.  I deserved …. a new caaaaarrr.. and I’m very happy with it   Honda Crosstour in Tango Red, muchachas!!

Eating is going well.  I’m getting in the hang of when to stop.  I still really miss drinking during and after my meals, so having to watch the clock before I’m able to have my water back in hand is hard, but it’s worth avoiding all the pain and disomfort.  In soft things, I notice I’m able to eat more than solids which is interesting and I have to keep in mind.  A few days ago I made a rockin’ chili and I was able to eat like a cup and a half of it!  It was in two sittings, but in the course of 2 hours, that was quite a lot of food I was able to fit in.  So I gotta be careful about those mushy things.

Anyway, this is a short post to let you all know I’m here and doing alright.  We are wanting to do some garage clearing-out today – fun fun – but it needs to be done, and hey, maybe burn a few calories as well – wahoo!

Have a great Sunday all!

I’m about 5 and a half weeks out… feels like longer.  Things are going well around here. Life is beautiful, Life is good, Life is bountifully blessed.  This is definitely one of the best times in my life with my family and I feel infinitely blessed.

However, on the weight front – don’t know if I can say the same.  I SHOULD say the same.  I SHOULD.  I’m 5 and a half weeks out of surgery and have lost 23 lbs since surgery, and 32 lbs total since my 2-week pre-op diet.  I should be VERY pleased with these results.  However, it’s really hard not to do exactly what Dr. Alvarez said not to do… and that’s to compare myself with others.  People on the VSG message board I frequent often, they are losing weight left and right.  They often post “3 months out and 50 lbs down!” or “5 months and and 70 lbs down!” And in my head, it just seems so impossible.  I’ve been losing 1-2 lbs per week after my 1st week… and it doesn’t even seem like I’m losing 1-2 lbs because I seem my weight bouncing up and down the same few lbs all the time.  In fact, I got down to 270 at one point and then this week… I GAINED!  Ughh, groan… seriously, as if i even eat enough to maintain this weight – let alone GAIN?

Groan…

Anyway, don’t let my mini-rant mean much.  The truth is, I’m feeling REALLY good.  My clothes are fitting so much better, and some of my clothes are falling off.  I cleared out my closet and got rid of a whole laundry basket full of too-big clothes.  Many were already too big to begin with – OR I got rid of winter clothes I knew assumed I wouldn’t fit into by the time winter came around…  now I’m not so sure.  I still have this fear that somehow I will be the one who grows back their entire stomach… ugh – enough negativity!

OKAY – so even though I’m feeling this way deep inside, the truth is, day to day, I feel really positive.  That hopeless, lost, “what-am-i-gonna-do” sigh in my mind is mostly gone.  I no longer have guilt at the end, or the beginning, of the day when it comes to my weight.  I feel like I AM doing something, even if the scale isn’t flying down in numbers, I AM putting the work in. AND SO, I have a few plans in which to get the scale moving and feeling more sure about getting the results.  For one, I’m going to start to record what I eat again.  Not necessarily to control myself, but at first, to get an idea of how many calories I’m getting, andwhere they’re coming from.  I eat such small amounts during the day, I honestly doubt I get in more than 1000 calories at this point.  That being said, when I was on my all liquid diet for 5 weeks (2 weeks before and 3 weeks after) I got n the habit of drinking juice.  I rarely would drink juice before.  Now, I drink light juice, or water it down, but still, I drink juice on a daily basis.  So, I’m wondering how many carbs I’m getting in… even though I eat very little bread or rice – which I used to inhale before.

I am also near 6 weeks which is when my doc says I’m safe to start formal exercise!  I’ve been doing long walks, but I’m looking forward to getting back into the gym and see what it’s like to toss this slightly smaller body to and fro compared to the big one, lol.  Like during Zumba or Hip Hop class, moving this body took a lot of energy and effort and it created a lot of pulling back at me during my workouts, too.  Now that things are a bit pulled in, I wonder if I’ll have more control during workouts, too.  Although it’s been a while since Ive done strength training, so I have a lot of catch up to do…. actually, I just have a lot to do in general to get in shape.  But, I can take it further now…

So, that’s what’s I’m gonna do.  Record my eating on Sparkpeople to make sure I’m keeping things balanced, and going to start formal exercise again

So, I guess I kinda lied.  I went to update the little weights/dates thingy in the sidebar, so I busted out the notebook I record my weights in, and saw, okay, I did lost a couple lbs since my first week.  However, since my most recent post… I seemed to have broken my weight stall!  As of this morning, I was blissful to see…. 274 on the scale!  Huzzah!!  Very, very exciting, my divas, very, very excited.

That all being said, I realized something.  I lost 1 lbs a week for the past two weeks… and guess what.  This is what would happen all those other times before – my weight would stop moving for a week or so, and you know what I’d do?  Yes, you all know.  I did exactly what would NOT take the weight off… I’d QUIT.  I’d quit because I was mad at the stupid SCALE, I was mad at a NUMBER – so frustrated in fact with those little things, that even though I knew my actions were healthier, I’d quit because I felt it to be too hard without a constant reward.  It sucks and that’s why I continued to get so high in my weight, but it’s reality for me.  If I could have just found it in me to KEEP. GOING. like so many of you amazing people about there in bloggyland, you guys are awesome.  Perseverance People!!

So those times when I feel so much struggle not being able to eat as much as everyone else (yes, I get full between 3-5 bites of something) – I just remind myself, the food is not going to disappear from the face of the earth.  And there ain’t NO quitting allowed now, girl.

Also – another thing.  My fam went to Waterworld today – supposedly the biggest waterpark in North America.  SUPER FUN.  I noticed something interesting.  I noticed bikinis everywhere, and I also noticed, in a nation where we’re all getting chubbier, it’s so much more accepted… chubby people were wearing bikini’s left and right!  Not that I minded – it’s good for everyone to see the different body types and shapes in this world.  However, I swear it wasn’t always like this, was it?  I have never in my life worn a bikini, but by what I saw today, when I was in high school (and thought I was a bus) – I would have easily fit in today with a bikini and nobody would have given it a 2nd thought.  Teens are getting heavier, too, that’s quite noticeable and interesting.  I was “the big one” in high school – but now I see, I would have fit in perfectly, not noticed for my weight at all.  Not a good thing all around, but something I’ve just noticed recently.  Although I’m happy for the acceptance of the different sizes, it’s saddening to see the obesity hitting the youngin’s left and right, especially.

I found myself a bit jealous of the bikini nation.  No matter how hard I work on this body, my bikini boat has passed.  There will be no bikini days for this girl.  Even if I got plastic surgery, I’m not going to show my had-two-babies-while-obese stretch marks to the world.  However, I am happy to know there are plenty of super cute one-pieces out there!  I got these pics from www.pinupgirlclothing.com, modcloth.com and also if you’re looking for great plus-size suits (I got an amazing one from here, but LOST IT!) www.alwaysforme.com

Hello all!  I’m nearly a month out from my surgery and I’m doing well.  I still haven’t lost even a pound since my first week, so that kinda blows.  However, I’m feeling a lot better and I know my body shape is changing.  Just this morning as I slipped on my usually snug yoga pants, I noticed them wrinkling and bagging as I sat.  So weird.  I’ve had these pants for years and after an uncountable amount of washes, they’ve never changed shape… so it must be me!

I am sleeping SO much better.  I don’t know if I mentioned it in my last blog entry, but I’m no longer snoring at all!  Which makes marriage better for sure, haha.  Also, I don’t feel like my chubby neck is suffocating me as I watch tv in bed or lying on the couch.  I am able to breath easier (but not right now, I think I’m coming down with strep – blech!)

I am on an anti-anxiety, though, that has been wonderful for me.  I was riddles with anxiety for a long time, and through counseling and changing meds, I feel 100% better in that way – wahoo!  However, with the weight loss, I started to feel SO sleepy and I figured it was just me healing from surgery.  But then it dawned on me, when I first started the medication I’m on now, it made me SO tired and now, that tiredness was back.  So, I ended up chopping my pills in half (and yes, I discussed it with my doc) and now I’m feeling even better, less tired during the mornings and the day, so that’s great.  I just found it so interesting how losing 25-30 lbs would make that change in me, y’know?

I’m on “mushy” foods now, which pretty much feels like I’m eating like a normal person.  I am not cleared to eat everything, though, so there are plenty of things I haven’t had yet.  Like red meat, or compounded type foods – like a sandwich.  I haven’t had real salad yet, either, which I’ve read some people struggle with because the roughage is tough for the stomach.  Iceburg lettuce in particular, which I don’t care for anyway.  I did poke around at some ceasar salad last weekend, though, but I have been craving a nice southwestern salad with corn and blackbeans – yumyum!!

I’m able to eat about a half cup of food at a time, so that’s pretty much each meal.  In the mornings, I have a deeeelicious Mango Mix1 – my super fave.  A long time go, I won a case of Mix 1′s from Beth’s site, and I’ve loved them ever since.  So, I stock up on them at Whole Foods and have one for breakfast, I’d say half of the week.  Sometimes I have an egg, or some Carnation Instant breakfast.  Then, like now, I’m having  Wolfgang Puck soup – less than half the can, I’d say.  For dinner, I’ll cook something and have the tiniest amount – I usually eat out of like a snack dish, or like a sauce dish – I don’t know what the name that I’m thinking of, but small cups/bowls.  And that usually fills me up.  I’m glad it fills me up as it’s all the food that I need, but I admit, it bums me out especially when the food is so good.  Which, I will say, is so weird because lately I’ve been toooootally into COOKING!!  I mentioned that before, its like I can’t eat a lot, so I want to indulge in it in a different way.  And it’s so weird how it’s changed, I’m actually must more comfortable about cooking more now than ever, more comfortable with experimenting and putting my own spins on things.  It pleases me and my family – but it’s also good that I have my limits because seriously, I would just eat and eat and eat otherwise.

Ummm, I’m still adjusting to the fact that I can’t drink when I eat.  I have to stop drinking 15 minutes before and 30 minutes after.  Sometimes I do sip, but then I always regret it as it feels weird, sort of like reflux – not a good feeling.  So I’m getting more used to saying no to drinks when I’m eating.  So, it’s all a learning process, but I”m doing well.

I hope I start to lose the numbers on the scale, soon, because as the other stuff is encouraging, I know I’m not healthy at 277, yknow?

Anywho, moving on – I’m so glad it’s Friday, I hope you all are doing so wonderfully

I’m sleeping much better, I think.  Hubman says I no longer snore, and before my snoring was getting so bad he was thinking of sleeping in another room since the ear plugs weren’t helping enough.  Also, I used to get up several times a night – probably from some apnea.  Now, I sleep pretty solid unless the kids are up with growing pains, which is sort of often.  But even though I know I’m sleeping more solid, WHY, then, am I waking up so tired?  I’m soooo sleepy.  I’m going to assume this has something to do with the surgery.  Maybe I’m still healing and it’s taxing me, or maybe it’s from my diet still being compromised.

I’m having 1-2 protein shakes per day to get in protein.  I start “mushy” foods come Sunday – which includes scrambled eggs and soft proteins like dark meat chicken and fish.  I’m looking forward to having more substantial foods, that’s for sure.  Cottage cheese, too.  Never cared that much for it, but looking forward to it now.

I’m starting to look different.  People don’t mention the weight loss just yet – but they do mention that I look nice, which is nice.  That being said, I get really wierded out by too much attention, lol.  I went to this bachelorette party on Saturday night and the theme was Pinup girls, so all us girls dressed up.  I am kind of excited to say I got a size 18 at Torrid!  I got a dress there, a really cute one.  Of course at plus-size stores, sizes always run a bit big. So, it was probably more like a 20, but still!  I said 18, so that was pretty FLY for me.  It was just a small taste of what (I hope) is to come.

That all being said, I lost NOTHING – not 1 pound during my second week.  I admit I needed a break from losing weight so quick, but losing nothing at all has been sucky!  Especially when you feel like you’re sooo deprived.  Like yesterday, was my nieces birthday and there were so many of our fusion islander foods/american bbq foods taunting me as I slowly snacked on a milked-down greek yogurt.  And then the night before, at the bach party we went to this incredible restaurant with the most amazing looking food.  Umm… something bad kind of happened that night.  I had the clam chowder.  It was friggin incredible – never had any that good ever!  I had only like 2-3 spoons of it, because I knew I’d get full soon. So, I took it really slow.  Then my friends ordered king crab legs and o.m.g. how tempting!  I had to have some myself and that was considered a “mushy” which I’m not supposed to have for another week.  Yes, I realize this was wrong.  But don’t shun me.  I paid the price.  Plus, you try going through this shyte and see if you don’t have weak moments!

Anyway, the crab took it over the top – and I ended up hurling in the ladies room.  People probably thought I was drunk on this Saturday night, but I’ve never been drunk a day in my life.  And after hurling in the bathroom, I don’t think I’ll be anytime soon.  I’m really going to have to get used to the place between “satisfied” and “full” with this new stomach.  It’s not like the old feeling with my old stomach, it’s a totally new feeling, it’s not obvious that ONE bite can take you completely over the edge.

I just hope that experience didn’t put me off the wonders of crab leg meat forever!