What do YOU wanna be when you grow up?  Or, have you already found that path?  How did you find it?  Did you stumble into it, or have you always known?  Hubman is exceptionally talented at what he does.  Thing is, he just sort of fell into it!  He went to school for something similar, but didn’t get a degree in what he does now.  Even though it is related.  He’s just so good at it, and it’s something that just sort of came to him!

I am obviously in a metamorphosis.   My body is changing, my mind is changing and I really want to steer things in a positive direction.  I’ve read a lot about people who go through these body changes and find themselves in a tough spot… so I really want to be healthy, stay healthy, think healthy – all that good stuff!  I’ve been wondering for years – what do I want to be when I grow up?  Thing is, I’m knocking on the door of 30 and it would sure be nice to have that figured out!  Or at least so I can move in that direction.

My parents want me to just take one class.  “Just take one class” they’ve told me for years.  And they’re right!  They’ve been telling me that 10 years ago, and man, if only I started then – I could be somewhere now!  I guess I am somewhere, but you know what I mean. Thing is, I’ve been looking up tuition and man, school is expensive!  So, I can’t just put money into a place that isn’t going to give to what I want to do.  I just don’t know WHAT!  Sometimes I think  maybe I should study business.  That doesn’t sound interesting at all, but it seems like it would fit so many areas in the world, so many careers, so many locations – no matter the time, no matter the place – something like that could help you.  But I dunno… would I be satisfied?  Maybe I will just have to invest in a few random basic classes, and in doing so it could expose me to a potential career?  But what if I decide “I’ll be a vet tech!” – then my hubman will give me the evil look for having spent money on a few regular classes.  Nothing learned is ever wasted, but it sure is easier to say when you make money.  Money is a … hard issue between hubman and I.  I think maybe he wants me to just be happy being a secretary.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that… I’ve kind of seen that being my future.  I have tons of experience being a receptionist…

I just feel so lost.  Kind of like I’m treading water, heading nowhere.  I feel like, I should get some education and work experience, so that who konws what happens in the future – I won’t be left with nothing.  I want the experience and the confidence that comes with an education, a work history.  I also want to feel like I don’t completely depend on my husband.  We are doing wonderful, btw.  Very devoted and in love – yayee!  However, I do have to say – when we separated in 2008, that was a scary time for me – what was I gonna DO??  Child support wasn’t going to make life easy by any means…

What do YOU do?  Do you have a formal education?  Do you work in that field?  What brought you where you are today?  Do you like/love/hate your job?  What do you wish you got into? Please take a moment and let me know!

There I am!  Me walkin’ the runway at the Denver Style Expo!  Not only was it a ton of fun, but I met some of the coolest women!  They were so gorgeous, and voluptuous and confident!  Totally lush girls!  And in all the midst of that, I found myself feeling incredibly self conscious and being a total hater on ME!  Haterism is gross!!  Seriously.  It’s such a waste of time for us to be hatin’ on ourselves, especially when it comes to our looks.  I mean, come. ON!  Waste of time.  Alas, I admit… I’ve been such a hater lately.  And then that day at the Style Expo with these women who’s curves could friggin’ kill from awesomeness, I became so jealous of my LACK of curves.  It’s very strange.  I know I’m not thin.  But around them, I felt so boring and curve-less!  I suddenly missed being Buxom and juicy!  I know it’s all perception.  I’m still quite juice-i-fied!  But there is also this… what’s the word I’m looking for, um… the girls who were bigger, there was a camaradarie between them.  Without even all knowing each other, they had the weight in common.  And with that weight, comes so many shared life experiences – and they were drawn to each other in that way.  I felt it, too.  I felt the camaraderie, but I’ve also felt it and have been included in it stronger when I was bigger.  It’s very strange to see it from a different angle!  And even though I wasn’t really left out… I kinda felt a little left out.  I know a lot of this was more in my mind than anything else, but it existed there a little bit, I could see that, too.

I am not relating to this new body of mine.  On one hand I see it in the mirror (which I now avoid more than ever) and I think – gosh, I have so much more weight to lose.  And then other times, I get so frustrated and uncomfortable in this body and I think – I hope I don’t get any smaller.  It’s a healthier body in many ways.  It’s a more energetic body.  And that’s so wonderful!  But it’s also a loosy-goosy body, too.  Not taught and new like fresh, new weight lol… y’know what I mean?

It’s such a strange experience and it changes and morphs from day to day.  I feel very much in in-between land.  People tell me that I’m thinner, but then sometimes I feel bigger than ever.  It really is all coming down to how I feel – and I want to feel better.  I want to feel happy in this skin.  I don’t want to get lost, or feel lost either.

I had a man in King Soopers, the other day, pay me a compliment.  It was completely unexpected and I was caught off guard, and I know my first reaction was “Is he talking to someone behind me? Oh, let me get out of the way so he can tell that person.”  Then on realizing it was me, I stumbled “Thank You” and then imagined myself dropping all my groceries in the self-check-out and pegging it for the door – wanting to run to the safety of my car.

It’s not the point where people are hitting on me all the time or anything.  I can’t tell you the last time a stranger paid me such a compliment.  But I do know, I’m no longer invisible – doors are being held open more than ever.  And here I just thought everyone was raised by heathens and never taught any etiquette.  Nah, it was just that I was invisible to everyone before.  And so on one hand, I find myself thankful that I’m being treated better, I also find myself deeply irritated with people who suddenly find me worth being polite to?  And it’s not like they’re all super nice.  I go out looking like I rolled through a pile of laundry and still people are nicer than ever.  And the strange thing is, now that they are, I find myself making less eye contact, and walking with my head down.  WHAT THE EFF IS UP WITH THAT???  I mean, before, I made eye contact, I smiled, I was outgoing and I spoke to anyone and everyone.  I wanted people around me to know they were noticed, that they were important.  I also had a belief, or understanding, that people who were nice to me at 300+ lbs… were generally just NICE people, because they treated me like a human being at my weight.  Now, it’s like I can’t tell who’s nice.

For many of you it might seem like I’m making a mountain out of a molehill.  Maybe some of you think this is all just my perception, and hey, most of it probably is.  But not all of it.  There is validity to these experiences, these statements.  And now that it’s all changing so rapidly, I need to make sense of it.  Find where I fit, be okay with who and were I am – know my worth was the same before as it is now, but need to find out – who I am and HOW I am despite overcompensation, and despite trying to hide.  Am I an outgoing person?  Or was I just that way to hide my insecurities and have people see past my obvious addiction?  Or am I shy and introverted as I tend to act now, to avoid people from seeing me.  I feel very vulnerable sometimes.  Most of the time.

Maybe it will come with time, with practice, as I continue to observe and move throughout this world.  It’s kinda scary though… sometimes.

Hello all!  Guess who’s walkin’ the runway today?  Yep, that’s ME!  I’m going to be walking, wearing three gorgeous fashions from the Denver plus size boutique, “Buxom” and the beautiful designer for Plus girls, “Anna Festa“!  Respresenting plus-girl fashion, I am nervous (since I couldn’t properly get my entire head in pin curls last night AND spent the entire day in bed yesterday with a stomach bug or food poisonin!” – I am happy to say I’m feeling a lot better this morning and am ready to walk.  I will post pictures if we get anyway – but in time, I know that Buxom and AnnaFesta will have some, and I will post em!

(Should I also mention being sick had be smile when I saw a new lowest weight of, 222.8 this morning on the scale! If I’m gonna be miserable, might as well have mini-bonus! haha)

Wish me Luck!!

To you other bloggers who are awesomely way more regular than myself… how do you stay so updated?  Do you set time aside each day?  Do you find yourself thinking throughout the day “I’ve gotta blog this!”  Do you have some sort of plan on how to keep it up?  I want to blog regularly… but as you can see, I’ve been AMAZING at it!! Sarcasm is fun!  I googled the word “bad blogger” to find a photo and this one came up and I decided it was so amusing that I’d post this even though it has nottin’ to do wit’ nowt!!!

It’s like when you go to Vegas or NY and people tell you, “Bring comfortable shoes!”  No one told me this, however, I DID bring comfortable shoes and boyyyy… am I glad!

Those hills are insane!  Seriously!  Photos do NOT do the place justice!  We were riding down those famous SF cable cars, and I felt like we were at a 45 degree angle doing up/down and I’d snap a photo, already imagining the disbelief on my parent’s faces – and no… looks nearly FLAT in the photo! Haha!  Okay, not flat, but my lil’ point-n-shoot cam did not do those hills justice!  I’m really happy that we visited San Fran at my current weight of 230 and NOT of my over 300-self.  Readers, readers – don’t get me wrong – I still loved traveling at my highest weight – but when you’re walking for hours up hills like THAT?  Suddenly bouncing my rear all back and forth in hiphop class and getting the “skinny” mocha latte’s (with a frown whilst ordering) became all the more worth it.

When I think of being in Vegas, for example – my overwhelming memory is of how much my feet hurt, my hips hurt, my lower back hurt… and I’d measure where we were going to go by distance/pain level.  I went there a few years back for WPPI, photographer’s convention and I remember each time I was in my hotel room thinking – “Ggahh… I’ve got a level 8 foot/back pain coming because the next event is wayyyy over THERE! “  or similar “Michelle want to meet THERE for dinner?… maybe I’m not that hungry afterall…”  Lol, oh man.

Oh, let’s also not forget, my flight to San Antonio, TX last summer – I was at the VERY END of my seat belt, just one inch away from needing an expander.  (Probably would have been way safer for me to have one) and this time?  I had like 8 inches hangin’ around to spare – that made for a way more comfortable trip.  I remember getting “looks” on the plan from the person sitting next to me, like “Oh man, I guess I won’t get to share the arm rest…”  Thinking about such things makes me sad, in fact.  The way we plus sizers not only have to navigate the world, but the way we’re treated by others.  It’s like hey, I already have a hard time – you don’t need to ADD to it!  Yep, and at 230 lbs, my friends – I’m still very much plus-sized.  And although I’d love to tighten up a bit here and there (nothing a little foundation garments can’t fix) I am finally able to say, I’m comfortable where I am.  I want to continue towards a healthy life, a healthier weight and size … and get my cholesteral and blood pressure down, of course, but I’m doing okay.  I was able to walk miles in San Fran at a good pace and keep it up and the appreciation I feel for my body being able to do accomplish that, really was great.

There are many things to be happy for.  Many of which I forget on a day to day basis in my usual daily grind.  But when we were in San Fran, for instance, the cable cars were often so very full.  The first couple times we used it and I was motioned to sit or stand somewhere, the alarm in my head went off “dingdingding!!! ratio of open space to size of self will NOT work out!”  But it did.  Whether you are working on getting healthy with the help of a tool like weight loss surgery, or sweatin’ it out and pushing that plate away with nothing but your will and power of the decision, I applaud and encourage you.  Even to this day, with the help of the VSG, weight loss is not easy.  I still have to decide on the grilled and healthier options – because sure, I get fuller faster, but I get hungry again in NO time.  It’s still an everyday decision to choose healthy weight loss, over unhealthy weight loss – and to strap on my jogging shoes rather than sit here at the computer and get ‘just one more thing done’.

To my lovely readers who’ve been so wonderful to send me messages of enouragement – I thank you.  It’s a never ending journey – but once you take that first step, and then the next and the next, it brings so much more into your life than you realize it could.  And it’s not just about the weight loss, but the way we move and shake in this world.  I was in San Fran, not wanting the day to end – where I can’t even tell you how many times in past vacations, or even just special nights out with my hubman, at a great concert or whatever that in my head I’d be thinking – WHEN can we GO HOOOOME – my feet/back are killing me!!  I didn’t feel that – and it brings tears to my eyes to know I am working towards a life more fully lived.

The hubman, he’s so cute!  Ten year, my love!!

The last pic is of everyone listening to the story of “the Birdman of Alcatraz” – we did the night tour.

— Oh my word!  I have to tell you something ELSE!

Okay, so every week, I bring my youngest daughter to her swim class.  Same time, each week.  For months now, she’s had a little classmate, and so while they are in class, me and her classmate’s Dad would chat – about anything from where we lived, to books we’ve read, or the kids blah blah blah… seriously, I’ve seen him every week, and we chat for a half hour, great conversation… for 5 months now?  LAST WEEK… he goes on this whole thing about the HCG diet.

Yep, I’ve heard of it.  I know a couple people who have done it, and have had great results!  But I’ve decided, no more diets for the ol’ Cole!  Just making those smart choices when I can, and gettin’ moving and groovin’ sister!  Anyway, so he’s getting so like hyped up on talking about it as I smile and listen intently, and he suddenly goes “YOU HAVE TO DO IT!  Your husband would look at you and be SOOOO HAPPY!!!”

Waittt a minute.  Exqueeze me?  You’ve met my husband?  Interesting because how in the world would YOU know what makes my husband happy?  (which just happens to be pleasingly plump ladies, my friend)  He went on and on telling me how his wife, at 5 foot 11, weighed 155 lbs.  I said “Oh wow, she must look great!” and he stops and stutters “Well.. uh… she’s not Hollywood, that’s for sure.”

I didn’t know what he meant until he continued to say… “But after the HCG diet, she now weighs 125!!”  I could have have like… powered a solar panel with how bright and shiny he then looked.  But I’m sorry… 5’11″ and 125 lbs??? Are you kidding me?  Okay.  I should not judge a thin person any more than someone should judge me.  But this was one of those times when I didn’t do much but sit quietly, with a small smile at the corner of my lips.  What can actually be said to someone who’s going OFF like this?  In the five months we’ve chatted, I had never seen him so hyped up and excited!  He was talking a mile a minute and I think that it was not time for a smack down.  Why even go there to a person who wasn’t going to hear my words?  He continued to tell me all the ways I would lose weight, how everyone I knew, my husband, family and friends would be so amazed.  Not once EVER have I told him about my desire to lose weight, nor have I ever talked about any sort of insecurities in that way.  It wasn’t my place to share that with him and it wasn’t his place to assume that about me.  I carry myself confidently – heck, even more so when I was well over 300 lbs!  I don’t give off the insecure vibe, many friends have always described me as the confident one.  What was so surprising to me was this man, making such assumptions about my life and my loved ones to think he was somehow rescuing me!  I shared it on facebook later in the day – and had so many people quip with “dont listen to him, you are lovely” – thank you lovely friends, but it’s not even about that.  What he said, I didn’t take it personally.  It didn’t hurt me and that’s the goodness-honest truth.  What was surprising was how people assume such things about you, because of your size!

I knew going back this week (this happened last week) that if he brought it up again, I would tell him my position on the issue, in a way that was more opening his eyes (hopefully) to how he was communicating with me, not about putting him down because I don’t feel he was trying to hurt me.  But he didn’t.  In fact, something tells me maybe on his own, he went home and was like “What did I just do?” – even if he didnt’ think that, he didn’t mention it even once this week.  Our conversation was cordial, although he did seem to “check” on me more.  I was fine, of course, with a smile…

What would you have done?  Do you think he was trying to be mean?  I got the vibe more like he was thinking “She’s big and I have the answer to what ails her!”  You just never know about people.  He had no clue that I’ve lost nearly 80 lbs.  Makes us think … what are we assuming about others?  Do I also have NO clue…

Hubman and I are going on vacay tomorrow!!  My mama will hang out here to watch my tots and my pets – yayee!  We won’t be gone long, but I wanted to check in with you – I know it’s been forever since I’ve done a thought-out post   But I had to just say – yayee – I weighed in this morning, a day early, since tomorrow we’ll be catchin’ a jetplane (hehe) – it was 232.8 which I am soooo excited about because I’ve been stuck at the same weight for MONTHS now  despite keeping active and making great food choices – ughghgh!  So, really happy about that.  I went down on the prednisone 5mg and I’m so happy that I haven’t had a problem with going down on it – woohoo!  I’m also working to get my water up.  I have been doing TERRIBLY at my water intake.  I don’t know what my deal is.  Seriously, really bad – like I’d have 1-2 8oz glasses a day.  What’s up with that?  I had to go back to my ol’ way of carrying around my huuuuge 64 oz jug and just carrying it everywhere with me.  That is the only way!

Okay, I am dealing with major hairloss – so that’s something I wanna discuss with ya’ll – but other than that, I’m gonna sign out here and hope you are all doing wonderful!  Wonderfully?

UPDATE:  Saturday, official weigh-in morning – thought I’d be rushing around, but of course I couldn’t sleep from fear of not waking up to the alarms or something, haha.  Anyway, my weigh-in this morning??  230.6!!! Yayeee!!!   It’s SO amazing to see scale movement after 2.5 months, especially when I had been working out and trying so hard!  Yayee!  So excited and I hope vacay doesn’t derail me too terribly!

I’m watching today’s episode of Oprah – woohoo DVR!  And listening to Jennifer Hudson talk about her weight loss.  She was reluctant to tell how much weight she’s lost – which is interesting how it seems like the WW rep didn’t want her to talk about ‘the number’… but she revealed the number – 80 lbs.  Amazing!  She looks so wonderful.  How gorgeous she is.  And she even has wobbly bits – which makes me feel so much better about my wobbly bits.   I cried a bit when she cried about the loss of her family members.  Boohoo!  I have my health issues that trod and weigh on me everyday.  (Especially today, my rash from hell is trying to come back – sad panda) – but I still have my parents, and my brother and his family.  My husband and children are in good health and oh wow – I would rather have all these health issues than see any of them go through it.

The 235 number is HUGE for me.  It means… a LOT.  This was the weight I was when I first met my husband.  I was at that weight for a couple weeks and then it was up since then.

I gained over 50 lbs our first year of marriage, and so “getting back to 235″ has always been this… elusive dreamy number.  Of course I’ve always wanted to get even lower, but that’s been my first “big” goal.  Every time I started a weight loss regimen, 235 was one of “those” goals.  I reached it this morning.  235.0.

Wow.  I’m very proud of myself.  It didn’t feel like “shazam!” when I saw it on the scale, but it’s been on my mind on and off all day.  I really am proud of myself.  And it’s weird to say so – hah – but I am.  I’m here.  I’ve arrived.  Anything lower than this, is going to be amazing.  I feel great today.  Mind and body, so it’s really wonderful.

235.  Anything lower than this, is ALL NEW for my hubby!  That’s pretty cool, huh?

I also did some shopping today.  I had a goal “No-spend January” and unfortunately I broke that today.  But having reached 235, cut me some slack!  I bought two pairs of “skinny” jeans – lol.  I’ll have to take a photo and post it here!  I also got a bathing suit, new jacket and two tops.  To wear in San Fran, of course!  (Hubby and I are celebrating our 10 year anniversary soon! )

So I just had to say.  Wow.  235!!

___ Also – not sure if anyone noticed, but I’ve had  weight loss stall that has lasted about 2 months now.  I have been tracking my calories on myfitnesspal.com and exercising nearly every day!

I’ve been working on writing down what I eat.  I know that’s a common, successful tool.  Most days, I don’t track my days til the end – I taper off around mid-late afternoon.  But for the past week, I’ve been making more of an effort.  I’ve been keeping track on a post-it note for many of those days, and then I also was directed to myfitnesspal.com, and have found it to be an excellent tracking resource for both food and exercise.  It’s kind of like a health-based facebook lol.  I have been a part of several food/exercise tracking sites, but so far, really like this one.  So if you’re interested, check it out!  It’s not overly busy with all sorts of gadgets, so I like it!

I’ve been focusing on getting my protein first.  That’s a big key with my nutrition these days and sometimes I slack off.  But I’ve been refocused and it’s been helping keep me full, which is great.  I’ve been talking myself out of the here-and-there-grazing, too.  Because it’s hard to track the grazing and calorie wise, it really adds up!

I’ve also been getting to the gym.  Yes, still!  I was in CORE class last night with hubman.  On my elbows and toes in plank-position-hell.. and I look over to my right (abs and … pretty much everything shaking) I see my hubman.  It’s been a wish of mine for the past 10 years to get my husband to take an interest in fitness and working out… and it’s something I just can’t get used to.  I feel SO happy that he’s attending the gym with me.  All I can say is, never say never… not about yourself and certainly not about another person!  Yayee hubman!

The scale has budged down a bit – which is sooooo excellent and exciting.  I want desperately to reach that 235 lbs that you all know is a huge goal of mine!  I weighed in at 237 this morning… so just 2. MORE. POUNDS!

Wish me luck, all!  I want to stay dialed in.  I want to work and make happen something that I’ve said that I want so much.  Something that I’ve invested so much in.  I need to give 100% for something that I say that I want – not complain and wonder why 50% is getting me there!!

I did Core two nights ago – tough!  And hip hop last night.  I am SO jazzed by the fact that hubman is wanting to go to the gym.  We don’t often work out together – sometimes we do the elipticals or treadmills together, but it just feels nice to know he’s around.  While I was in hip hop, I could see out of the room through the glass and see him working out with weights.  It feels good inside to know we’re both chasing after a healthful life.  It’s something I’ve always wanted.

This morning, I was really pleased to see 240 on the scale.  I just am desperate to hit 235.  That’s been a goal of mine since I met hubman for the first time and I got SO close several weeks ago, but then things started going back up with the meds and retaining water and increased appetite and all.  But I’m working hard!  I want it so much!

Our 10 year anniversary is coming soon and we’re gonna go on a mini-vacay to San Fran!  We’re very excited!  So, how cool would it be for me to hit 235 by then.  The weight I was when we met!  That being said, I look at photos and know for sure I don’t look the same… my body has changed so much since 18 years old, 2 kids and 11 years later, lol.  But still, I want it.  I feel like it will really … do something to me in my head… reaching this elusive number.  I wonder…

Anyway, no gym tonight.  I have a lot of work to do, but I’m gonna get up now and bring the pooch on a long walk for some cardio