Anyway, over the weekend I was completely useless, so much so that I ended up staying at my moms so she could help with the kids.  I am on meds but don’t feel like my throat got the memo, it’s painful to swallow, I can’t sleep… ugh.  Anyway, weight loss is again, low on my list – I just want to be able to function!  Anyway, I haven’t weighed myself in a while, but I am dealing with some new issues with self esteem.

Weird.  This blog is so not a weight blog, it’s just a “What’s happening in Coley’s head NOW?” haha… I’ll have to chat about that soonish, but it’s ugh, not a good thing.  Anywho – I’m doing alright, though!  Just learning more about myself, and that means my weaknesses, all the time – gotta strengthen those – it’s all part of the living, growing process that is getting to be the best me, right?

The rest of the day, I chose water over other drinks and limited myself to one diet soda – which eventually I will cut down to very ocassionally, but for now, these baby steps are working for me – and making me feel like less of a complete failure and that does wonders for the soul, too.

Today, after coming back from dropping my oldest at school, I put the 3yo on her bike and we took the dog for a walk in the sunshine – SUCH a wonderful break from all the grey, snow and drear we’ve been having since SEPTEMBER, it seems.  So, yay, I got in a few more steps.  I’m still planning on getting to the gym today – so that will make me really smile.

SO yeah, that’s what I’m up to – gradual approach.  I’m hoping this gradual approach and breaking away from “everything is failure if not perfection” will do me a lot of good.  Because maybe it will become easy, habit even, so when I introduce other life changes, it won’t be so overwhelming!

“A Buddhist principle is that all suffering is in the mind. I pondered this concept: beauty suffering is grounded in the mind. If I eliminate or change what I think about and focus on, then it follows that I can end my suffering and struggle with my body. My body is not the root of my suffering, my mind is. And equally, my body is not the root of my happiness, my mind is.

{Let that sink in a moment}

It’s all within, and it is all about YOU“

That is an excerpt from Steph’s blog, Back in Skinny Jeans.

I have only stumbled upon her blog today, but I’m eager to read more

Because reading that alone, not that I didn’t know it already, the simplicity of the statement really helps me.

Even though what I have going on doesn’t feel simple, and it will need time and help working out the kinks – it is what it is and I need to move forward and not bring everything to a halt while I work on the stuff.  So yeah, had to share that – it meant a lot to me and a great way to start my day!

But I’m back here to check on your blogs, root you on and hope you can keep doing the same for me!  I appreciate all of you who check on me from time to time, it means a lot not to feel given up on or forgotten even though I tend to do it to myself a lot.  So, THANK YOU

I’m not sure what’s coming for me, but there is a little  smile, that is curiously looking forward to it… and to also see what I can make happen for myself!

It’s so important for me to keep up with YOU guys.  I checked on many of your blogs today and already it’s got my mind really, really wanting to join you again in fighting the good fight.  It’s not that I’m NOT doing it, but it’s slow going…

Anyway, reading your blogs woke me up a bit, shook me up a bit.  Reminded me that this is a journey, not a race.  There are bends in the road… but that doesn’t mean I’m not moving forward!

The title, btw, was an excerpt from a sonnet by Hartley Cooleridge.  I was introduced to it by one of my favorite movies “Sense and Sensibility” – ahhh.  Even if you’re not into period films – I’m not always, this one really touched me – love it!

It’s not like I’m rarin’ to go and get back on track, lose weight and stuff – but there is a new awareness, a new hope inside of me.  I’m going to continue on this journey, but allow myself to take it slower.  Make small changes, slowly and over time with the plan that it will make them more permanent changes, so that with each new habit I bring forth, it will be easier – not so many things at once.  I know this will be the key for long-lasting success.
I had my appt with the new counselor on Sunday morning.  It was difficult, actually.  She is really wonderful and perfect for this need, I think.  Very supportive and understanding.  That being said, she is also action based, which is exciting for me.  I will have to see her every couple of weeks as it’s all out of pocket to pay for.  Thing is, she wants me to stop focusing on losing weight for a month or two.  This is hard for me since with Slimgenics, you prepay for your time and if I ‘take this break’ to work from the inside, out, then I will be losing the time I’ve already paid for with Slimgenics.  That being said, I completely see where she’s coming from. While we work on the inside stuff, the behaviors will be easier for me to follow, to commit to, it won’t be this constant drowning feeling that I tend to have the past several months (or my whole life) when it comes to weight loss.  At least, that is our goal.

Anywho, things from my past that have beeh haunting me for years, have suddenly taken a more direct approach.  They’ve been shouting and refusing to be ignored and pushed down – so now is the time to take them head on so that I can finally move forward.

Move forward into growth, or backward into safety.

~ Abraham Maslow

]]> http://sugarshakes.com/2010/02/22/a-new-week/feed/ 1 sugarshakes http://sugarshakes.com/2010/02/17/addictions/ http://sugarshakes.com/2010/02/17/addictions/#comments Wed, 17 Feb 2010 21:35:15 +0000 sugarshakes http://sugarshakes.com/?p=1170 ]]> I contacted an addictions and eating disorders counselor today.  She doesnt take insrance, so this wont be cheap.  But yknow what, Im gonna go to one meeting with her – what’s the harm, eh.  Fingers crossed i get closer to figuring my shit out and stop letting it hold me down over and over again.

My throat hurts really badly and I can’t breathe well, not to mention I have that Labyrithitis again, which is SOOO difficult to just be awake with, let alone manage a house and kids.  UGH!   So bleh, sorry I’m whinging, but my biggest worry is that I’m off with my eating and today going to try hard to get back on track but as you all know, those “first days back” are so darn tough.

How did your Valentine’s day go?  Mine was lovely (other than being sickish, of course)  I’m so happy to say it was lovely, too, because I’ve had many not-so-lovely ones the past few years.  5 and 4 years ago, hubman and I were in a not-so-lovely part of our relationship, so they were just ok.  Three years ago, we had just separated only two weeks before – so NOT good at all.  Last year, he had JUST moved back in and I had a hard time being in the same room as him, it just felt so unnatural to share the house again with someone who I felt I had been in a war with the previous year.  And after all the hard work we’ve put into it, patience, perseverance and all those things that marriage takes – I’m so, so proud and pleased to say I had a great Valentine’s day!

Hubman got me Super Mario World, the new on for the Wii – mostly for me and my 5 year old, as she always wants to play a game with me but her little video games are one players – this should be interesting – ha!  And he also got me those really ugly looking Sketchers shoes with the round bottoms.  Yes, Yes, I know, they’re so WEIRD looking.  However, I was doing some reading as to why I saw so many women wearing them and what the big deal was that they’d put aside how strange looking they were?  And I was really intrigued to read that it helped many of them with back pain.  I’ve been having so much back pain that we’ve been looking into a new mattress, I’ve been putting so much effort everyday into paying attention to my posture as well.  So, he was able to find those things in my size (they only came in the style – extra ugly since I wear a hard-to-find size) but I was amazed when I put them on how much impact, pressure and weight they take off of your spine  when you walk, it’s like the pressure is put more on your arch, but so evenly that it doesn’t hurt there either, and immediately my back felt “cured” – although we’ll see the long term impact of them, because my back still hurt when I took them off.  Also, though, they’re called “Shape-Ups” because they’re supposed to work-out your legs and butt.  I don’t know if I’ll see any difference, but I do notice a slight tension in my butt when I walk, but mostly I notice my calves burning after a while – it’s not so obvious that it feels like a strenuous workout, but you do notice the difference.  Anyway, I do recommend them at this point – but I sure wish they came in more styles in my big ol’ size!  The photo to the right are NOT the ones I have, but mine are all white, and so a photo of them pretty much looks like a photo of nothing, they blend in with the background, lol.

Anyway, maybe after a month or so, I can give a review of them

Okay!  So, that’s about it – had a great Valentine’s day, and other than being sick, am in good spirits

How are YOU?

Of course I am  happy with the loss, however there is a part of me that is like – blurgh!  Because I could have done better, but I can’t be mad at that – I just have to realize it was a success!  So, shoosh Coley on having to find the pooh in everything!!

I am pleased with the loss and heck, I’d be lucky to have that loss each week.  My concern has been that I’ve been working SO. HARD. and then on the evening I inhale whatever is in sight – even when I’m not hungry, I do it (so I realized last night).  Last night, I started to nosh on hershey’s kisses, the potty-rewards for my youngest.  I bought them knowing I do NOT like Hersheys. They’ve been there for months and of course now I start to poke at them.  So, I had several last night and I was like – alright, I feel satisfied now, I don’t need anything else.  Then I baked cookies, at FOUR of them and inhaled a slice of cherry pie (that I dont even care for cherry pie and its been sitting in the fridge for a while now, slowly being pecked at by my husband.)  I purposely got cherry pie because I don’t care for cherries.  So, what this what meant to say was – even when Im not interested in the things in my house, I find myself inhaling them at night – and practically undoing the HARD work and incredible food choices that I have been making each day.  SO, I’m lucky that I lost weight – however, Im actually up from last Friday – sigh!

I really want to continue this week STRONG, and of course i want to continue forever strong.  Something I am also celebrating other than my lovely weight loss, is the fact that my mind and resolve is still strong and I believe, strengthening – even when it takes a dip each day (yes, each day) I’m still here – and honestly, that’s something to be happy about

He’s so right.  Of course this isn’t a new concept, but lately I’ve been “getting it” more than before.  Being back on the program, pretty much all the foods I eat have an expiration date, a very quick one.  And that’s what they say, eat food that rots. LOL.  We stay away from boxed and canned foods, for instance.  That being said – I’m not perfect of course, and I eat other things.  Yesterday I noshed on something a bit before looking at it and was thinking “What IS this… it will do NOTHING for me, just go through.”  It’s only purpose is taste, really.  My body will deal with my decision to put it in my mouth and churn it through, like the faithful machine that it is.

Yesterday, I ate off track.  I didn’t want to because the night before I had my “indulgent meal”.  So, instead of an entire splurge day, I wanted to keep it to just one meal per week.  Then when I cohosted that party, there were finger foods flying left and right which caused my new resolve to fly straight out the window.  My body was really irritated with me.  It bubbled and churned all night and I looked SO bloated before I went to bed, too.  Weird!

I’m looking forward to eating well again today.  That being said, I’m frustrated that my family has planned this BBQ today (despite SNOW outside) – because my bro and sis-in-law are coming into town to pick up their kids who have been at my moms for the weekend.  I so wish my family was the type who’d spend time with a hike instead… but I know this is a common thing – and how could I ever get them to think differently about it?  Most people celebrate togetherness with food – but it seems to be the only way my family does.  For my birthday, I told everyone I wanted to go bowling instead.  We all had so much fun!  But haven’t done an active thing since (unless it’s after the load of food, LOL)

Sigh, oh well.  I’m going to have to learn to navigate these days if I’m going to have permanent success.  So, even though my body is back on the sugar cravings, I’m going to bring my food to the get together today and try try try to survive it well.