I’m watching that show, “Heavy”, have you seen it?  I dvr’ed it.  I think today is the first day it’s on.  In the beginning it said, “Nearly 100 million Americans are debilitatingly obese.”  Is debilitatingly a word?  It said something like that.  Hubman rolled his eyes when he read that.  But I think what they meant was, being obese is debilitating.  Not saying that nearly 100 million Americans are at THAT point – like the people on the show today – but that being Obese is bad.  It’s unhealthy.  And being obese reaches many, many parts of your life.  I think my husband believes he’s fairly unaffected by his weight.  Hubman isn’t fat by any means.  He doesn’t look it to me at all.  That being said, he has gained body fat and his bmi is 30.7.  It’s kinda shocking to think that he qualifies on some bmi charts as obese.  But I also think that he doesn’t remember what it was like t be 185, and so he can’t really compare how great he could feel?  When we got married, he was 185 – so since then he’s gained an average of 3.5 lbs per year.  That’s amazing, I have to say.  I put on SO much more (lol! oh man) and so I can see how he doesn’t “feel” the difference.

We don’t talk about it often, but when we do, I know he wants both of us to be fit.  And it’s a wonderful thing to feel like he’s becoming more involved in our health.  We did Core class together tonight, in fact.  That’s so good for us, not just physically but also, emotionally and relationship-wise.

Ohhh – just now, the girl on tonight’s episode, “Jodi”, reached the 200′s!!  She’s out of the 300′s!  She worked so hard.  She shed some tears.  I wonder how I will feel when (ugh, it’s hard to say when) I reach the 100′s.  When I get under 200… that seems like this thing that has been out of reach and dang near impossible.  My mind partially feels like it is still impossible… hm… why do I believe that?  It’s NOT impossible, girl!  You can have that.  Hard work will get you there!  And y’know what, if the vsg doesn’t take you all the way, and you won’t be able to blame prednisone forever… you can have this.  You can, you can, YOU CAN!

Alright, people – so, so far this show “Heavy” is a good watch.  It is on… A&E, so check it out!  Oh yeah, so when hubman and I were first watching this, he made some comments that weren’t very nice.  He doesn’t know what it’s like to be morbidly obese, and worry not, I said something back.  And he apologized to me, AND our daughter who overheard him.  I certainly don’t need her to be judging or haterish about heavy people.  Heck-to-the-no.  He didn’t realize what he sounded like.   I have such a … soft place for  morbidly obese people.  I understand.  I hope one day I can help.  I don’t know how, but I want to help.

But I have a tendency to help everyone and put everyone in front of me.  I don’t … maybe I do consciously do it… but it’s been pointed out to me recently that I do too much for other people.  I do it for me, too, though.  I like to help. I like to be busy.  And I feel like I get SO much help from others.  But I do know, I need to focus inward and know that I have a lot within me that needs to be cared for, so that I can continue to be there for my loved ones.

This was an all over the place entry.  That tends to happen with me, doesn’t it?  Thank you for continuing with me, my reading troopers.

So, did you see the episode?  What did you think?  And when it comes to “putting others first’ – we so often hear that we need to put ourselves first.  I’ve heard it for years, but I only now think I am sorta-kinda getting what it means.  What does it mean to you?  I’m very curious as I’m trying to grasp it, and learn myself.

I went to Hip Hop last night and just LOVED it.  I love how I’ve done this class pretty often for the past couple of years.  Even though I haven’t gone regularly for over 6 months, I’ve done the class enough to just remember how it feels.  And I am just amazed how these days – even though I’m “new” again at it, I can gauge my progress by how I get through the class.  I am able to jump through the movements more energetically, instead of dragging along to just make it through the moves – I march between the moves, when half or more of the class is standing around, it’s really neat how much of a difference weight loss makes.

But weight loss… itself is at such a stall.  I know it has partly to do with the prednisone, but as I went through the paperwork that my surgeon sent me home with, I know that I’m not ‘working the program’ like I really should.  So, I’ve been making plans of action on how to get the scale moving again.  It might be slow-going because of the health issues, but if nothing else, I want the GAINING of weight to stop.  Yep, I’ve been gaining.  A lot of it has to be water-weight because recently while playing Bunco with my mom’s group, someone snapped a pic and my face looks like it did when I was over 300 lbs.  I may have mentioned this before.  It’s disheartening.  It’s a bummer.  But I can only do what I can, and that’s continue to make healthful choices.  Because of the surgery there are things I can no longer tolerate.  The biggest of those things are soda and bread.  Two of my most favorite things!  And I won’t lie and say I didn’t miss them greatly, even MOURN them for a while.  But no longer craving them to such a degree has been a huge help.  My food choices are tons healthier now.  The junk food, specifically my bingey triggers, no longer hold the same strength that they used to.  But whereas having the VSG helped stop my binge behavior, its a surgery that can be “worked around” in a bad way, too.  Like I could probably eat quite a high number of calories each day, just by grazing all day long! It’s hard to admit, but it’s the truth – I still have to remind myself several times a day, “You’ve just eaten.  It’s just head hunger.  You just ate.  You’re not really hungry!”

Like so many people on the boards say, “They operated on our stomachs, not our heads.” And that’s definitely something I’m becoming aware of.  So, the next few weeks, as I will record here, I am going to start making small changes to get my habits, my head, going in the right direction

Although I haven’t walked my beautiful doggie everyday like I was planning on doing, as we’ve had tons of snow here in Colorado, I have been making efforts to be active every single day – and it feels wonderful!

I’m so happy you came into my life.  Now please leave…. without making me sick without you.  You’re making my face huge.  You’re making me bald.  I feel like a blimp.  Then I see photos of myself and realize I’m not.  What are you doing to me?  You give me beautiful relief from mystery illness… yet you keep me up at night.  My face will soon resemble a perfect circle.  I guess it’s nice to have one perfect thing…

I read the long-terms affects of having you in my life, and I do NOT like them.  Yet, I find myself grasping onto you in your cute Target bottle with the purple ring… so happy that you’re here to help me another day.

I feel like no one knows what I’m going through.  Has anyone else here used prednisone long term, especially very high doses?  How long will my face be this way?  My appetite?  I don’t want osteoporosis!  Not to mention the fact that I’m going BALD… ughh!!!  I know it’s vanity… but unless you’ve experience drastic hair loss and you’re a girl… dont’ fuss with me.

Okay, so YOU haven’t betrayed my tiny trust… but I’m feeling like that kitteh right now… all sad.  Bleh.

Hubman and I just got into it, with no resolution to be found.  Ugh.  Marriage is SO tough, isn’t it?  This day has been quite trying for me.  (Oh yeah, and hubman hasn’t betrayed my tiny trust either, it was just a fight about everything, blah blah blah, money especially – UGH! – but we won’t go there all publicly like this.  Bah.)  Anywho, like I said… it’s been a tough day!  I mean, it’s weird how it all happens all at once, isn’t it?  Grrr.

Started with all sorts of unrelated things causing me stress and concern.  Different things, and I dunno, I guess in affecting my mood, I seemed to maybe through the law of attraction, just more blah stuff seemed to find it’s way to me.  I guess.

Not to mention I stepped on the scale this morning and saw… 243.  UGH.  Seriously.  Ridiculous.  I told my mom about it and she just said it was the prednisone.  Even though I’ve gone down 10 mg in the last coupe of weeks, she said it’s accumilative.  Like, just over time of it being in your system.  That sucks, because I’m gonna continue to be on prednisone for months.  I already have chipmunk cheeks and a bloated middle to show for it.  In fact, someone tagged a photo of me on facebook today that was… horrendous.  I looked exactly like I did seventy pounds ago.  I don’t want to be a hater and be negative.  In the past, gaining 4 lbs would have been no big deal.  But when you’ve taken such a huge step as I have, with surgery and all, seeing that is not only disheartening, but SCARY.  This internal fear of “failing” – being “one of those” who has surgery and GAINS it all back.  Despite the fact that I really put a lot of effort into making healthy, nutrient rich food choices each and every day.  Saying no to the juice and yes to the water, saying no to the processed foods and yes to the whole.  Saying no to eating late and snacking and just keeping busy with other things.  Surgery was never the “easy” way out.  Never.  Anyway, that’s for another day to talk about.

So yeah, a tough day.  And then to end the day off with tears – ughghgh.  Major groan.  I’ve got a lot going on, stressful things that demand a lot of time and … heck, my life is no different than anyone elses very full, abundant, demanding life.  I haven’t forgotten my blessings, too.  And yes, the day could always be worse.  I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but hey, it’s my blog and I’m gonna flippin’ whine now and then, ok, especially after days like today.  Just adding in there, that I am in and out o the docs twice a week – had an appt on Friday and still no friggin leads on what the HECK is going on with my body.  We just changed my meds around… with hope that somehow it will solve all this.  Meh.

Okay, what a downer this post is.  Sorry.  And total rambling as well.  I had one of those times today where I was thinking – could I just pack up my car, my dog and my kids and drive off somewhere for a year?  Somewhere warm, a smaller town, live a smaller, simple life for a little while?  It’s a blessing in many ways to have a busy life, I realize that.  But I … just need a break!  But my kids are a lot in themselves, and they’d be comin’ with me lol – and my illness isn’t bound to the Denver Metro area either, so it’d be packed for the ride, too.  Along with countless other issues – like the fact that I will be going with myself… HA!

Why does it seem now that we make twice as much money (still not rich, btw, don’t get any ideas) as we did 10 years ago, that we seem even poorer now?  Mo’ money, mo’ problems – right Biggie?  Thing is, our paycheck might be bigger, but then so are what we are signed up with.  More monthly expenses, so it doesn’t even seem like we have more money!  UGH!!!  Okay, enough of that.

I’d love some encouragement here.  I know you guys have always been wonderfully encouraging – but in the arena of marriage – I wouldn’t mind hearing some tips from some experienced marrieds.  Hubman and I will celebrate our 10 year anniversary, soon.  So, we’re not clueless.  We know that marriage takes constant effort and … consideration.  What are your main issues with your relationships?  Do you argue about money?  I have two married friends, they NEVER argue about money.  They both work and have separate accounts and split everything.  I can’t even imagine that being off the table like that!  Alas, I’m a stay at home mom who very occassionally gets paid to take photos.  I don’t have enough payflow to pay for anything.  I’m upping my lookin’ for a job efforts, though, with hopes that it will help.  But from previous experience, I have a feeling we will just expand our needs to fit the budget – UGH!!!  That would suck.

My body is complaining at me for making it work.  Y’know when you just get back into fitness and you’re doing something so menial and it’s like “Woo, I have a muscle there?” hahah… I was pouring tea just a moment ago and ‘discovered’ a sore muscle (or five) in my back and triceps.  Also this morning as I sat to put my shoes on – yargh!!  It’s good, though.  I didn’t overdo it, feels just right.

I don’t know if I’m in a “stall” or what.  My weight has refused to budge for the past month or so and it’s SUCH a bummer.  Especially since I’ve been tracking my food and really making great decisions that I’m proud of.  I’m gonna continue on with those decisions because I know they are balanced and healthy, but it really is frustrating.  I have to give myself a break as I have lost a lot of weight since last summer, but it still is irritating because I can’t help but compare myself to other’s weight loss over on the WLS boards and I wonder if I’m at a “real stall” of it it’s just  because of the prednisone.  Keep on keepin’ on, right.  Do what’s healthy…

Another thing I’m gonna bring into my daily healthy changes is water.  I’m sure I’ve mentioned it here before, but I became a bit of a juice addict – sure, I mix with ice and stuff, or I go the crystal light route… or I drink light juice – my fave being Trop50 OJ.  But I need to return to good ol’ water.  I used to be a chugger, but after surgery when I wasn’t able to fit a lot in and trying to get calories for energy from anywhere, juice was an easy place to turn.  But now, I don’t need those excess calories!

Also, due to some stomach pain I was dealing with (really bad actually) I ended up stopping drinking coffee.  Boohoo!  I am now a two cup o’ tea drinker.  My British hubman of 10 years I’m sure is pleased about this as I can now finally make a perfect cuppa!

What are you guys “working towards” – Resolutions?  Or some mini-goals?

It’s been like 6 months since I’ve gone to hip hop.  My ol’ faithful readers know I used to go twice a week.  I think I may have gone ONCE in the past 6 months.  Terrible, I know, but moving on!  I went today, and I didn’t think I was gonna get through it as I’ve been feeling really weird lately – like my blood sugar is all over the place.  But anyway, I went – and not only did I get through it, but I got through it strong!  I pushed myself when I wanted to lullagag AND I got a 2nd AND a 3rd wind.  So amazing what our bodies are capable of!  I’m really proud that I did it. 

I don’t know WHAT’S up with me, but I have a clue.  But I had to document this triumph!!  Okay, so I haven’t been sleeping well for MONTHS.  As you know, weirdo health issues.  Itchy rash horrendousness.  First, the itchy rash from hell was keeping me up.  Then it was the medications that kept me awake – even though they helped evil rash.  So, needless to say, I’ve been getting horrible sleep the past few months.  Even though two of the meds I was given are supposed to make me sleepy, and also combat the fact that another med would keep me awake – I went to sleep fine, but staying asleep is the issue.  If I wake up to go to the bathroom, or if hubman snores, or anything… I stay awake.  Bah!!

So, anywho, I had started to take a Tylenol PM to see if that would help me.  It kinda-sorta seemed to.  Then it ran out.  Oh well, I wasn’t in a rush to get more as I didn’t notice it helping hugely.  But then my rash came back a few nights ago.  See emotion below. 

So, sometimes advil would help the inflammation, so I went out and got some Advil PM.  Without thinking (that’s when problems usually happen) I also took another sleep-inducing med for itching… and lo and behold… I didn’t wake even ONCE during the night.  WOW!  Problem is, I wasn’t able to force myself out of bed til 11am this morning.  Yes, 1 hour before NOON.  UNHEARD OF. Thank GOODNESS hubman was home to care for the children – I would have been useless!!

Problem is, even though I took those meds last night – I am still woozy and drunk feeling.  I’ve never been drunk, actually, but I would assume this disorientedness is kinda similar.  Blehhh.

BUT onto the GOOD stuff.  EVEN THOUGH I feel this way.  I still took the doggie on a walkies!! Yes, yes I did!  I thought the fresh air and movement might help get this stuff outta my system.  I stumbled and slipped TWICE in the snow… but I kept going.  Kept moving forward.  Doggie got a wonderful, long walk and I got exercise!  Since I was kid-free, I took it at a brisk pace and got my heart rate up  and got rosy red cheeks going and booty cheeks burning as we went up and down hills.  I’m so proud of myself for getting in movement even though I have every reason to just rot on the couch, hoping I don’t harm myself with this wooziness.   So yeah – woohoo!
EDITED TO ADD:

Because recently hubby told me how much we pulled out of savings in the past two months.

Because I don’t NEED anything, except to be reminded of the difference between want and need.

Because my time and money is worth more than clothes, shoes and accessories.

Because I can rediscover and get inventive with the things I already have.

Because because because many many worthy reasons… I am going to join Christina in her No Spend January.

Care to join us?

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!!

Guess where I went the first of this year?  I went to the GYM!!  Thing is, it’s not really a New Year’s Resolution of mine to go the gym.  It was more like, it’s FREEZING outside, snow all over – what can we DO… that’s … free?  (Or already paid for haha)  So, we were off to the gym to get the kids running around in the child center and hey, get hubman and I moving as well.  It was a good workout, although a bit cut short, it went well.  Hubman and I were planning on doing 20 minutes of cardio, then doing resistance training, and then finish off with another 20 minutes of cardio.  Sounded like a plan.  We did 20 min on the elliptical and I had this random idea – let’s try 5 minutes on the stair master.  Y’know, that thing that looks like an escalator?  Well, brilliant idea not-so-much.  That thing knackered me in 5 minutes WAY worse than 20 minutes on the elliptical.  I was exhausted, breathing heavily and everything and just begging for the time to pass.  Crazy!  I was happy when it was over.  But proud that I got through it.  Hubman, though, started to feel light headed and woozy.  Uh oh!  We did some abs and triceps, but after that he looked really sick and pale, so we went downstairs to hang in the cafe and have a snack.  I had a Mix 1, of course, and he had a light muscle milk.  Poor guy was feeling horrible, so we cut our workout to just that and had some nice time chatting and hanging out.

After that, I sat in the eucalyptus steam room – so nice!!  And then had a shower where my children weren’t banging on the door asking for juice, or flapping around the shower curtain, creating a bathroom monsoon.  Seriously – everytime I go to the gym and have a steam room relax and a shower, I wonder WHY WHY WHY I don’t get to the gym more often – for just THIS part.  Such a huge reward!!

As for resolutions, I do have a few in mind.  But in my head, and from past experience, I see resolutions as things that certainly DO NOT come to fruition, so I almost am tempted to make resolutions for things I do NOT want to happen!  Silly, eh?  But trying to keep positive, here are my three resoultions.

1.  Walk my dog, every day.  Even if it’s a short walk, just once around the block, I need to walk her for HER.  She’s such a wonderful pooch, she deserves to have more time spent on her in that way.  Plus, maybe – just maybe – it will be the first step to having a more obedient dog!  She zig-zags something terrible on the leash – so she needs better leash habits.  And like Cesar Milan says, I must “master the walk!”… as step one to having an awesome dog.

2.  Organize!  On the new tv network, OWN, I’ve scheduled to DVR the Peter Walsh show.  He’s that clutter guy who helps people organize their homes.  I also signed up for his emails.  I want to get organized!!  We live in a small house, and have lived here for nearly 10 years now.  Because of the economy and the way houses have NOT gained in value, looks like we’ll be stuck here for a few more years.  Kinda sucky, but we’re lucky to still have a home we can afford, so hurray to that, and I’m looking forward to doing what I can to make it less stressful to live in small quarters – even though we moved here with just the two of us and two cats, and now we’ve expanded by two children and a large dog.

3.  Volunteer!  I really want to make volunteering a priority.  Even if it’s just once day a month.  I want to participate and “give” more.  I’d love to involved my girls, too.  So we’ll see what’s out there.  I’m drawn to doing volunteer work for animal shelters, but I’m gonna carve out some time to see how else we can help.    I mean, my time is sort of limited because I often have my young children with me – so hopefully I can find something I can do for a few hours when they’re in school and I’m kid-free, or something I can do with them or take them with me.

There are of course many other things I want to dedicate my time to but those are already things I’m doing – so these are the main new ones.

I’m finishing out January 1st on a good note.  Sipping on some tea and generally feelin’ fine.  Feeling blessed and honored to be in the skin that I’m in.  It’s been a good “holiday” season, and I’m looking forward, to looking forward

I just got finished watching a DVR’ed episode of this show.  I believe it airs on MTV.  I have to say, I found it really exciting and moving!  It showed the weight loss journey over a few months of a high school graduate.  She had a personal trainer EVERY. SINGLE. DAY who guided her as she lost around 90 lbs in 111 days!  Isn’t that crazy?  She looked incredible at the end of it.  A real athlete!  I mean, she worked out HARD and really transformed her body!

Now that my weight loss from surgery has slowed down (although this also could do with the fact that I’m on insane amounts of prednisone for my mystery disease), I’ve been getting intrigued and excited to see what is possible if I commit to exercise.  Like the ultimate in body modification!  lol.

I know I told you guys I’d be opening up a new blog soon, and my friend and I still plan on doing it.  We’re meeting up this Friday in fact to get things started up.  However, it’s going to be sort of fashion/craft focused – not sure if I’ll be discussing health there.  But we shall see… I might hang out here a bit more, either way I’ll letcha know.

Just to catch you all up on my mysterdy disease… we still do not have a name for it.  I’ve been in and out of the docs, in fact, I have another appt tomorrow.  HOpefully we’ll have some news on what it actually is, but I’m not holding my breath.  I HAVE had a good breakthrough, though.  I started a new medication that they were hesitant to put me on, but I guess not knowing where to turn, they decided to try it out last week and it’s been working AMAZINGLY!!!  I’m so so so very pleased – although, admittedly, looking up the possible side effects online have me a bit frightened.  But for those of you who have prayed and thought of me… thank you, because for the last week I’ve had a wonderful break from the symptoms and it’s been such a blessing… to just feel a bit more normal.  (Except for sleep, I’m getting NO sleep thanks to the pile of meds I’;m on – bah!)

So, we’ll see how the news about my health progresses… but I hope to get the a-ok to start exercising soon as I’m RARIN’ to go.

FOr instance, I took my dog to the dog park recently.  And to get to the gate, you have to walk down this long dirt path.  My dog was a bit coocoo and acting wild, so I wanted her to burn off a bit of energy before we entered.  So I decided to jog her down the path, instead of our usual walk.  Not only was I able to jog, but I seemed to hit a stride where I was able to just keep going.  It was a thrill and if it weren’t for lovely laziness and having reached the gate already, I wonder how much further I could have gone!?

Anyway, I don’t know how many people will stumble upon this entry.  But I just wanna say a hello to you all.  I want to catch up and see how you are all doing.  I hope you’re very, very well indeed.  I will leave you with a more recent pic of me.  EVen though I’ve lost another 10 lbs since this photo, my face is now really round and chipmunky (moonface) due to all the steroids I’m on.  Bah humbug!!  Hopefully as I taper off the meds, my face will return to normal size – hA!

I’m thinking of opening another blog   It’s gonna be shared with a friend of mine… and it’s gonna be a ton of fun!  However, I think I’m just gonna shut down shop here – so, leave a comment if you want me to tell you where my new blog will be

BUT I MUST take this time to say THANK YOUTHANK YOUTHANK YOUTHANK YOUTHANK YOUTHANK YOUTHANK YOUTHANK YOU!!!!!  Thank you, for everyone out there who has supported me over the years.   Your time and attention and sweet words of encouragement and understanding has never gone unnoticed or unappreciated.  I was thankful for all of it.  So, thank you again for supporting me in countless ways

- Coley