For your great replies and positive thoughts!  I hope to get some results soon.  Right now I’m on a steroid, and its helping some of the symptoms, but not completely and now I can’t sleep!  Bah!  But it’s okay, I’ll just wait patiently, glad I’m getting some relief…

Just wanted to update. Other than this whole thing, I’ve continued to drop weight at a nice, healthy rate.  I’m no 244 lbs.  Incredible!  Even when I say it, I feel like “Oops, I men 254″ and even then, it seems weird to think! I’m extremely excited to reach my first big goal of 235. The weight I was when I first met my husband.  He saw me there for about 2 weeks and then never again!  But right now, I’m below my “got married” weight, which is cool.  I wonder if it will “hit me” when I reach 235 beacuse I’ve been trying to get back there for our entire 10 year marriage!

Clothes are all falling off.  And even though it’s a good thing, it’s VERY frustrating!  I kind of just figured I’d slowly move out of all of them and slowly replace them, but now its getting to the point where nearly all of my before clothing just looks ridiculous – and even though I’ve replaced some as I’ve lost, now those are also loose and dont look flattering at all.  I look sloppy!  I don’t like to look sloppy!  Hubman asked me last night, “How about just wearing goodwill clothes until you’re done losing weight.”  THat’s NOT gonna happen.  Sorry Goodwill-ers out there.  I like Goodwill to find nifty household things that I can paint and make new and fun, but I’m not going there for clothes.  No siree, Bob.  But I am going to start to shop consignment.  I’ve been keping my new clothes to sale stuff, but even then, it racks up the price!  Not to mention – what are the odds that I’d find 16 TALLS in Consignment.  Hha, I guess you never know, but Ive only ever found nice kid stuff there.

I have so many amazing clothes in larger sizes that I’m bummed to let go of.  I really really wish i could just get them tailored.  I brought in a HUGE basket of childrens clothes recently – REALLY nice stuff, most of it from the UK that family and friends have sent us.  But when I brought it to the consignment shop, she never had heard of the brands and so she gave me TWELVE DOLLARS for the entire basket! OH. EM. GEE.  Insane since my kids are dressed so well!  So, I don’t think I want to consign my jeans that I often paid nearly 100 bucks for!  I’d like to give it away to a friend who would put them to good use, but I have skinny tall friends, and then my plus sized friends aren’t tall.  Maybe I’ll open an ebay store… mmhhh EFFORT bah!

Its very cold these days in Colorado.  I haven’t been going on as many walks as before, which blows.  I put an ad on craigslist strictly platonic – women for women – message boar thingy – and of course the only reply I’ve gotten is some married dude trying to have an affair with me and ask for naked pictures.  UGHHH I posted in the WOMEN FOR WOMEN STRICTLY PLATONIC LOOKING FOR A WORKOUT BUDDY AT THE GYM!!!!  Dumb.

Anywho, things are good around here.  I am feeling alright.  Keeping busy with the kids and the house.  Decluttering (or trying to).  Hubman and I are going through some changes – but that’s expected with all that’s new, and not just with my health, but with his and his work, etc.  Dynamics really throw a family for a loop!

Sorry I seem all down.  I’m really not   But I’d better jet to get my wee one to swimming class! OH, on a nifty note – we now have “salad night” every week.  We’ve often had side salads, but now we have a whole salad night – which last night proved to finally be making dent in my children.  We were putting all the toppings in little bowls to serve yourself all over the table – and they were often trying to avoid the veggies – but last night, the wee one helped herself to brocolli, carrots an her british Daddy’s pickled onions and beetroot.  And the big one, ate her brocolli and added a hefty spoon of black beans!  Huzzah!!

It’s not like me to ask this, but if you pray, could you send a moment or two my way?  I have been dealing with health issues for a few months now, but they are getting worse and I haven’t had any relief.  I’ve been in and out of the docs, and they really have been wonderful with trying to get things figured out.  I will be going to a Cancer center next week to start some more there to figure out what’s up with me.  Doesn’t mean it’s cancer, but so far, my docs are stumped.  Add in to that some wonky blood test results and two painful biopsies later, I’m starting to feel like I’m going a bit crazy.  And so here I am, laying it out there – if you pray, please pray for me.  I’d greatly appreciate it.  I might have a long, hard path in front of me, and if so, then that’s okay.  But if you could send a few thoughts my way, it won’t go unnoticed. I’m in daily discomfort, not a moment passes where I’m without pain and discomfort.  So, I’d love a bit more comfort and strength and patience in this time of need.

Thank you so much

Taken of me yesterday, to sorta document losing 50 lbs   Weird thing is, I feel like I don’t look any different, but others around me say I do.  Add in that I feel good, and that’s all that matters

I can hardly believe it.  This morning, I stepped on the scale to see 248.8.

That’s still a big number, I know, but for me – it’s just.. something I had been aiming for for years and years and years!  It feels great.

Every single day, having to stop eating within bites and grumbling as I push away my plate and then have to wait another half hour before I can take even a sip of water… grumble, grumble, it’s worth it.  My tool is helping me stop when I couldn’t find the love within myself to do it alone.  I am 3.8 lbs away from the weight I was when I got married.  And I am only 13.8 lbs away from the ELUSIVE 235 – the weight I was when I first met my husband.  The smallest he’s ever seen me, and he only saw me that way for a week or two.  It will be neat to be again, the woman he met.  And then everything below that will be new for him as well.

240′s.  Hello

Even though it’s not a weigh-in day, I weighed this morning, at 254.4.  Pretty darn cool.  That makes it official, I’ve lost over 50 pounds… 52 to be exact   Since starting this most recent weight loss journey.  My weight has been higher, but this is for “this time”.  I’m happy about it, but it’s also surreal!  Much of the time, I still see the over 300-lb-me in the mirror.  The place I notice a difference is in my face.  But surely, it’s my body too because i can’t lost 50 lbs in my face.  Haha, not to mention, the “skinny” Maurices jeans Ive been holding on to for years that did NOT fit 5 lbs ago… buttoned up today and I wore them to drop the kids off to school.  Big smile   It’s amazing, a year or two ago – i took a “before” picture in those jeans, and they hardly rose above my kneecaps.  Seriously.

I’m really excited about being in the 250s, and I’d be comfortable to stay here a few more weeks before venturing into the 240s.  I realized today that I’m sort of doing a low-carb diet.  I’m still having veggies and fruit, but I always eat my protein first, and then when I’m sure I’ve had enough of that, only then do I move onto the other things.  And because I know my space is limited, I want to nourish my body and have energy and feel good – so I move onto the veggies and the good-for-me stuff before the hardcore carbs like potatoes and rice – which were the ones I’d gobble in abundance before.  This tool is really working out well for me.  It hasn’t been an easy road, as it’s been sort of like… rehab, a detox even.  Of the brain, habits, emotion and addicted.  Just being flung into it full force.  But it was obviously needed.  And it’s working out.

I still am having to step it up with my vitamins, though.  I feel like they get stuck in my throat.  Ive never had problems with pills before – but these days I tend to.  Just gotta do it anyway and stop avoiding it…

Anyway, I just had to say – I made it.  50 lbs

Quickie post.  I’ve always loved fashion blogs, but only recently have I stumbled into the world of plus-sized fashion blogs.  These girls are so friggin brave, fierce, gorgeous fabulous fashionistas who have no apology or shame about their size – only celebration for their lush curves and statuesque physiques.  I only wish I discovered them earlier because they certainly have given me a boost of confidence.  I can be fierce and dress how I want – at THIS size (so long as I can FIND the clothes that is haha) I don’t have to “wait” – and these girls also have wonderful ways of adapting fashion to suit not only their bodies, but their own individual senses of style.  Inspiring!  I put a few links below, I have more but they are on my laptop, so I’ll add them once I get them all in one place.  But check them out the girls below AND there are more in the sidebar.   Rejoice and enjoy and appreciate their fabulosity, and YOUR own, too!    In faaaact… maybe I’ll start my own lil’ somethin’-somethin’ here!!  Hmm…

Le blog de Big Beauty

Big Beautyful Mess

A Curious Fancy

Saks in the City

Uh oh, thanks to a DVR’d episode of Oprah, I discovered Martha Stewart today.  Of course I’ve known who she is for years now… but I haven’t paid much attention to her and maybe also because I didn’t pay attention at the right time in my life.  The right time is obviously now because I was glued to the episode… well, parts of it where she showed all her cool crafty, kitcheny stuff and her amazing house.  Suddenly I found myself looking around envisioning the pristine order I wanted for my own home, and the beauty I wanted to reflect in it, too.  It does seem like something only meant for people with money – or less… brightly colored, plastic possessions (aka, kids toys). But still, for a second I thought about changing my mind about having more children – because then I could have a beautiful house and the time to do crafty things like Martha!

Also, something very exciting happened today.  I got an email from the library telling me my requested books were in!  I was over the moon since I only requested them two days ago.  It had me bounding out of bed this morning, getting both the girls to their different schools so I could have time to go to the library and pick up these two books – I was just about to squeal with delight when I looked for my name on the hold-shelf:

Yippie!  I was so excited.  I had already had this book of his checked out:  

<——  I didn’t know much about him, either.  But enjoyed that cookbook so much, the way it was written, his tone, the photos, the simplicity – he makes it all very doable, and rustic – but also extremely sophisticated and respectable.  I don’t know if thats the way to describe the cookbooks, but I immediately now want to own these three books.  Having them checked out in the library will no longer do!!  I love flipping through them even when I’m not cooking.  I feel like I’m learning loads just from one day of having the middle book, “Cook”.  Hubman has teased him over the years for whatever reason, I don’t know.  He’s a critic, that one.  But I never paid much attention, but I certainly am now!

So, with my new cookbook obsession, and having discovered Martha Stewart and wanting to inhale all her magazines and rub her craft products into my skin like lotion – looks like I have an expensive new flow of interests on their way into my life.  I’m gonna have to be very, very careful – as money tends to burn holes in my pockets as it is. Gotta be careful!

—-  On a strange note, I noticed something about myself today.  I am wanting to cook constantly, but I have very little interest in eating it.  Honestly, I slaved all day on these frog cupcakes for my baby’s 4th birthday ———> 

Everything completely made from scratch and rave reviews from all who ate them, and yet I had one bite and that was enough.  I can’t get ENOUGH joy from food these days, largely in part because I was a binger before.  So, the vast joy I need to get has to come from large amounts of people eating my food.  Which is probably I’m more inclined than ever to throw dinner parties and have people over to feed them all!  Haha.

So, I was thinking about how at the start of each day I’m planning on what wonderous thing I’m going to make for dinner.  However, Ive noticed that my daytime eating is VERY plain and honestly… it’s nearly the same exact thing every day!  Shameful!  Or is it?  Every morning I start out with a protein shake, like a Slim Fast or a Mix 1, fo the protein.  And for lunch, at least 3-4 times per week… I have a Deli Creations:

I didn’t think it was such a bad thing until TODAY when I was HORRIFIED at how much SODIUM is in these babies!  I’m gonna have to cut my usage down to “when in a rush” basis.  But what was good about them, was the portions were right.  I usually only left just a little bit left, and I can’t handle bread, so making a sandwich was just dumb and a waste, and then there was salads which are delish, but leave me with lots of trapped air…

So, I’ve been having these super predictable days and then these exciting, new dinners… I think what I need to really do is figure out better lunch options for me.  I’m gonna keep doing the protein things in the morning – it’s a dependable way for me to feel great.   Don’t even get me started on my love affair with these bee-atches:  

I’ve had a few goals for myself.  I thought I posted them up on a page here, but I guess not.  Anywho, one of my mini-goals was to “get into Maurice’s Jeans”.  I bought these really cute jeans, like… 5 years ago, maybe even like 6 years ago!  And over the years when I’ve gotten rid of clothing, I kept a few things “to fit into” and these are one of them.  I’m even pleased to say, they still would get away with being ‘in style’ woohoo!  Anyway, I haven’t fit them in SO long.  I even took photos of myself a couple years ago – pulling them up, and they stopped mid-thigh!  Seriously!  So, today, on a whim, I decided to try them on.   I was really pleased to find… i could pull them UP!  I had to really shimmy and yank – HAHAH – but they pulled UP!  That’s truly amazin.  They’re not even CLOSE to buttoning, though, but still – it was pretty cool.  Since even though I’ve dropped over 40 lbs, and I kind of see it in the mirror, I don’t REALLY see it… so such things prove that I am have results.

Once they button up, I will post a photo of “the Maurices Jeans”.  They’re so special, in fact, when I bought them, one of my best friends had a pair that she lost weight to fit into, too, and she’s still holding onto them, too, haha!  I think I will fit into them in about 15 lbs.  That’s very exciting!

So, I learn more and more everyday about my new way of eating, new way of life.  Here are a few major points that I’ve learned and things that have changed:

* Protein first.  That is a rule weight weight loss surgery.  However, when I do go protein first, it’s shocking how quickly I get full.  Within a 1/4 cup of protein, I feel up to the limit.

* Non complex foods.  I’ve learned I do best with non complex foods.  Things that get mushy are best.  I can eat a cup of chili slowly, but I can’t have more than ONE bite of a sandwich.  Something to do perhaps with the air in the bite, the bread.

* I’ve pretty much lost interest in bread.  I used to be a total bread addict!  Now, not so much.  Even though it sounds nice to a point, the idea of how uncomfortable I will be turns me off to the point it’s not a struggle to say no.  This is good, especially with how much I used to inhale carbs.  But I do miss a nicely buttered piece of bread

* I love juice too much.  Because it goes down easily, I have a new love affair for juice (have been buying light versions) but also have a new craving for Jamba Juice, half lemonade/half tea, iced tea, mango tea… I am careful not to go the milkshake route, but I have to be careful since I now drink coffee with full-calorie/fat creamer daily, which was something rare before.

* I am happy to say that I make healthier choices.  I WANT to be healthy.  I WANT to continue to feel great.  So I’m happy to say, I rarely have straight-up junk food.  I want the little space that i can fit food into, I want it to WORK for me.  I get hungry quickly, and a couple of times I’ve had sugar dips and they feel rotten – so I’ve enjoyed being able to turn down my trigger foods and addictions easier these days, to make healthier choices.  Food no longer has that emotional power that it used to.  It’s not cured, but it’s loads better

I’m FINALLY at the point where I’m happy I got the surgery.  I’m sure that I’m happy about it.  That took a while to say.  I really do believe I needed this.  However, I read on obesityhelp.com that people are always preaching and wanting to share their story with other overweight people, to save them, to give them options, to educate.   But I’m not quite there yet.  I have a friend who is getting the lapband soon. I do not agree.  But then again, I have to say that she’s getting “Band over bypass” – getting a lapband put OVER her gastric bypass.  Interesting, huh?  I’m still in the mindset of, I really wish I could have done this by myself.  I wish I could have just DONE IT myself without changing things so drastically.  Yes, much of the time i feel so much healthier, but it’s been a fight and it will continue to be.

Mealtimes aren’t the happiest times for me.  I get full fast, and if the food is complex, (my word for it, not sure how else to describe it) I get uncomfortable and sweat and burp nonstop for an hour.  Not pretty.  Not glam.

There are down parts.  But now that I’m on the other side, I’m happy.  I’m pleased with what I’m doing with this.

I AM however having some other health issues – bah humbug!  I will tell you about them soon, but they’re very strange indeed.  I need to get my hormone levels checked and I plan to do that in the next couple of weeks, when we get some insurance stuff ironed out.  I’ll letcha know

I think I’m ….

losing weight!

Yes, I think it’s actually happening and I can’t just pretend the scale has gone haywire for the moment.

Since I started losing weight with my pre-op diet, I have as of this morning, hit 41 lbs down!  Hurray!!!  I weighed in this morning at 265 (point something, but I didn’t care – too busy staring at the 5), and that means since surgery I’ve lost, 32 lbs!

I’m feeling quite pleased that I finally am continuing to see the scale move, and that also now that I’m over 30 ish pounds, it’s starting to feel more real.  Another mini-goal I reached, was reaching (and now surpassing) my goal of getting to the weight I lost on Slimgenics!  I got down to 268 while on Slimgenics.  I stayed there for a few days and went straight back up.  So, I’m really pleased to see the numbers moving.

My body has been changing.  Although it’s sort of hard to tell when I’m just looking in the mirror, it’s showing a lot in my clothes, which is great.  I’m also feeling full of energy as well, which is the best part.

However, I think I mentioned in my last post, my hormones are still going nutso!  Last night I went chocolate crazy and just couldn’t stay out of the kitchen.  I would have worried about this behavior, but I’ve actually been at the hospital on and off for three days, all day, photographing/documenting a birth, that I didn’t eat dinner last night and was quite ravenous.

Anyway, what I’m focusing on now is toning and of course, cardio.  But I really feel like I need to pay attention to my Core, so I’m going to attend a Core class tonight – it’s been a year since I’ve been to one.  They are tough, but they move quickly and I know just after a month I’ll be able to feel a difference in my core strength and balance, so I know that will be good for me.  I”m going to do some walking on the treadmill and maybe the elliptical before and after the class.  To be honest, I probably can push my exercise more than I do, I think I might still be being a bit too delicate with  myself when it comes to activity… we’ll see how tonight goes and maybe I should come up with a written plan on how to exercise the next month or so.

My blog is boring.  But one of the reasons I keep coming back is because I’m reading so many other splendid blogs here on wordpress!  Seriously, you guys are awesome-time!  And then since Im on wordpress, I’m like – oh, might as well update.  I’m a clever girl, with a pretty nifty life and interesting point of view – how can I make my blog cool-worthy?  More photos, fo sho… more updates that get readers involved in the discussion perhaps?  I’ll have to think on it…

Anywho – for now, a basic update will do.  I’m sitting down for a rushed-ish lunch of “Oscar Meyer Deli Creations”, you know those fancy looking lunchables – grown up versions, I suppose.  This one is Rotisserie Chicken with garden vegetable spread.  You put the spread on the crackers with the nifty little included “knife” and then you lay a bit of chicken on top.  At 270 calories and 13 grams of protein, it’s quite good for me!  And just the right size, too   Although it does kind of worry me – this is a serving for normal people and I can eat almost the whole thing – or the whole thing if I just spread it out over a bit more time.  Maybe I’m not supposed to eat this much?  Although it doesn’t seem like much… hmmm…

Anyway, my weight is slowly going down.  It’s up and down every day and it was getting me down, until someone on obesityhelp.com said “If you weigh yourself once a month, that won’t happen” – and they’re so right!  If I weigh myself once a month, I probably won’t have any gains or stalls at all!  Then it won’t influence how I feel about the whole surgery weight thing and I can just get on with it.  Good stuff.  Not sure I can do that, though, but I think I will do once a week weigh-ins, just like I record them here – and try not to step on there each day.  Bah!

I’ve been keeping busy around here, trying to keep house and get lots of donating and getting-rid-of things.  Making the most of our home and space instead of wishing for more space, more things – that’s a poopy way to live!  I am still on my cooking “kick” which I hope isn’t a kick.  I’ve asked for cookbooks for my birthday (Yesterday, was my bday ya’ll – happy bday to me!) and I went to the library today and picked up even more.  They’re so fun to read!  Ahh the library, how much I love thee.

Heck, maybe I’ll spice up my blog by sharing photos and recipes I’ve found and love!  Never thought I’d be one of those food bloggers – but hey, who knows – it’s all open to me.

Lately I have loved a quote a personal trainer at my gym told me last year.  As he gave me my free session, he said “You can take this as far as you want.”  And for some reason, the way he worded that, really stuck with me.  It pertains to so much in life.  I have told myself year after year, over and over again my whole life “I can’t do that, I’m not good at that, I’m not that kind of person, I’m not a natural at that” and it has held me back in SO many ways!  I’m not sure how I got like that, but it totally sucks.  But now that I internalized the thought “You can take this as far as you want” – I’ve realized that I can learn and even get GOOD at whatever I choose to, whatever I decide to – even if I’m not “a natural” (and heck, maybe I am but I have to try to find out) – I can learn just about anything!

Sometimes I get down on my photography.  I go to amazing sites that I adore and just MELT at their incredible work and then I feel like I should just toss my camera straight into the trash, and give up – do not pass go.  I used to get very anxious about cooking, freaked out that I was going to do something wrong, and nowadays, who cares if I do something wrong – Im learning all the time and most of the time – it comes out so well and I’m so proud of myself!  For years I’d try to get my friend to teach me to crochet.  She’d do it so effortlessly and quickly I just couldnt get it – and I thought, gosh, this is SO easy, KIDS can do it – but I. CAN. NOT.

Then I remembered that saying and I looked up a youtube video about crocheting – sure, I paused it an embarassing number of times and rewound countless times… but guess what – at the end, I had myself a little square.  It was lopsided and had funny bumps and holes, but I DID it – and I know the next time I do it, it will be even better.  It’s not that I can’t, I just have to give it a go – like I tell my own children.  I can take this as far as I want.

So anyway, this also goes with my weight loss.  It’s coming off painfully slow (in my opinion) but the truth is, I can take this as far as I want, too.  The VSG was a TOOL, not a fix, and if I want it enough I’m gonna have to get my bootie back in the gym, STOP drinking so much juice (a habit i got into when I was on all liquids and desperate for calories and I found water to make me nauseus, common within the first few weeks after surgery)…

So, I’m ready for a revamp of COLEY.  A revamp of ME.  I don’t have to be a NEW YORK Magazine Editor (my teenage dream) in order to reach awesome heights – I can do it right now as I am… I can MAKE it happen!